Coup de grâce

I sat on the porch, sipping my coffee and watching my two grandchildren play in the front yard. A perfect summer afternoon. The setting sun was so very synonymous to my own life too. I smiled to myself.

Ravi and Ria were my son's children, and my only excuse to my prolonged existence. Life seemed to bestow upon me, years after years. Though they were 12 and 9 years of age respectively, they fought as if they were pre-schoolers.

"Grandpa...grandpa...Ravi killed the limping grasshopper. Can you believe it grandpa? How cruel can one be.I had only this morning decided to call the grasshopper Rosie, and had planned on how I could be her doctor and make her all well again. Ravi is terrible grandpa..." This was followed by loud sobs and a bigger tantrum.

I put my coffee cup to the side, cleaned my glasses, and put them back on. I got up, and went in to join everyone for dinner. Somehow, tonight I did not have the heart to finish what was on my plate. Without a second helping, and a cursory 'excuse me', I washed my hands and came back out onto the porch and sat on the swing. This had now become my favorite spot in the house.

The moon had risen high, and there was a gentle breeze. It was a typical summer night. I was lost in my thoughts - the past and the present seemed to be getting mixed up, and there was a blurr..

Soft gentle steps woke me from my cat nap, and I saw that Ria had come and sat down next to me with her feet propped in my lap. This was her way of feeling secure. The incident from the evening had visibly disturbed her. I cleared my throat, and said "Ria, aren't you sleepy sweetheart?" She shook her head.

"Grandpa, won't God punish Ravi for killing the grasshopper? Isn't it wrong grandpa? It was such a helpless creature, couldn't even walk. why did he have to do it?"

It seemed to touch me deep down somewhere. I could not stop myself anymore and I said "Ria, maybe he actually helped the little creature by doing so. It would have suffered with that broken leg, and would have died anyway without food and water. Have you thought of that?". She almost jumped in anger "grandpa, there you are - you are taking sides. You think Ravi is always right".

"No Ria, I'am not sweetheart. I'm sharing a lesson from my life with you baby". The pain and the tremble in my voice was palpable. She just sat there looking at me, and waiting for me to continue...

I was a neuro-surgeon with a great practice in the big city. Life was good, with a home, a wife, and two beautiful children. God seemed to have nothing else to do except wait for me to wish something, and he grant it immediately :-) Well, that's what it felt like when everything I did translated to riches - they said I had the Midas touch!

When I reached the hospital on that winter morning in January, I was shocked to see Saroja and Dilip. Saroja was on the stretcher and Dilip was on her side. Grim and impersonal as usual. It took me all the strength I had to not scream and cry out louad. My Saroja. I was shivering. Lying there unconscious - seeing her after all these years, and in this state?

I learnt that Dilip and Saroja were involved in an accident that morning on the way to their village and were brought to my hospital. The next few days passed quickly with quiet a few surgeries for Saroja, and one for Dilip. The discouraging part was that Saroja was not responding to anything - neither surgery or medicine. I was doing everything all my degrees had ever taught me, I spoke with all the good doctors I knew, and struggled with every bit of information I could collect which would in some way help her. I wasn't getting lucky. My tears and prayers were in vain too - God seemed to be busy now...

For that matter, I was never lucky - never where Saroja was involved. She was my classmate in school, and my neighbour too. Predictably, we had been in love for a few years even when I was completing my medicine, and she her degree course in literature. Her father who was a doctor too, helped me in all my studies and was greatly responsible for me to pass my exams with flying colors. But, upon bringing up the subject of marriage, our families made it very clear that nothing of that sort would be done - not even in their imagination.

In a few months, Saroja got married to Dilip and moved away to his village. Life seemed empty, useless and not worth living. But, I had to live on - and soon settled down with my responsibilities. But, not a single day passed without thinking of her. My wife knew about her, and forbade all contact with her. I tried telling her that I should keep at least a cordial relationship with them for the sake of gratitude and decency. But, it fell on deaf ears. The more she disliked Saroja, the more I dis-liked her - she did not realize this fact till she lived. Days kept rolling - I heard from one of the neighbours that Saroja was not well cared for by Dilip. I also heard that she was treated very badly by her in-laws too. After a few years learnt that she had two children of her own...and now this.

I sat by her bedside and kept looking at her beautiful face. Soft and gentle. Her lips had a smile hidden behind them even in this unconscious state. As I sat there, I felt that I was responsible for not taking a firmer stand in getting married to her - felt responsible for not being firmer with my wife, and had been in touch with her. Time had flown, and life had silently passed by - and who were the losers? Nobody but Saroja and me. I wish I had realized all this before today - before she was in this state where nothing mattered...I wish I had shared more laughter with her...

The panel of senior doctors gave their final verdict this morning - nothing could save her. It was all over. She could continue to live on a life system, but her brain was not alive anymore - just her body was. She did not have control on anything, and no feelings...nothing mattered anymore...

A week passed, and I clearly saw that Dilip was growing impatient with the circumstances. He seemed to question me every time our eyes met. He wanted to know what would happen now. What would he have to do with his wife now?

My heart seemed to burst with the pain and anxiety I felt just seeing her in that state - forget about thinking into the future. But, as a doctor I knew that I had to give her back to her family - to Dilip.

I could not sleep for the next couple of days. I had to decide. Make a decision for her - for me. For once, I had to stand up for her - at least now.

The Sun shone brighly as it rained. It was about 3PM in the afternoon. The sunshine and the rain-it was a weird sight. Nature seemed as confused as me. I quietly walked into the room where Saroja lay. I gently touched her cheek. I then touched her feet - just like the way I used to play with her toes when we were together, and she used to giggle. I pushed her hair away from her face and kissed her forehead. I whispered into her ear that I loved her and will always love her - and that I would be with her for all lives to come and if there was such a thing as re-birth. I then took a deep breath, and held her hand in mine. With my other hand, and with a determined move, switched off the life system she was on. Everything beeped for a second, and I thought she would just wake up and giggle - but nothing happened. Everything went silent - all I could hear was the ceiling fan. That's all it took. That was the end. In a few seconds, her hands went limp in mine.

My Saroja - I had let her rest in peace.

The years that followed were a nightmare. Guilt ruled my life. Then there was this side of me, which argued that if I had let her go back to Dilip and his family, her state would have been even worse. Maybe / maybe not. I don't know. Maybe her children would have cared for her? I don't know. Why didn't I think of keeping her with me? How could I? I don't know maybe I should have stood up for once and taken a stand. Well, I had taken a stand for her. Then I would think - taken a stand by doing what I did?

I do not know what is right or wrong anymore - but all I know is that I did what I did as someone who loved her, and maybe what a doctor would have done/ should have done.

I did not realize that tears were streaming down my cheeks and Ria had put my head on her little lap. She seemed to understand what I was going through. She rubbed my back and sat there silently. After what seemed hours, she simply said "Don't worry grandpa, you were not wrong".

My little Ria - she had suddenly become my mother, my daughter and my best friend. I had to journey through life with all the pain curdled up inside me to this day and now - open up my heart to my little Ria.

But she understood - as no one would probably ever have. The swing kept rocking gently, and the moon was hidden behind the clouds. The breeze was cooler now...

I don't know for how long I slept that night on my little Ria's lap...but today, I have the courage to look at my own eyes, and I have the courage to smile...I have the courage to live. I have the will to live - I have to live - for my little Ria!

The First Rain

Rain, rain, go away,
Come again another day.
Rain, rain, go away.
Come again some other day.
Little Me wants to play,
In the meadow by the hay.
Rain, rain, go to Spain...

Pitter..Patter..Pitter..Patter..the children's voices ring..and fade away...

The mud puddles everywhere, the school children walking back from the school, squeaking with delight every time one of them takes a jump in the water or a car passes by splashing water over them...

The first raindrops falling onto the parched land, the cool breeze and the smell of the earth! were just enough to bring out the element in me. No wonder I was a girl with the water sign. The sea, the waves, the rain everything transformed me into someone else in those few moments of laying my eyes on them.

I so vividly remember that we were in college, and the rains meant something else to me and my husband - well, not my husband at that time of course! We would sit for hours in the canteen, sipping the most horrendous tea, as if it was unadulterated nectar served and chat as if there would never be another day come by to talk our hearts out.Nostalgia - there is no cure for it!

Getting married, and moving on with our careers, we still continued to make the rainy days very special. Piping cups of coffee, sitting by the window and chatting up on the philosophies of life which by now had changed a little for both of us, somehow made rainy days very welcome.

Somewhere along the line, seasons came and seasons went, and we got busy settling our nest. Little fledgelings came to the focus and stayed there, we forgot what rains or any other seasons meant anymore.

After a decade of being married, we saw the first rain again one Sunday this season and for old times sake thought about taking a ride in the car. Just being alone in the car together felt awkward enough to even start a conversation. Every topic felt it was not worth being discussed after what we had to go through to get this time together again. He cleared his throat a million times making me wonder if he was coming down with a throat infection, which pressed the panic alarm in my mind - his infection would get passed on to the little one, and that meant at least 4 to 5 days of absence from work. So, I initiated the conversation and asked, "Are you okay?". He said "Yeah, just some allergies I guess". I accepted that.

