Part II - A Fist Full of Memories

Varun came to spend his vacation at home. It was spring. I did all that I could to make it the best vacation ever for him. Arvind was simply thrilled to have his son at home, and be able to spend his evenings chatting with him. Finally, they seemed to connect - on a vague level.

Those two weeks were the best ever for us a family - well, three strangers in ways unknown, tied in a bond. A bond created by us, and by fate.

The day of his departure arrived. Varun walked upto me as stood at the doorway. Paused, and looked into my eyes. He had said all he had to say. He simply walked away.

I did not hear from him for a few months. He called, and spoke to Arvind, and before I could talk to him, the phone would be disconnected.

Why Varun? Why me? I didn't know how to handle his reaction. Was it anger? Was it running away from me? Was it that he was afraid that he would go weak before me? Was he afraid of...it killed me. I needed him to tell me. I needed to know.

Nothing happened. Time did not wait for any of us...

One year after he was in the city, I got a call from Varun one afternoon. I was about to sip my hot cuppa coffee sitting on the steps, when I heard the ring. A shiver went up my spine...I could feel it...just the ring...I could almost feel his restlessness through the ringing of the phone - that had to be varun :-)

"Chinni Ma, I think I have found her!. I think I have found who I think is perfect for me...I have said YES to her yesterday. She seems to be a good girl chinni Ma. Is from the same profession as me, and I think we have a lot in common. I can't wait for you to meet her!"

I was silent. "Chinni Ma, you there....Chinni...you think I did the right thing?" I cleared my throat and said "Ofcourse, I'm sure you have considered everything, and I'm sure you will be happy with her. I can't wait to meet her". I tried to echo his excitement.

It was May 28th.

After some back and forth with the girls' parents, the wedding date was set to a date in November.

The wedding was done, and Varun with his bride Bindu were sent off to the city to build their nest.

Varun's calls became less frequent. It was understandable. Yes, he never forgot to call on all the special days.

It was my birthday that day, and Varun's call came as expected. "Happy Returns Chinni Ma.." I was sooo happy just to hear his voice. My voice trembled - "Varun, prince, where have you been? Are you okay?" Varun was silent. Just his silence said a million things to me - "Varun, what happened baby?" Silence. "Chinni Ma, things between me and Bindu are not very fine. I don't know what to do. I tried my best to do everything for her, but it seems like we are so different". I could feel the tears in his voice. My baby - he didn't have to say how much it was hurting him - it wrenched my heart to know that my Prince was unhappy. I wish I could turn the world upside down to fix it for him.

Well, things limped along, things were fine, he and Bindu continued to live their life together. But, my heart raced everytime Varun called, and leaped with joy just to know he was doing okay...

I lived my life through his in some vague, inexplainable way...our lives were tied together...

That winter, life chalked out paths for Arvind and me. Arvind set onto his last journey - the final destination that awaits all of us. He went to bed that night, and never woke up. He still had a peaceful smile on his lips when I tried waking him up the next morning. Arvind - just the way he was - never interfered with anyone, never said a bad thing to anyone, in his own world, till the end.

I mourned for sometime - mourned for our non-existent marriage, or for another human I would never see again, I don't know.

Varun came, did all that he had to do as a son, and left. I kept waiting for his calls as usual. Life seemed to be compressed between one call to the other...

One morning, he called and said "Chinni Ma, why don't you come and spend the summer with us?" I was silent.I didn't know what to say. "Chinni Ma, don't think so much about it - just come. Me and Bindu need some company....we get so bored over the weekends...everyone's family is so big and busy..." A million other excuses why I should go there. What he didn't say was - he needed me by his side. His pauses, his silence, his choice of words - everything else spoke for him.He didn't have to say it - I could read his heart and his mind. Sure baby, I'll be there.

I reached his place, and settled in in less than a day.

Bindu was a working woman, and found little time to spend much time on the house. Not her fault. I happily took over the role.

It was 6PM, and I quickly fixed a snack and made some tea that I poured into the thermos. Varun would be home anytime. He liked to have his tea and eat a bite as soon as he entered the house. And, it was my pleasure to do these little things - I did it for my baby, for my Prince.

That was when I saw the mangoes lying on the counter. Varun loved mangoes. I quickly cut a couple and kept them in the fridge - ready for Varun.

Bindu entered the house first, and Varun followed with a frown on his forehead.

We sat sipping our tea at the dining table. Bindu didn't say much. well honestly, I never had the feeling she liked me much. I didn't harbour any great affection for her either. Things were that way since the day we met. It happens sometimes betwen any two individuals. I had tried initially to build a bridge, and then got tired of it, and had silently given up. I did not have to carry this load - it was Varun's, and by his choice. That was the best I could do, and had left it at that.

Movies, city life...we kept talking on everything. Bindu was her silent self as usual. As we spoke, I felt Varun's foot on mine and stopped in the middle of my sentence. Varun liked to do that at the table, and it was something that always tugged at my heart.

Bindu stood up, pushed her cup away and stormed into the bedroom with Varun in persuit. The next thing I heard was her screaming away - "To hell with you Varun. That woman seems to be everything to you. Who am I? and what am I to you? Tell me Varun?"

I didn't hear Varun, and Bindu continued to rage. Shouting and screaming at the top of her lungs...abuses, allegations...it continued...

I debated should I go or stay out...but, I could not bear to see Varun being treated that way...nobody did that to my baby. Not as long as I was around...

I entered the room - very hesitantly. She turned to me - "You know you have entered our lives and taken him away from me. It's all because of you. I had a great marriage, and now all that Varun does is talk about you, think about you, and care for you. All the misery is because of you".

She kept sobbing and banging her head...it threw me oof the curve...

I was confused. Me? Why me? It seemed senseless. Did she even know what she was talking about? How could I snatch Varun away when he belonged to me in the first place? He was my baby - I was his mother. Step Mother. But, so what? I had done everything for him and had loved him just the way a real, biological mother would do for her baby.

And, I had given him to her. I was the one who consented to his marriage to her.So, the whole thing about the snatching part shocked me...did anyone have to snatch their babies from some one else?

Had mankind ever heard of such a thing? What was this mad woman even talking about...I felt my anger rise. I wanted to tell her a lot of things at that moment. Tell her everything she could not have even imagined...forget the snatching part. It would be nothing then in comparison...how dare she treat my baby this way, and talk like this...

I looked out of the window then. It was raining very very hard. I could feel the pulse throb at my temples. For a moment nothing moved in the room. I swallowed hard, asked Varun to get me a glass of water, and cleared my throat.

I was surpised at what came out of my mouth from that moment on for the next 4 hours. I told her everything that would make her feel better. Told her that she was the most important thing in his life...told her she was the perfect fit for him...told her I thought she was simply great, and told her a million things I didn't even mean.

Did I lie? I don't know. I did what I could as my baby's mother, to save his life - his broken relationship with her. My only instinct at that time was that of saving my baby. I had to. If I didn't do it, who would?

Could I ever harm him? No. Never.

Bindu kept screaming..."you do everything for him...you cook his favorite foods, he comes and talks to you about his problems...I'am his wife...I should be the one he should talk to.." and what not..

I thought to myself - well lady, where were you when he was breaking down? where was your love and so called selfless spirit when you broke him bit by bit with your demands, your heartlessness, and your constant nagging?

You cannot demand love girl - it happens between two people. If it doesn't happen the first time, it never will. And, it is not something you buy at the supermarket, or by throwing a tantrum like this one.

Anyway, all that did not matter. He was my baby, and I had a right to love him and protect him. This was beyond any discussion.

Varun sat there - silent and withdrawn. I could see he was shaken. Was he scared? He was in a deep thought - but speechless, while his wife kept throwing the baggage at me. I was blamed for the lack of everything in their relationship. I didn't even understand how - but, she seemed to need a target to bang on. And I was it.

I listened - I had to defend my baby - that was the only thought in my mind. My lips were sealed. My only defence? I did explain and talk and convince...well, I did my best..

My heart screamed - Why don't you speak Varun? why don't you tell her what your Chinni Ma means to you? Can you say something for once please? Tell her, that you will not have your Chinni Ma insulted this way. Can you tell her your priorities?...

He kept his head bent low...not a word...

I had never had anyone stand up for me - ever. So, Varun was no exception. I had thought he would be...but, this was my fate. So, why blame him.

I walked out of the room after what seemed an eternity...onto the terrace..into the darkness...

[To be continued....]

[Part I] - A Fist Full of Memories

"Sorry Chinni Ma" - the card read. Just seeing it and touching the card sent a shiver up my spine.