These days, I have gotten used to accepting everything everyone tells me at face value. Either everyone around me has suddenly grown smarter, or I have comprised with life. Don't really know what happened, but the silliest explanation a friend gives about why I never got a call from that person for the longest time was gracefully accepted by me after months of fighting. Little does that person realize that it's not the replies that have gotten convincing, but it the fact that I have begun to realize that you cannot force anyone to do anything for you - and that this feeling may cease one day. The risk seems to be lost to oblivion.

Back in the car- my husband spoke about his work, his co-workers, his marathon and also what he thinks we should be doing next summer. He told me that we never got to talk much these days because he was so busy, how his life was full of tensions, and how people in his life were taking up too much time.

I just smiled and looked out of the window - who's life these days was simple? Mine, yours or anyone you or I know of? Nobody. All of us are a part of the rut - running away from self-created monsters and chasing our self-imagined dreams.But, still somewhere along we had bothered to tell another person that we had cared for each other, and what had suddenly changed? Was it even fair to change priorities without being informed? Even in a Kindergarten classroom, the five year old is warned that she/he will not be the star of the week in the coming months. That puts expectations right - don't you think. What gave the other person the right to change plans for the other just because...

All that I had wanted for him to say was "I miss you when it rains. I miss the time we shared together. Can we share a cup of coffee today?"

I know it will come...till then me and my coffee cup with share a thousand secrets...

A Beautiful Rainbow

Groucho Marx once said: "The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

A good friend of mine sent this ...dedicated to all the wonderful and all the not-so-wonderful people I know...

The most beautiful rainbow

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.
You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time.
You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.
You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.
You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.
So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because
every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

Loyalty...

I have had various definitions to this word as I was growing up. At one stage of my childhood, it was about having someone as your best friend, then at one point when I was heart-broken with all my friends who didn't turn out to be "loyal" in terms of she didn't play with me today, he didn't lend me this comic to read first etc.,etc.
came in the philosophy - that no humans are worth being trustworthy - I believed in the saying that man's best friend can only be his/her pet etc.

Then came the years of college - and with it the burden of troubled hormones! Every small thing was a big deal! She said this, he said that, Mom frowned, Dad was angry, the neighbor cracked a joke on me, my brother did not think I looked cute in my new skirt and what not. So, everyone who did not make it to my favorites list for the day or even that hour at times, were added to the dis-loyals list :-)simply and brutally...
At time even felt like I had the burden of the whole world on my tiny (well, tiny compared to now :-) shoulders.
Little did I know that I had come hardly any distance in Life, and there was so much more to be seen yet...

The marriage phase set in, and came with it a newer definition of loyalty. Hubby said this, and didn't say that, he loves-me, he loves-me-not, in-laws said something, the sister-in-law was always grumpy, and never was nice to me, and the hubby didn't react to the insults she threw at me - in totality made up the baseline for the favorite people of that week or the month. And, thus evolved the loyals list - yet again. And re-defined!Simply and brutally...

The parenting phase followed. And with it the sleepless nights, and the diaper changes at the oddest places and times, including the teeny toilet of the aircraft, which I bet cannot accommodate beyond a normal sized butt :-) Thank God, I fit in - but changing the baby in that space was a hellish experience. And the chore of coming home from a full day's work and going through the not-so-great experiences with some of the blokes in other teams, only to find the baby in a rotten mood - makes you go with all that you have inside you at least what you have left, and you will want do anything you have to calm things at home. End of the tussle, a happy baby, and a happy husband - things being finally under control, kind of puts your faith back in the bigger force of nature! Yes, there is God, and he is watching and he takes care of you!.
Okay, so when the baby grows, and gives that tight big hug and the cutest smile to the dad - takes his side, after all that was done for her as described above by you, it simply felt like there was no definition what so ever for the term loyalty at all!

Every time I attempted describing it, I thought I had done and had it wrapped up - but had to do it all over again only too quickly..

It sets me thinking - is there anything called loyalty at all? Is it right to expect this in return at all from anyone in this lifetime?

Everyone uses you for something or the other - after all, it is the era of "Use and Throw". But guys, don't let the philosophy that every man's best friend is an animal since it has no expectations etc. bite you - we all are perfectly capable of giving and begetting loyalty in all imaginable forms!.

And also remember, what goes around comes around guys, you don't want to be that piece of Styrofoam... thrown once used, you want to be the piece of China that is preserved in the china cabinet...precious, and forever!

So, ensure that you become that China piece/or the China doll, by making sure not to treat others like Styrofoam. Treat them with utmost care, and lo behold, what do you think you will get in return?

Yes, Loyalty - for life !!!

Life as I see it Today...

I have a Birthday approaching, and I think there is never a better time to share what I'm going through than now...

I went to this music concert last evening, and I came out feeling a million things - happy, soulful, enthusiastic, energetic and most of all Alive!

At this point in my life, I so strongly feel that life is too beautiful to let it slip by - too precious to be wasted, day after day....

Little tiffs, misunderstandings, egos - so totally not worth it, and what a waste of time. Let's move on guys, we have so much to do...

Sorrow? What have you seen till you have lost someone so close to you - there in that moment, and gone forever in the next hour. Ask a mom, a sister, a father, a brother, who has lost someone they loved the most - ask them what sorrow is, and they'll tell you how every song, every book, every piece of clot, a color, a food, a smell, a mood, everything single detail - that reminds them of the person gone.

I sometimes wonder if there exists something like romantasizing death...I don't know - maybe there is....

Happiness? What have seen till you have put a smile on someone's face, or made someone weep out of joy, looked into a child's eyes when you just gave her the most wanted thing, had someone tell you that you are precious to them...

Love? What have you seen till you have been in love with someone who doesn't expect anything in return from you, a child's tight hug, someone who takes care to do those little things for you, someone who loves you even when you aren't your best...

Innocence? what have you seen till you haven't seen the face of a sleeping child...

My next year will be great - because, I will fill it with energy, enthusiasm, appreciation and the greatest of all Love!

Like I said Life is too short to waste it not living it up !!! Go get it guys....live it up !!!

Chaya - The Shadow

Trrriiing...Trriiiing...the shrill ringing of the phone continued as I came bounding down the stairs. By then, my maid Gauri had beat me to the race and was barking into the receiver "Who is this?". She turned to me and said in a whisper "It is Mr.Yash". She handed the receiver to me with a coy smile on her face, and moved away from the room.

At last, he had called. In a split second, my mind was racing - should I take the call, or should I just hang up on him? I knew why he was calling - to tell me the supposed "good news". He was getting married.
Married to the one chosen by his family. A girl that belonged to a similar background as his, similar financial status and from the same village.So, his family had approved of his bride-to-be!

A part of me celebrated with him, because he was more than a bum-chum to me! I had grown up with him. But, there was the woman in me that wanted to slap him for what he was doing to me.

Well, I guess my good upbringing, my education and my values stopped me from doing anything. Instead, I took the call and held my breadth. Waited for him to break the good news! He said "Chaya, I'm getting married. I've finally found the girl, and I want you to be the best girl!" what an honor! I have always been your best girl Yash- your best friend and best everything for so long. Yash, I don't need a tile now!

I simply replied "Congratulations Yash! ofcourse, I'll be your best girl". Now, who cared how many million pieces my heart had broken into right at that moment? Yash was too excited to notice that I wasn't even speaking anymore. I was told that the arrangements were all made, and it would be one grand wedding!

Sure, I would be there to watch my buddy step into the family mode. I was happy that Yash was going to be a responsible husband.

Who was happy for Yash? Me, or my shadow - as my name suggested? I didn't know anymore.

The rains came early that season. It hadn't stopped pouring down since this morning - and it was past 2:00 PM in the afternoon. I saw on the porch and watched the rain. Gauri was busy making some coffee for me in the kitchen. I had always shared this cup of coffee with Yash for many many years. He had lived across the street and all I had to do was shout his name. And, it would typically be on a weekend, and he would appear out of nowhere and plop himself right beside me- to share my laughter and my coffee! Things were so simple and uncomplicated at that time.

"Chaya, guess what? My wife Sonia found a job! I can't believe it, she managed to do it in such a short time". Really Yash, I had done it too. Just that you had not noticed it.

I only said "Fantastic, you deserve to celebrate!" I was happy for Yash - I always was, when good things happened to him!

I was invited over to their anniversary dinner. Wow! what a spread- I said looking at the table laden with a variety of food. Immediately, I heard Yash pick up "Yes Chaya, Sonia has worked very hard to cook all this food!". Yash, I had always worked equally hard, whenever I cooked for you in all these years I have known you.

But, all I said was "Happy Anniversary Yash!". Yes, and I sincerely was happy that my buddy was so content with her cooking. That was the true me.

Who was happy for Yash? Me, or my shadow - as my name suggested? I didn't know anymore.