I found it afterall these years buried in a book that Varun had been reading.

Varun - my son. My step son to be politically correct. My biggest joy from my marriage to Arvind.Varun was Arvind's son from a previous marriage - he was about ten years younger than I was.

Arvind's first wife Charu was diagnosed with Multiple-Sclerosis, and had lost her mind dealing with it. Over time, she drove herself to a point of no return, and enstranged herself from all around her, till she ended her life on a summer morning...the day of her anniversary...it was 25th of May that day.

May 25th - a dark day in Varun's life...

People made their judgements of whether what she did was right or wrong, if she was good or bad, if she cared enough for her family or not. For her, nothing had mattered, she did what her heart had told her was right - she did what she believed was right...

While she was alive, in the process of suffering, Charu had forgotten that she had a baby, and had made Varun crave for maternal love...she did everything she could to drive him away from herself - maybe she thought it was better that way. who knows what she was thinking...

Me, a burden to poor parents, was married off in a rush to Arvind the minute I completed my graduation. Who cared what I had wanted in life? So, before I knew what had hit me, I found myself in a picture frame next to Arvind dressed in fine bridal attire. I looked beautiful, but if someone had paused to see my eyes, they would have seen the pain in my eyes - behind the kohl(kajal) that was used to decorate them.

The first day I landed there, Varun refused to talk to me. He sat next to me at dinner that night, but refused to acknowledge even my presence. As the meal progressed, I noticed that he hated vegetables, and was trying hard to swallow the carrots on his plate and looked like he would throw up - I quietly tugged at his hand under the table, and told him to pass the small pile to me. Quietly the carrots dissappeared into the trash! A secret pact was struck at that instant between me an Varun...

Since then, a million incidents tied us together - I forgot that Varun was not even born to me! We were the best of buddies...we shared little joys, silly secrets, and everything else that could tie two humans in our situation together.

On some nights after our meal, he would say "Chinni Ma, can I put my head on your lap and sleep for a few minutes?" On the terrace, he would bury his head in the pleats of my saree, and lay there looking at the stars - after what would seem like hours, I would feel his tears as they wet my saree. Those would be some days when Varun missed his mother, did not relate to his stranger father, and I really woulnd't know what troubled his little heart. He held on to me like a person drowning in a turbulent river would hold onto a branch of a tree. All I was aware was that this was a person who needed me, was someone who held on to me, and I meant something to him..

I called him my Prince...my baby.


"Chinni Ma, can you make me a cup of coffee please -half a cup only". "Chinni Ma, I want to join the literature club". "Chinni Ma, I've topped in the class again! Are you happy?" "Chinni Ma, I think I like this girl in my music class - what do you think of her?" "Do you think I did a good job Chinni Ma?".....always seeking my approval, my consent, my appreciation...

Right out of college, Varun found his first job in the City and moved out. The phone calls started to pour in - "Chinni Ma, guess what happened today..." I sat there wondering most nights - did my Prince have his dinner, did he like his new office, were people around him being nice to him...I had tranformed into a mom! A mom to my Prince...

[To be Continued....]

Relationships

A quote from Jiddu KrishnaMurthy on what relationships are:

"It is only when we see without any preconception, any image, that we are able to be in direct contact with anything in life. All our relationships are really imaginary – that is, based on an image formed by thought. If I have an image about you and you have an image about me, naturally we don’t see each other at all as we actually are. What we see is the images we have formed about each other which prevent us from being in contact, and that is why our relationships go wrong."

Ten Heads

Further to my previous post on this subject, the pain has really left a scar...we as a family feel it even now...

My little one wants to see this person and keeps asking for him, rather them...and the other weekend, when she said she has to talk to him right now, I had to sit down with her and explain to her that they don't want to talk to us now, because they kind of are not our friends anymore..and that upset her little heart. Mind you, these were friends of the family, and being suddenly in a position where she can't talk to him was very difficult for her to comprehend.

So, she pauses and thinks for a second, and says - "Is he now a bad guy like Ravana(an Indian mythological demon with ten heads who dis-honors Sita in the epic Ramayana) now? " For lack of better answers, I said "Kind of maybe"...

She stops playing with her doll, and with a very serene expression declares -
"Mama, I think God will punish him and he will grow ten heads soon".
I was surprised why she thought he would grow ten heads - and asked her the same. So, her answer was "Mama, that way the other good people will know he is a bad guy by looking at his ten heads, and stay away from him..."