The rains had stopped. I was too busy to notice the change of season. Work was the only thing I knew these days.

It was 4:00 PM in the afternoon, and I had just heard the news! I had been promoted! I was now the Vice President of the unit I once worked for. It was a big achievement for me! I had to share this news with Yash.

With all the effort it took when one was too excited, I dialed his number. Yash answered the phone on the first ring. Without even waiting for him to say hello, I said "Yash, guess what? I got what I had been aspiring for - my dream come true!".

Yash sounded a little irritated - "Chaya, can I call you back? I'm with Sonia helping her pick a new outfit for her brother's wedding. She will be mad if she doesn't find me right outside the fitting room. I'm sure you understand being a girl!" and he laughed loudly into the phone. What a joke! I said "Sure Yash, I understand. Bye. I'll catch you later". Oh, so he had noticed I was a girl too. But, the similarities to the gender seemed to end there in his mind.

"Chaya, we are planning to do some gardening this summer. Sonia loves to grow everything on her own." Oh really Yash? I'm sure you forgot the herbs and the tomatoes we had grown together a decade ago. I said "That's a good way to use your time during summer". I was happy that Yash had re-discovered his green thumb.

Who was happy for Yash? Me, or my shadow - as my name suggested? I didn't know anymore.

"Chaya, Sonia got a promotion! Can you believe it. Her boss is impressed with the work she delivered. In such a short time Chaya - she is amazing!" True Yash, Sonia was truly amazing - she had delivered everything you spoon-fed her with, in such a short span of time. Did you happen to forget that I had achieved everything on my own? All that I said was "Please convey my congratulations to Sonia!" I was happy that Yash was thrilled with his wife's progress in her career.

Who was happy for Yash? Me, or my shadow - as my name suggested? I didn't know anymore.

"Yash, I need you to take me to the city this evening. I need to attend my boss' wedding reception, and I have to be there. And you know that I'm scared to drive by myself after dark.I'll get someone to drop me off after it is done". Yash was in a rush to meet Sonia at her parents' house. "Chaya, her brother is going off to study in another city. I have to be at their house. Sonia will be upset if I'm not there". Sure Yash, I understand.

Was expecting your childhood buddy to be there for you when you need him - too much to ask for? Maybe. But I was happy that Yash was always smiling these days!

Who was happy for Yash? Me, or my shadow - as my name suggested? I didn't know anymore.

I decided to take a vacation for a couple of weeks. Go far away, and be with myself.

I reached the sea town after driving for a couple of days. All by myself. Stopping at every little place I took a fancy for! I had thoroughly enjoyed the drive.

As soon as I reached the little inn, the owner came into sight and asked me if I needed help with my bags. I gratefully accepted. He introduced himself as Harsh. I met him again during breakfast and got to chat a little about the sites I could see during the day time. He was very helpful, and gave me all the information and even offered to drive me around. An offer I couldn't refuse coming from a local!

Harsh seemed to be a very intense person. He said less, and meant more than what he said. He seemed very genuine. Books were our common interest, and life had thrown many surprises at both of us. We seemed to share a lot in common.

It struck me that when I spent time with Harsh, I laughed easily, was very happy and just seemed to come alive! He was so much like Yash - always brought out the best in me!

It was after dinner that Sunday evening. We were sitting on the balcony and chatting up with a mug of coffee. I always felt very secure in Harsh's company. The night air was warm. There was soft music that wafted through the adjacent dining room. The moon shone bright, and the stars seemed to dance with some mystical glee. Harsh broke the conversation, and softly said "Will you marry me Chaya?" My heart stopped. I shivered for a second - the breeze had picked up and the trees swayed.

Was this true? or was I dreaming?

I only said" Can we talk about it in the morning please?" Harsh simply nodded, got out a light coat, draped my shoulders with it and walked me to my room.

I was shaken. I just lay there thinking - what if I said yes? Would I be betraying myself and all that I still felt for Yash? I heard myself laughed at that idea - Yash of all the people? He was happy and busy and had moved on? So, who was I imagining that I was making the sacrifice for? And what if I said no? I could have my life all to myself. No one would disturb me in my own little shell. I laughed at my own humor!

I called Yash the next morning "Yash, I have to share something! I have a surprise! Yash seemed to have just woken up "Chaya, give me a minute. Okay, now tell me - I had to give this cup of coffee to Sonia. She goes mad if I don't wake her up with this first thing. So, what were you telling me?...." I simply mumbled.."I think I found someone I want you to meet...Never mind Yash. I'll call some other time".

I had broken free! It didn't hurt anymore. The expectations had ended. At last! Yash was happy. So, I think all I needed to do was let him go....

Me and Harsh settled down in the sleepy little town. We had two little angels of our own! Harsh was more than I could ever hope for in a husband! Life sailed on. But, every cup of coffee I sipped while it rained brought memories of Yash back to me.

I always wondered who had lost in the end? Did he lose me as a friend or a special someone? Or had I lost him as a friend or a special someone? I could never find out.

After all these years, Yash had sent his latest pictures - He had his arms around his wife....smiling from ear to ear and he looked content! I was happy after all this for Yash.

Who was happy for Yash? Me, or my shadow - as my name suggested? I didn't know anymore. I didn't care anymore...

What I had missed seeing at the back of one of the pictures were the words "Chaya, I miss you...wish you were here, with me!". Smudged with a tear....

The Lost Time

Amit quickly ran up the stairs and shut the door behind him. He stood there panting, trying to catch his breath and trying to focus on things around him in the room. After a few seconds, he ran to the window that overlooked the street and took a peek. He could only catch a glimpse of Mr.Roy's back. The old man was slowly fading away from sight, walking at a very slow pace, with what seemed like a limp in his left leg.

Waves of mixed emotions engulfed Amit - he just stood there shaking. Anger, hatred, sorrow, helplessness, love and loneliness swept him up in their powerful grasp. He simply let himself be taken over.

He had bumped into Mr.Roy after a long long time. Hadn't seen him or even had as much as a glimpse of him for over two decades now. He had been their neighbor for several years at the time Amit was growing up. A very helpful family - Mrs & Mr.Roy. As Amit crossed the street a little while ago, Mr.Roy had come straight into his face. The older man squinted for a minute against the sunlight and tried to place the face that he had seen long ago, which wore a very mature look now. After a minute, he said "Amit, is that you? Where have you been?" His voice choked with emotion.

Amit on his part simply nodded, turned on his heel and ran up the stairs to his house across the street, as if he had seen a ghost from the past.

As he now stood next to the window, Amit remembered that rainy night very clearly from many many years ago. The night that changed his life - forever. He must have been 9 years old at the time. It had been pouring down for almost 3 days. He had just eaten dinner and was lying down with his mother while she was humming some of his favorite songs for him. There was a soft glow in the room, and his mom's voice floated strong and steady. Amit drifted away - into a state that was in between sleep and being awake. She looked so beautiful to him - his precious mother. He was almost afraid to touch her! For Amit, his mother represented everything that was strong, beautiful, soft, tender, and so full of love, all at the same time. Her very name 'Arpita' was music to his ears. He simply adored her.

Few minutes into sleep, and he was jolted awake by the shrill ringing of the telephone - his mother ran to pick it up. She was silently hearing to the person on the phone speak. Her face began to change colors. She simply stood there sobbing into the phone for a few minutes. She did not say much, put the receiver down, switched on the lights and sat at her reading desk, with her head bent low. He came and asked her what had happened. She simply said - "nothing, it was your papa on the phone". Tears flowed down her cheeks. Amit stood there, helpless; wanting to protect her from all that happened in the last 10 minutes. Their world had changed upside down for some vague reason!

Mrs.Roy their neighbor had seen the lights on and had come to ask if everything was okay. At that point Arpita broke down and explained that Amit's papa had called from another city and had said he was busy with his work and would not return for a few weeks. Everyone knew that he was using work to get away from home, from Arpita and their marriage. Arpita was not stunned, but hadn't expected this either. He was getting bolder about making no bones about their non-existent relationship. Mrs.Roy stayed through the night and kept talking and consoling Arpita.

The next night, Amit lay in his bedroom. They had had a terrible day - his mother had refused to touch food or water. For her, all that she had avoided confronting when it came to her marriage, had turned to black and white - the writing was on the wall. She had to do something now.

He could see the window next to the dining room where his mother now stood gazing at the moonlight spread on the lawn outside. Mrs and Mr.Roy had come over and had eaten dinner with them, to help keep their spirits up. Mrs.Roy was tired and had gone home early to go to bed, since she had stayed up the previous night. Mr.Roy stayed back and now stood next to Arpita. He could see his mother sob. She was a mess since last night. The next instant he saw Mr.Roy hold his mother in his arms and wipe her tears away - gently. They stood there glued together for what seemed like an eternity.

Amit was stunned. He sat up and stared. The act seemed so innocent, yet there was something about it that he hated. It was so spontaneous - one that any human would do for the other in times of need, yet there was a gentleness to it that said a million things. He did not understand what it was, but he hated it! The very sight and occurrence of it!

He got up and was standing at the doorway to his room.Mr.Roy suddenly saw him through the corner of his eye. He quickly let go of Arpita. There was an awkwardness that was palpable. What would happen next?. Instead, Mr.Roy cleared his throat ; simply said - "Good night Arpita - good night Amit. Take care of yourselves", and left.

Amit went to his room and lay down. His mother of all the people in the world? What had happened to life as he knew it a day ago? Everything seemed to go wrong. His mother slowly came to his room - and sat at the edge of his bed. She touched his head and was about to run her fingers through his hair - as if nothing had happened?. He had always loved it when she did that. But now, Amit just pushed her away and turned to the other side. She tried to turn him to her side, but his push again was packed with all that he currently felt. "Go away - leave" he said between clenched teeth. She left.

When Amit thought back, Mr.Roy had always been a part of every scene in their family - his school, his cricket matches, his swimming, in his absent father's place. Always with them, doing something together. He had always enjoyed his company, up until now.

For the next few days Amit hardly saw her face much less said anything to her at all. Arpita had lost a few pounds and looked like a reflection of herself. Unrecognizable.

Amit stayed away. He felt betrayed. He felt she had stooped low. Fallen in his eyes. She was an epitome of dignity for him, and she turned out to be very common. Just like anyone you would meet any common place. His mother, whom he thought was an embodiment of strength, purity and selflessness had turned out to be so predictable, so weak and so selfish.

On one particular night that winter, Amit lay burning with a high fever. His body ached and he felt the chills rake his body. Arpita sat down next to him and tried to sponge him with some water. Amit felt nauseated. He simply pushed her away. Earlier, all he wanted was his mother when he was sick. He just wanted to cuddle up to her and take care of him. Something had broken inside him now. He blamed her for pushing his father away from their nest - she was in some way responsible for him not to have a father figure. He attributed it to her behavior - what he did not know was what had come first. Her behavior or his father's distancing from the family...The fever kept rising...he didn't care.

Arpita was deeply hurt by his resentment, and all that she could do was sob and pray things would change.

She had lost a husband and a son the same night. What woman would be doomed to such fate she thought...

Years rolled by. Amit completed his under graduate degree from a reputed Institute, and got a job offer overseas. Their relation had not improved in warmth, but they were now talking on day to day things. After all, they lived under the same roof - life had to go on. Arpita tried very hard, but was met with equal and stronger resentment every time. She kept trying, praying and waiting...

It was awkward breaking the news to his mother. But as he sat silently eating his dinner, he pushed the offer letter in front of her. She read it and said "So, are you going?". He said "Yes, by the end of this month". This moment under normal circumstances would have been so different. They would be happy and at the same time so upset to be torn away from each other. But now...

The day he was leaving, Arpita was unwell and had a bad migraine. He stood by her bed and in one mad moment wanted to hold her, tell her he would miss her, ask her why she had ruined it all for him, tell her he still loved her. But, he did none of that. He told her he was leaving, and that she could reach him at a telephone number he had written down in the diary next to the phone.And he left.

Months turned to years, and he still felt raw inside when he thought about his mother. He hated her, he loved her, and she was still a part of him. But, he never understood how to deal with the pain he felt. The bile rose in his throat every single time the incident came in front of his eyes. He could never forgive her.

One summer day that year, he received a call from one of his relatives that his mother was in the hospital. Before he could even react, the same relative called a day later to say she was no more. Everything was over - quietly.

Amit went back to his country and his house to wrap up things, and this morning had bumped into Mr.Roy after all these years...

He stood staring out of the window at the moonlight on the lawn - standing all by himself in a dark room. Amit stood there for hours and tried to find a closure.. maybe what she had done or not done was after all human, why had he gone to these lengths to punish her? And punish her for a lifetime? Did he in the end punish himself? It was really not her problem that he idolized her - all she wanted from him was to be loved!

Silently as tears coursed down his cheeks, he thought I should have probably at least once told her that I still loved her, held her hand and asked her to forgive me for all the times I did not stand by her, in times when she needed my shoulder to cry upon....but, what use was it now?

I Wish...

I wish, I wish , I wish ...

How many times have you heard yourself and people around you say this? How many times have you said it yourself in the past 3 weeks?

I wish I had more number of hours in a day
I wish there was no traffic on my way back home
I wish it was not so cold
I wish my headache vanished
I wish my friends didn't play politics
I wish my children were with me always
I wish my co-workers were more sensible
I wish my friends spent more time with me
I wish my spouse took a moment to throw me a loving glance
I wish there was no hatred in this world
I wish I had done better with my career
I wish people around me smiled a lot more
I wish my life was simpler
I wish the world was a better place ...

Could we change any one single thing that you can directly influence, in the endless list above? things that trouble us every single day? Of course, we can. I do strongly believe we can. We can change everything we have a control on, all that pertains to us- one step at a time. In our little world that surrounds us. Think about it - for every trouble that comes our way, there is at least one thing you can do to help yourself to fight it, resolve it. It is all about finding that single thing ! At least we have the power within ourselves to change our own lives - every single day.

While you work on changing what troubles you, there is the other factor of missed opportunities. Factors that will make our tomorrow, while we continue to live them or miss them.

Never deprive yourself an opportunity of grabbing that single thing that can change your life - you blink your eyes and it could very well pass by you. Silently. You will not even be aware of what passed you and what it could have done to you and your life. This is true in our personal and professional lives - every single day.

Change it now while you still have the chance to. While you are still in the moment, and are living it.

Don't lose that moment....for you will never get it back...Have you ever met a person who has lost a beloved - a friend, a brother, a sister, a son, a parent ? Ask them and they will tell you what it means to do what you always wanted to do -right now, without losing a single moment. The hugs they would have given, the fights they would never have had, the bitterness they would never have shown, those special somethings they never shared, all those things undone - just another day, just another minute in their lives would have made all the difference, to tell their special people how truly special they were to them!

Without sounding pessimistic, to put across the reality - we never know what tomorrow holds in store for us. So, maybe we should live our lives doing all those little things today, for which we may not have time tomorrow.

SMILE AND BE HAPPY - IT'S YOUR DAY TODAY!

The Toss of Fate

"Common Rani..catch me if you can..."...Raji kept running through the green pastures by the river. Rani ran as fast as she could- she had the wind in her legs :)

Raji and Rani were the best of friends. Best of friends ever since they had known their own identities. Social status, family situations or the joys and sorrows failed to touch them- their hearts were bound together. More than sisters probably.

Raji's father owned all the villages nearby, and Rani's father served him in his administration.

It was the time in history when industrialization had just begun, and the world was turning upside trying to adjust to the wars, the poverty, and the excitement of the various scientific inventions. The struggle for power and political stability was widespread and seemed to affect the man on the street in every part of the world.

Among all this turmoil, the girls and their friendship remained removed from this time and era.

Panting, they fell to the ground laughing. "Raji, this is not fair. You are too fast for me" complained Rani making a face. "I'am sorry - okay I won't win the next game. Now are you happy? Smile now" said Raji. The sun shone in her golden hair and enhanced her beauty even further. Rani was very simple but very pretty nonetheless.

Just then, they heard a rustle behind the trees, and before they could be up on their feet, were greeted by Sohan. He came out of the clump of trees and immediately stopped in tracks. He muttered an apology and was about to turn - Raji called after him "It's okay Sohan, it is just us. Please join us here". Sohan came by and sat at the edge of the river. The conversation was mellow in the beginning, but they were bonded better by the end of that hour. They split the lunch they had bought with them, and had the greatest time together laughing and joking about everyone around them and the silliest of the things! What a threesome they made :)

Sohan was the new gardener, and took care of the fruit groves. He was tall with very sharp features. Very aristocratic and good looking in his own way, had a royal way of carrying himself. All the girls in the vicinity surely took a second look at him when he passed.

Days rolled by and the time the three spent together increased. But, they had to be careful that the guards did not see them together. If they were caught with a gardener, Raji's dad would slay them on sight. The name and the honor of the aristocratic family mattered more than anything else to him. But, every clandestine meeting was full of fun and frolic yielding the best of times for the three.

That winter, Rani was away visiting her grand parents in another village. As per their routine,Raji and Sohan continued to meet. They met a few times in her absence. What seemed to change now was that there seemed to be a new meaning to their friendship everytime they were together. Raji was complete, confident and self-sufficient in every way. Sohan was reliable, strong and easy going. But, what he may have lacked was knowing what he really wanted in anything he did - Raji more than made up for his weakness.

There was nothing really said - no flowery language, no false promises. But in their hearts they knew that there was something special between them. All they did day after day was to watch the sunset together.

Seasons changed, Rani came back and things were back to normal. The usual running about, the tantrums, and chasing the sheep :)

Raji and Rani were sitting by the fountain one late evening, and Rani suddenly asked -"Raji, do you like Sohan?". Raji simply nodded. They never talked about it again.

They spent their lives together without a care for the world - happiness both self-created and bestowed by fate. Raji was raised by a step mother who hated her to the very core. And Raji on her part did everything she could to pick up every shred of happiness she could lay her hands on ! It was not worth being sad or upset about anything in this lifetime - happiness in every form is to be cherished and celebrated was her philosophy.