I didn't know what to say...

But like innocence always triumphs...she still wants to see how this person looks now - now that he has turned into a different person we don't know anymore...

That's us - And me?

I'll wait with all my patience in this lifetime to see if this person grows those ten heads! Who knows...

Till then...take care of yourselves and your loved ones...

Of Liars, Cheats and Every day Heroes

We think heroes and villains exist in books and classics right? - No, they are here, amidst us - people who do the greatest sacrifices, the best for the others and still silently suffer all the misery and wounds inflicted by the others - the everyday villians who roam the earth untamed and their monsterous best...

Last week, while in the cafeteria, I met a friend whose little 3 year old was recently diagnosed with leukemia - just the sight of her shook me to the core, wanting to hold her crying for the misery she had to undergo - it felt so unfair...But, she was calm and wanted prayers from everyone - that's all. So calm and composed -I thought to myself that this was a hero - standing rock solid, and unwavering in the storm of bad times...

While people like the above fought valiantly the bigger miseries that life had to offer, an acquaintance recently joked that there should be a competition held countrywide to see who could lie the most...and little did I know that I would be thrown in situation with this person where I could see him lying through his teeth!

I thought I had seen it all - the worst that life had to offer - but I was wrong. I was once again chosen to be witness to the biggest let down, and at the same time be crucified and be called a hero!

I was conveniently made a part of a family melodrama - where I was taken advantage for being a good human and my trust and my belief in everything called a good relationship was torn to shreads with one sweeping gesture. For no fault of mine, I was hung - alive! The whole conversation was full of lies and baseless promises and that too coming from a person who I had thought was a great human and was made to realize was empty inside and had the lowest levels of integrity.

It shocked me, it surprised me, it hurt me, it catapulted me into unknown lands of pain and suffering - all for what? for trusting someone?

And with me, I dragged down my husband who had at all trying times stood rock solid next to me with all his love and with a hand around my shoulder. Never did he question me, or be angry with me - not because he does no love me. But, actually on the contrary because he loves me - that I call as strength of character. The other person whose little world I had rocked for an insensitive human, was my percious daughter - she doesn't know what has rocked the boat. But, she sure came up to me last night and wiped my tears saying " mama, I had so much milk today - I will surely grow strong and punish this bad person who is making you cry so much". This is what I call love - innocent and complete with no expectations whatsoever.

And this was a person who had pestered us to help him with his resume, had stayed in our home till 1AM in the morning to get essays written for him to apply to a business school, borrowed money from us and the list is endless - what a shame!. And, now suddenly they realize that they don't want to share their world with us? who gave them the permission to start when they wanted to and end when they wanted to?

I don't want to be a saint - I want to stand up and tell the world - tell that I was pushed into this, tell that I was used for everything that was meant to be gained, I was taken advantage of, and now when the time to stand by values, and tell the truth had come - this human chose the convenience of a lie...to conveniently continue to lead a life of so called bliss...

And the person has the audacity to stand around and laugh as if nothing happened...one of these days, I will walk up and scream the truth for the world to hear...

The beauty of it continues - when I went to talk to this person after a couple days, to find out what exactly had happened behind the scenes, I saw him again caught in a web of lies, continuing with his false promises while on the phone. He did not have the courtesy nor the courage to sit with me, look me in the eye and take the time to explain his wrong doing, and apologise for what he did to save a situation...he simply cried...for who? for the situation, for himself or for me? I don't know...

what kind of people are these? where do they come from? and where will they go? what are they made up of?

I pity them, I really do - I pity their weaknesses, their greed, their lose characters and their fake relationships - I will continue to forgive them - I will not bear any hatred nor wish them anything wrong. why? because I cannot be them and I do not want to be them - I want to be able to teach my child the good values of life - first hand not just in theory.

But, I hope sincerely that the greater force that rules this world, and we refer to as God is watching this injustice, this deceit and the lies and will surely do justice - will surely make them pay for the tears of blood shed by so many people hurt by them, make them realize that it is not enough to think they are smart to cheat people, and that they need to be human first...

I want the heroes to be cared for and the villains to be dealth with...for all the right reasons...

I have the faith that goodness will prevail - in all times and at all costs! For nothing else, but simply so that good people don't dissappear from the face of the earth, for the fear of being hurt...

The day will come...