On a late Winter evening, when the cattle were returning home with the sun setting in their background, Rani came to Raji and just held her for a brief moment. Raji said "Hey, what is the matter with you - you even have a wonderful mother who loves you. Why are you sad?" She laughed at her own joke. Rani was silent and quietly said "Sohan's father and my father met this morning at the temple. They want us to get married in the summer"

Raji did not move for a split second, then she said "so, why does that have to make you sad - my doll? Can you first smile please?" Rani looked at her perplexed. The she said "Are you okay Raji? You are the one who likes him. How can I take away something that belongs to you?" Raji laughed.

The two friends just sat there crest fallen. They had a problem and no solution. Any solution they came up with would hurt one of them. After what seemed like ages, Raji couldn't take the silence any longer. She suddenly chirped up and said, "how about we toss a coin and decide who gets married to him!" What? Decide your life with a toss? Raji has surely gone crazy with her pain thought Rani.

The got out a gold coin and Raji said "Heads you marry Sohan, Tails I marry him". Before Rani could say anything, the coin was tossed high up in the air - and seconds later started it's descent back into Raji's hand. Rani shut her eyes with fear - fear of facing the moment of truth. Slowly Raji opened her palm - Heads ! Heads it was, and the decision made. For the briefest moment there was a shade of something that passed in Raji's eyes - gone the next second. No one could tell what the feeling was or if there had been anyt emotion there at all.

Rani sobbed and said "I'am sorry Raji. Please do not be angry that I'am taking something that is truly yours". "Sorry for what Rani? How can you take away something from me that never was mine anyway. Fate has a very interesting sense of humor- always. Spices up our lives just when you begin to get bored".

And she thought to herself - you always let go of things that were most precious to you! That was the joy of giving anyway !

Sometimes decisions made on a split second are the most painless. The more time we have to debate on the rights and the wrongs, often enough we humans in our greed to obtain and posses the best of everything, end up making the worst mistakes of our lives. Grab what comes your way, and think that fate has tossed the best pick at you ...Raji laughed and shouted - "Common Rani, don't waste time standing there. Catch me if you can..." She ran as fast as she could...

What happened after that was a whirl wind of events..

They said she'd give up
They said this was injustice
They said someone would regret it
In the end they were all wrong

Raji moved on in life - But every sunset brought with it a barrage of memories...

Like they say Love happens only once. The rest is compromise.

Poem for the Day

A pick from a great Poet - Rabindranath Tagore - Enjoy !

JOURNEY HOME

The time that my journey takes is long and the way of it long.

I came out on the chariot of the first gleam of light, and pursued my voyage through the wildernesses of worlds leaving my track on many a star and planet.

It is the most distant course that comes nearest to thyself,
and that training is the most intricate which leads to the utter simplicity of a tune.

The traveler has to knock at every alien door to come to his own,
and one has to wander through all the outer worlds to reach the innermost shrine at the end.

My eyes strayed far and wide before I shut them and said `Here art thou!'

The question and the cry `Oh, where?' melt into tears of a thousand streams and deluge the world with the flood of the assurance `I am!'

Rabindranath Tagore

Of Strengths and Weaknesses

Did you ever encounter a situation when the reality of one of your strengths turning into your weakness, hit you?
That said, even the reverse holds true in some cases - that of one of your weakness turning to a strength.

Things, people or even relationships that you always pride are your very core strength could potentially turn into the dreaded noose around your neck. If we stepped back and thought about it - what is it that turns them from one to the other, the answer is fairly simple. Expectations!

The minute this element enters any effort, process or a relationship, the end or failure of the same, begins to appear on the horizon. But, is it possible for us humans to alleviate much less remove ourselves from this overriding factor? It is definitely easier said than done. This very factor may also present itself as a motivator, based on previous history of success, in some cases.

Think about it - but is Freedom - freedom in all our interactions, or relations, in all that we say or do- really the opposite of Expectations of all sorts?. Maybe in some vague sense, Yes. But, Freedom, comes with it's own baggage - so the Mantra that works here maybe Moderation - moderation of even the best things in Life!

To quote from Jiddu Krishnamurthy's writings:

Freedom is not a reaction; freedom is not a choice. It is man's pretence that because he has choice he is free. Freedom is pure observation without direction, without fear of punishment and reward. Freedom is without motive; freedom is not at the end of the evolution of man but lies in the first step of his existence. In observation one begins to discover the lack of freedom. Freedom is found in the choiceless awareness of our daily existence and activity.

True North

Click! Anu slowly put the phone down. It was all over...looking out at the distant hills out of the window, Anu let the sob escape her...

Raj and Anu had begun their life together 20 years ago, on a bright summer day. The world seemed to belong to them that day! Their lips could not do justice to the happiness they felt in their hearts, their eyes could not capture the love they shared.


"Anu, where is my phone" - Raj was frantically searching for his wallet and his cell phone. "Clumsy as usual" - thought Anu. When will this mamma’s boy grow up, and what would he do without me:). She found both the things buried in the folds of their leather couch, and put it in her hubby's pocket. Raj was out of the door before she could bat an eyelid - late for a meeting as usual!

The first anniversary meant a lot to both of them! Raj ensured he got her the right color of roses. He even remembered to buy her a book from her favorite author. Anu was simply thrilled.

"Anu, where is my laptop now?"- Raj was irritated. The house never looked the same anymore. Anu had begun to work, and did not have much time to make a museum of it like she always had done before.

"Anu, wake up - quick". She was startled. Raj was shaking her to wake her up. She glanced at the clock. It was 2 AM in the morning. "What happened Raj?" . He sheepishly grinned "Nothing Anu, I just had to talk to you - I have so much going on. How about we chat with a cup of coffee on the patio?". At 2 AM ?. Then she grinned - he is such a baby, she thought.

An unplanned vacation, a stolen day off from work, a quick lunch together - they managed to spend their life as much as they could together. Even did laundry together. Had to be together you see :)

"Anu, where is my suitcase. I need to fly out in the next 4 hours to the company head quarters in Singapore". A trip? on the fly? oh well, she knew Raj. Everything was so spontaneous. The next two days flew by with no news from him. Then a call from the airport - "Anu, I'am coming back. There has been a change in plan". She quickly cancelled her plans to eat dinner with a friend. Wanted to be home when he came back, tired from a trip. Her friend was mad, but she couldn't do much.

Years rolled by, Raj was one of the few important people in his company now. Birthdays and anniversaries came by and went, but there was never time to celebrate them anymore. Flowers and mid-night coffee chats had been long forgotten.

"Anu, where is my.... forget it , I found it myself". Raj stormed out of the house. Late for a meeting as usual. "Raj, I need to talk to you...". He was gone. They had to talk about selling one of their houses in their hometown, and it was an important decision to make. She couldn't do it alone. Later that afternoon, she called him at work. She suddenly remembered something about one of his relatives, and the way he said hello into the phone, and just to pull Raj's leg, she said it into the phone, and began to laugh. "Anu, I'am busy - tell me quickly - else we could talk later. I do not have time for silly jokes..." The phone went mute. She felt something rip through her. What had all this come to? What was more important in our lives than to share a laugh together?

They also had the battle of infertility to fight together. They had been trying to have a baby for over six years now, and it had turned into her struggle somewhere along the way. The disappointments, the reports, the tests - it was depressing.

That week, she went to their hometown. The beautiful little house amidst the mountains worked their magic on Anu. Two days of taking walks all by herself, listening to the sounds of nature, did it! She felt the calm, and just standing by the monolithic rock by the winding path, she made her decision.

Raj picked up the phone and barked into the receiver "Yes Anu, where on the face of the earth are you? who is going to take care of all these bills, and the house if you go away on your vacation? I don't have the time - I have better things to do" . The world will stop without me - Anu silently added to his sentence inside her mind. All she said into the phone was "Raj, I'am not coming back- ever". There was silence. Absolute pin drop silence. "What? you are kidding right?". She just said "No"

She had done it. Simple and straight. There had been no arguments, no fights, no nothing nasty ever. And, everything they had painfully built together, was over - just like that, in a minute! vanished into thin air! They had nothing to share anymore.

The coffee brewed, and the aroma of it wafted through the house and into the little garden behind the house. She poured herself some, and sat by the staircase. Tried to force herself to drink a sip. No, couldn't. Raj loved coffee. She couldn't get herself to drink even a sip of it in the last month. Since the day they had their little phone conversation.

Every little thing went back to Raj somehow. The walks, the coffee, the food, the TV, the books, the rainbows in the mountains, the rain - everything simply reminded her of him.It was simply unbearable.

If he had meant so much to her, why could she have not compromised a little more? why had she wanted her freedom? To do what? Is it that something or someone just grows on you and finally becomes a part of you and your life unknowingly?

It was funny, she thought. You fight through all the odds till you get what you believed would be the solution for all of your problems, and then once you get it, turn around and again fight till you get rid of it. Will we humans be ever happy? Always running behind something we don't have...

"Anu, where is my coffee.." Raj was stunned by the silence that echoed.He was so used to having Anu mother him, take care of him and anticipate his every need. It had all seemed so unimportant at that time. All that had mattered were the profits of his cost center, his company - the charts and graphs.The food, the home she kept, the very things he so took for granted were all long gone.She had silently stood by him, at all times. And now had as silently retreated away, taking away his world with her. He slumped into the sofa, and thought "What had gone wrong?" The smiles, the laughter, everything - sacrificed for what?

The sunset was amazingly beautiful! Anu stood there watching it for a long long time. Everything in nature seemed to be so calm, so contained and so uninterruptible. Sunsets were especially beautiful when you shared it with someone you cared, she sighed. In a mad moment, she wished Raj was here - right next to her. What was wrong with her, she was the one who ran away from him, their life together. And now this? Maybe she had carried things too far, and expected too much from him? But again, was it wrong to expect him to laugh with her once in a way, was it wrong to expect him to pamper her once in a way? Whatever it was, the painful reality was that her life was destined to be with him, he was a part of it, and was meaningless to her now without him. She felt lost - he was her true North!

Everyone of us have something or someone that are our own pivotal points - it is all about finding it or them - finding our own true North !!

She heard a car park infront of the picket fence. Raj came into the yard, and into the house. He stood hesitantly at the door. She had a question in her eyes. He simply said "I've come to take you back". She thought - Can't you say you missed me? Can't you say I'am everything, instead of being so plain. So, practical in every expression? She laughed ! why was she such a dreamer? why did she expect all this. This was him. Simple, plain and practical. And, she knew he was her destiny - there was no other way to it.

She packed, and she was on her way ...back...headed North..with her true North.

Zugunruhe !

The morning Sun seemed to greet all the sleepy heads a very good morning and shone bright and brilliant !!

Anita stood on her terrace this morning right next to the coconut tree and the jasmine creeper, sipping her coffee and digging up all her memories. Summers spent lying on the cool terrace, soaking up the sweet scents of the jasmine, and hiding here on various occasions - to escape from her brother and her cousins who got the wildest satisfaction playing tricks on her, and tormenting her no end through their summer vacations when they met up.

Two months to this day, she had been married to Neel, and they were about to set off to America. Neel had gotten a job with one of the consulting firms there, and was very excited about pursuing a career abroad! He could not wait to leave here, and start his new life. His excitement was very almost contagious. Anita for one was very excited that she was about to start a new life with her beloved husband, and at the same time was a little skeptical of starting it in an alien land - away from her parents, brother, cousins and the surrounding she had grown up in. She had packed and re-packed everything - except for one last box. She hoped to fill it with her memories - little trivia she had collected over the years. Little things that were a part of her life!

She opened the trunk that was carefully stashed away in the back of the attic, and went "AAcchoooo"! Ah, so much dust had collected on the top since she had last opened it - probably 8 years ago :) In there, lay little pencils, crayons, erasers, beads, feathers, comics and most precious of all the Rhine stones she had painfully collected as a child! And how proud she was of her collection! She put everything she wanted in the last unpacked suitcase and smiled when she thought of Neel's reaction- he would certainly scream!! But well, she needed to carry at least a part of her past with her - the familiarity comforted her. She was she, and needed these to be herself. She would pacify Neel :) She came bounding down the stairs and sat by the sofa. On the floor lay that day's newspaper, and something on the front page caught her attention - it was an article on "Migratory Birds" !! Complete details on how some birds flew very very long distances during particular seasons.

On the other side of the globe in California, Mr.Pai heaved a sigh as he put the folder away and set his glasses on the coffee table. At last, they were almost ready. He and his wife were away from their land of birth for almost 40 years! It was a long time to spend in an alien country when all that they had come for was to see the world for a year or two at the maximum. They did not realize how time had flown and how they gotten deeper and deeper into various commitments, and had almost forgotten their resolve to head back home! Two full time jobs, two beautiful, bubbly daughters to raise, a suburban home to keep and the commute kept their hands overly full. When they got a moment to breathe and thought of home, they always felt something tug - tug in the pits of their stomach. But, they had to wait for all these years for their little princesses to grow up, finish college and settle down.

Well, all that was done now, and they had the time to think of themselves and how they would spend the evening of their lives together. That is when without the slightest disagreement, Mrs & Mr.Pai had agreed that they had to go back - back to their motherland! Go back to where they came from - their very roots. The pull was too strong now - too much to ignore.

The grandfather clock in the hallway struck ten o'clock, and Mr.Pai decided to call it a day. On the way out, he picked up the newspaper of the day. The headlines caught his attention - it was a detailed article on the life of "Migratory Birds"! He stood there in the center of his huge drawing room with a ceiling that seemed to soar towards the sky - he stood there all alone right in front of a family picture, a picture full of smiling, happy people- people from his past, who seemed to be beckoning to him now.

Somehow the life of a migratory bird, and the lives of humans seemed synonymous to him - the restlessness seemed comparable. It was interesting to him to think how humans were so skeptical of changing their own habitat, fearful of a new surrounding. These birds migrated every season, with no fear or inertia. Why are we humans so complacent? And why do we fear change in all forms? Maybe because we have complicated our own lives, and created our own imaginary fears. And we indulge ourselves in breaking these self-created barriers!

The term "Zugunruhe" came to him - something that meant migratory restlessness, as told by his German friend and co-worker Rainer!

A tear coursed down his now crinkled cheek - he had taken so long, so long to go back. His mother had made him promise he would be back within two years - but ... time had just flown. Nothing was stopping him now- he was on his way back, but to an empty home. His mother was not there waiting for him- she had long since passed away. But, he had memories of his land - the scents, the people, the bonds and the familiar surroundings to hold on to, as they together walked hand in hand into the sunset of their lives....

The Story Writer

I just finished writing, and put my pen down. Phew! It always exhausted me writing a story - I lived and re-lived my characters. Played with them, turned them upside down in my mind, and did what I had to do with them - I was in control, it was my world! Entirely my very own.

I suddenly realized that I was late for my dentist appointment. It was noon already, and I hadn't had anything to eat or drink since I had woken up. Writing was a passion for me, and I felt obsessed when I was in the middle of writing one of my stories.I forgot all about food and sleep in the process :)

Looking at the clock, I had a full two hours before I got to the dentist. So, I quickly showered, dressed and ate a light lunch of a salad and a piece of brown bread with it. I washed it down with a glass of lemonade. I decided to stop at the local grocer to pick up the ingredients for my dinner this evening - I was having my best friend Pam over this evening. It was her birthday after all, and I wanted to do something special for her.

I stopped at the store in five minutes, and went straight to the produce section, and picked up asparagus, sweet potatoes and beets. I was grilling all the vegetables just like she liked. Then came Caramel Custard for desert! Yum I loved it too, just like Pam did :) Vanilla beans, whole milk and eggs is all I needed. It was while I was picking up the eggs, I felt a sense of 'deja vu' about the whole thing. I heard a kid run past me vrooming like an airplane, and almost bumped into me! I quickly stepped out of his way, and he was followed by his mom dressed in a pair of jeans and a white shirt. Gosh! their was something so very familiar about this whole scene.

Silly, I thought and brushed aside the whole thing. I landed up at the dentist. While I waited, my mind went back to the same scene,over and over again and the funny feeling I had was that I had seen the whole thing somewhere! It was too familiar. While I looked out of the window, and my mind ticked away - it came to me! Ah! that's it! the mom running after the boy was none other the heroine of my latest novel - Maya! But, why was Maya here? She was busy at a tech conference happening in New York - and that too in my novel. I hadn't written beyond that. How could she be here, and without my permission?

I was called inside the dentist's office. The wisdom tooth hurt. The pain was almost unbearable.I said the same to the doctor.He nodded and gave me something to ease the pain away- at least for sometime.The doctor's assistant casually conversed, and said "so, what are you doing this summer?" I immediately heard myself say "whatever my kids want to - maybe go away to a summer house on the beach". She nodded and left the room. I was shocked! What did I just say? Whatever the kids liked? I never had any kids - so which kids was I talking about? But this was exactly what Maya had said to her friend two chapters ago - in my novel!

I left the dentist's office and almost ran to my car. I was confused. I just decided I needed to take it easy now. The pressure was getting to me. Not worth it. I was just about to pass the mall. Instead, I thought it would do me good to stop by, have fun shopping and in the mean time pick up something for Pam for her birthday.

As I did some window shopping, I became aware that there was a little boy smiling and staring at me.Then I saw his grandmother trying to take him away from me and in a rush to go into the jacket store. I entered the store too, and thought I should buy a light jacket for myself. I liked a red jacket, and trying it on, I looked into the mirror. I looked stunning! The assistant helping around asked "for what occasion do you need a jacket for?" I quickly without missing a beat, replied "for a conference in New York". I walked out of the store with a daze - conference? what conference? I was a school teacher - just a plain school teacher surviving the summer vacation!
Lonely and bored - with no family and friends to share it with.

I sat there in my car parked under the tree .It had begun to rain- a mid summer shower. I sat there thinking, watching the rain. Wondering what was happening with me, and what had gone wrong. I just sat there for maybe hours and thought that somewhere along the way I had begun to live my characters - they had taken me over. I was not in control anymore - they controlled me now!

After what seemed like ages, I made peace - with myself. I had a smile on my face. I decided to quit writing - I would get my life back. I would not let my characters rule me - never.

I felt happy and light and relieved. I did not have to worry about anything now. No characters, no publishers and no more stories. I had my life back, and I would live it to the fullest, the right way!

The lights on the skyline twinkled...

Bollywood Songs- Uncensored !

This morning on my drive to work, I turned on my CD player in the car - I was on my way to the school to drop off my 4 year old.

The song that came on was from one of the latest Bollywood movies called Dhoom2 - so my 4 year old sings along "S.xy lady on the floor...". It was nauseating to hear such adult language from the mouth of a four year old.

That was what got me thinking - if one has cared to hear some of the latest songs that are belted out in the Bollywood movies - specially the ones in the last 8 years or so, you can see that they use language that is not commonly used.

On my last trip to India and specifically in a marriage, I saw little children dancing away to songs whose lyrics did not quiet suit them. Songs that did not make sense to them , nor looked good when they were gyrating away to wordings that were way above their innocent ages. What is more weird is that parents today are encouraging their children to go this route - this probably includes all of us!

Now who is responsible for writing the lyrics to these songs? Is there some kind of censorship exercised on them at all? Do they have any social responsibility at all, or is it that all they care about is their album being sold?
It may sound hypocritical to say the above, in an era when the counter argument could very well be that information should be widely and freely available to all - unbarred.

This menace of inappropriate lyrics is true specifically for songs originating from Bollywood. When you want to hum the latest song, you may want to watch your audience, because the wordings may not be all that hummable :)Maybe they should start rating (U, PG13 etc.) the songs too like the way they rate movies going forwards!

I must say that the music has definitely gotten better over the years, in terms of various instruments used, the technology used to get the effects and everything, but it has dragged down the lyrics in it's climb. Well, maybe you cannot have the best of both - and like they say good things could corrupt the world too!

Beauty Mantra

Here are some quick beauty tips - I was intending to say these are specially aimed at my female readers, but that is not true anymore in an age where men are getting regular facials and even getting their eye brows threaded ! So, use these tips as you please :)

*Have a party to go to, and don't have time for a facial ? Take a spoon of sugar, and scrub for two full minutes on a wet face. Rinse with cold water, and be ready to face the glow !
*Tomato is a great home made astringent
*Take a spoon of Papaya pulp, a spoon of cold milk, and half a spoon of honey. Mix and apply to face. Leave the mask on for at least half hour. The skin glows right after you rinse away !
*Crushed fenugreek seeds mixed with some yogurt is excellent for dandruff and for general hair health.
*A drop of lemon if used to rinse off your shampooed hair ensures a sheen to the mane :)
*Don't throw away an over ripe banana. It makes an excellent face mask. Mush and apply and rinse after 20 minutes.

try the above for now, and more tips to follow in subsequent articles...

Things that people say !

Today being a Monday morning, was as crazy as any other. I was busy getting my little one down and out of the car seat and at the same time convincing her that all big girls don't have to do everything on their own - that's when I heard a familiar voice behind me.

I was half inside the car, and half outside, struggling with the car seat belt. It was one of the moms I usually ran into every morning, and she was asking, “How are you doing” and breezed past me. Gone before I could bat an eyelid! It was as if she was never there. I had by now, come out of the car and was struggling to get the door shut without hitting the neighbor’s car, as the parking spot had said “Compact, and I still had ventured parking my car into the spot.

Now, I wanted to tell this lady all the hundred reasons why I was having a bad morning. A splitting headache, a sleepless night since the kiddo tossed due to a stuffy nose, a husband on the side who snored away, aching legs, hungry growl in the stomach since there was no time for breakfast, a bad hair day, or the fact that I was cold in a skirt – a bad choice on a rainy day!

I always wonder when people ask each other how the other is doing or Wassup - do they really ask because they care? If they do, they never really stop to find out. But, I assume it’s more for the formality. What use is this formality anyway? Why waste your time saying things you don’t mean and don’t have the time to follow through anyway?

I recently took a class, and the instructor taught things that were obsolete, but had to because it was part of the curriculum. So, every time he taught an obsolete command from the text book, he would say “If you ever use this syntax in real life, send me an e-mail”. Now, it tickled my imagination every time he said it. I sat there thinking, what will he do if everyone of us in the class uses one of these commands every single day, and sends him an e-mail? What’ll he do in the end with all those e-mails? Again, I realize it’s an expression he uses, but why say things you don’t mean? Who’s putting a gun to our heads to do these things?

All of us say and do things we really don’t mean or care about every single day of our lives. I know that there is no way out since we live in a society that is bound by rules – the very rules that were created by us. But, now the rules rule us, humans!

So, the next time you say something you really don’t mean – think of this article you have spent time reading. Look at your self in the mirror and try to be honest at least to yourself – believe me, you will be a happier person!!!

The Train

The engine blew it's whistle and chugged out of the little train station situated on the outskirts of our quiet little town.

I settled myself at the window and looked longingly at the green fields that belonged to people I knew and grew up with, all my life. I tried to capture one last loving glance of all my favorite sights - I would be gone to the city for a long long time on a job posting.

With a heavy sigh, I turned my gaze around the train compartment. There was an old couple opposite me - busy in getting their luggage arranged. Above them was a single guy already immersed in a book - he didn't seem to care about all that happened around him. On the farther side sat a middle aged lady, and along with her sat a young girl in her mid twenties. I saw that she was average in her looks, wore glasses and had a beautiful smile. Behind those glasses I saw big brown eyes- curious, ready to smile and happy!

Everyone seemed to have found their favorite spots and had settled in. Suddenly I heard a commotion, some arguing and then a thump of baggage being unloaded right next to me. I looked up and saw a fat man in his mid forties, carrying at least 3 bags and a big large suitcase - he had also managed to hold a cup of coffee with one hand. He was precariously balancing everything and he finally sat down carefully. Within 5 minutes of sitting, out came a packet of chips - he seemed such a friendly person with a very cheerful disposition. He turned to me and said "Has the ticket collector been here already ?" I nodded my head. He offered his pack of chips to everyone - I refused. He again said " what's the fun in travelling if you don't eat ?". I laughed - I hated to eat even a single bite even on the longest of my jouneys!

We were at least 3 hours into our journey. The young man who had buried himself in the book was alive to the world again - he had gotten down to stretch. He kept standing at the door and I noticed that he kept smoking and looking out for a long time. A thinker, a writer, an artist ? who could he be, I thought. He was unshaven, dark, tall, rugged and handsome in a very uncommon way. I shrugged - what do I care who all these people are.

An hour passed, and when I decided to get myself a coffee, I saw that the young man and the girl with the lady seemed to have gotten to know each other, and were busy chatting up. Young blood I thought - never waste a moment. Talk, talk all the time!
The guy seemed to have a good sense of humor - for everything he said, the girl seemed to be bursting into laughter. He then brought out a harmonica and played it for a while. He then set to teaching her how to play the harmonica.

Night fell, and everyone quietly ate their dinner. The fat man next to me had been a munching machine, and must have eaten at least a few pounds of nuts, crackers, candy, chips and god knows what. He had additionally guzzled a few quarts of soda, coffee, and water. Would he finish up all the food on planet Earth if left lose I thought. I laughed at my own imagination ! I was funny - at least I made myself laugh !

I glanced at the door, and on the steps I saw them - still chatting away. The girl and the guy were busy discussing - probably the most important topics they thought they could never find time to catch up on. Did they have to resolve world issues right this night sitting in that cold on that doorstep ? Why was I so bitter ? Why did it upset me that they were having such a good time? The soft sounds of the harmonica continued into the night.

I woke up a couple of times in the middle of the night - still could hear their quiet banter, interspersed with soft laughter. I finally sat up at about 5AM in the morning. It was my usual time to be up. I peeked outside the window and saw that the train had stopped at a big station. There was the aroma of coffee!

I saw that the guy had gotten down to get them both some coffee. Will make a good husband to some girl one day I thought! I got myself a cup and watched the sunrise throught the crack of the window. Watching a sunrise and a sunset has always been very special for me - I feel very raw and primal in my gut when I see the elements of nature resplendent in it's true colors!

The friendship between the two seemed to have grown.They were very comfortable, and the girl seemed to have picked up playing the harmonica. I saw the girl's mother tell her to catch some sleep and that it was enough. She turned a deaf ear and on went their chat.

A day into the journey, I was ready to throw at the sight of any food - my fat neighbor had done that to me !

That night I saw them talk again on the door step - everyone in the compartment was fast asleep. I had nominated myself to be the watchdog ! well, the truth was that I couldn't sleep with all the coffee in the evening.

As I watched them, I saw the guy hold her hands for a brief minute - she seemed to be listening to him - very intently. Certainly they were discussing something very important to both of them ! I wish I could move closer to hear. I then looked at her mother and thought - why can't she tell her daughter to go to bed now ?

I woke up the next morning, and found the guy ready with his bags to get down. The train was at a station. The guy and the girl were saying their good-byes alomst at the top of thier voices, and at the very end, there was a quiet quick exchange of glances and the guy got down.I immediately saw a couple, who seemed like his parents come to receive him.

Since the train had a long stop at that station, I got down and walked to the news stand.

The guy seemed to have forgotten his book - the one he hadn't had the time to read since the first day. He had run back to the compartment to get it, and seeing his parents standing next to me, I smiled. His mother smiled back and began a casual conversation and told me that she was so happy to see him back home. Afterall, he was to become a father any day since his wife was expecting ! It stirred up something in me.

The guy had come back by then and they left.I silently began to walk back to the train.

I went back to the train and saw the girl at the window. She was busy talking to the fat man and the old couple now. The train moved on, and another day passed before we reached our destination. I was irritated with the girl - I now wonder why ?

The girl seemed to have moved on too - she did not waste another minute getting to know the entire compartment, and had ended up eating many packets of chips with the fat man ! And that night, I saw her sit at the door step - she had the harmonica ! She began to play the notes I heard them play before. He had left his music behind for her.

She seemed happy - so, why was I not ? why was I feeling as if something beautiful that could have happened did not happen? Why did it bother me that he had a wife who was to have a baby at home ? Maybe it didn't bother the girl at all. Maybe they did not even think the way I was thinking for them. Maybe they knew that they were just going to be very good friends - and friends for the time the journey lasted? In the end they had had a good time. So, why did I feel all this ?

Oh well, I thought in the end, my being single at fifty seemed so easy and uncomplicated...the world and it's relationships were too complex for me to handle.


I was happy and that was all I cared about !

Grateful Forever!

On this day I wish to thank you for making
me a mom
On this day I wish to forget the loneliness
I felt when I did not have you
On this day I wish to forget the day I was
watching children play
and people questioned "how is it not being a mom?"
On this day I wish to forget the fear
of never having any of my own

On this day forwards, I wish to remember the joy
I felt when I first held you in my arms
On this day I wish to remember your
first smile
Your cuddles, warm hugs and wet kisses
Your first steps, your first song


On this day I wish to thank you for warming my heart forever...

A few tickles !

Top Ten Indian Joint Ventures :

10. A chain of "Bhaskar-RaoBins" ice cream stores all over the country, in collaboration with Baskin Robins.

9. Kraft will make "PARAMESAN CHEESE" at Madras, in collaboration with Parameswaran & Co.

8. Kentucky Fried Chicken will open its chain of Indian version, to be named, "KARNATAKI FLY-ED CHICKEN" and will be headquartered at Bangalore.

7. Pizza Hut will open a chain, in the back alleys of all cities, its version, to be named:"PICHHE HUT". Headquarters: Kanpur. PICHHE = means back-alleys for the uneducated

6. McDonalds will open its fast food restaurants to be named: "McDosalu". Hqs. Hyderabad. Main menu: Idli and Dosa.

5. Mr. Submarine will name its restaurants as "Mr. SUBRAMANI", to be headquartered at Madras.

4. Red Carpets colored with biodegradable (hence environmentally friendly) red PAAN. Juice extracts will enjoy duty-free status in US.

3. Dallas Cowboys will own a new franchise: Dilli's COW-BHAIS, to teach Indians how to play Football.... with hands.

2. Duty-free import of Ambassador cars into USA, as long as they are not used outside of Demolition Derby.

1. Internal Revenue Service will provide technology transfer of its Tax System software to Indian Income Tax Dept and to be named: "UNCLE SHYAM".
=========================
Santa Singh with two red ears went to his doctor.

The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what happened to your other ear?"
"The scoundrel called back."

==================
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn`t know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
===================
The world's most avid hockey fan, a beautiful sardarni, had arrived early at the stadium for the first game of the series between local rival teams only to realize that she had left her ticket at home.

Not wanting to miss any of the match, she went to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's wait she was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, 'Hey, Jasmeet!'

She looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner of the voice - with no success. Then she realized she had lost her place in the line, and had to go back to the end of the line and wait all over again. Just as she got to the window, a voice called out, 'Hey, jasmeet!' Again she tried to find the voice and got out of line as she wandered looking for the owner of the voice.

But no luck. She was very upset as she got back in line for her ticket.

Finally she had her ticket and took her seat eager for the game to begin. As she waited for it to start, she heard the voice calling, 'Hey,Jasmeet!' once more.

Furious, she stood up and yelled at the top of her lungs, 'My name isn't Jasmeet!'
==============

What is yellow and white, and goes down railway lines at over 100 miles an hour? The train drivers egg sandwich!
============

What one thing is everybody in the world doing at exactly the same time?

Growing older!
===========

My Nest

The door to Nina's bedroom shut with a bang, and an instant later I heard her scream "Dad, I will go no matter what !". I immediately heard Ashok shout from his bedroom below, with equal gusto - "Do what you have to Nina, and don't blame me later when you have to look for two square meals a day. I'll never ever speak to you after today if you dare leave".

This argument between them was a few years old, but had now reached a new cresendo. Nina wanted to persue a career in fine arts in a little artsy town on the west coast of the country, and Ashok being the successful professional, was completely unnerved at the very thought. He had never heard any of his friend's or acquaintance's daughters or sons persue a career in fine arts. All he knew was these were to be left as hobbies and dealt with for one's own recreation in spare time. Running after these ideals never got anyone anything in life - his philosophy was that dreams are never fulfilled on an empty stomach!

But, Nina on the contrary was a stubborn, strong willed girl. She had read enough material on the philosophy of life and her ideas set on how she wanted to lead her own life. She loved life, and wanted to live it like there was no other day left of it, everyday - she did not want to grow up and work for the cliched "job" just because everyone did it.

So, the debate had grated onto my ears day after day, and the tempers had rosen for the last few days since Nina was to leave for her new assignment the very same evening. It's funny that she wanted to go so badly and I knew as her mom that she would go come what may - but she still wanted her father's approval for the very same act! And being Ashok's wife I know very well, that this approval she seeks from him will never come in Nina's lifetime.

I had tried to make peace in all ways possible, since Nina was our only child. But, my position only got to being a tougher spot to be in, by the day and the hour. They pulled me in exactly the opposite directions. I thought what each one said was the right thing to do when I was alone with them - they had conviction and believed in what they said. And me, I couldn't live without the either of them. They were the pillars of my very existence.

The evening came, and Nina left with a peck on my cheek and a tight hug. Ashok never left his room even to bid her a good-bye. The night turned to dawn and a whole day passed. Nina hadn't called to say she had reached her destination safely either, and I hadn't seen Ashok leave for work or come back home - he had shut himself away.

I went into Nina's room that late evening. The sun had just set, and I hadn't turned on the lights yet. The minute I opened the door, I was prepared for a blare of the music to hit me. Nina always played her music very loud. But today, nothing happened.Her clothes were neatly folded. No piles on the floor. Her bed was made. No blankets hanging from the corners. I missed the mess. A familiar scent of her perfume hung in the air!
I went to her closet, opened it and stood for a brief moment. I then took one of her shirts in my hand. I was terribly missing my baby ! I just held her shirt to my face - feeling her almost next to me. I longed for her to dance around me, not letting me even talk ...."Mumma...Mumma...". Where had my baby gone? Was she afraid somewhere in the dark? Did she have nightmares? who would comfort her if she awoke in the night and couldn't sleep? Was she hungry ? Was she in good company?

I looked out of the window and sobbed softly into her shirt..I just wanted my baby back...my nest was empty. My little one had flown the nest..

Outside the window, in the garden stood a Mango tree. The Mother sparrow had laid four eggs, and recently out of them had come the baby sparrows! They were a pleasure to watch - tweetering away and fighting over every worm their mommy got for them. Motther sparrow was doing her best to keep them cozy and fed at all times. There was no daddy sparrow in sight - well, he was never around since she had had the babies. Every morning she taught them how to feed themselves, and tried to encourage them to fly! Three of the baby sparrows flew with no fear in their heart - they circled high above till they were tired and came back right into their mother's arms to hear her say how proud she was of them! The little fourth sparrow refused - he just didn't want to fly. No amount of her coaxing helped him fly. Mother sparrow was at a loss. she didn't know what to do. She kept talking to her baby that it was important to know to fly. Last afternoon, baby sparrow had looked into her eyes and seemed to have understood how strongly she felt that he should fly. That's when a miracle happened- it was last evening! The baby sparrow had flown ! He flew. But, had not returned ever since!. Actually, none of the baby sparrows had returned since sunset yesterday. Now mother sparrow was worried why all her babies had not come back for over a day. She waited...and waited...none came.

Mother sparrow wondered if she had done the right thing by encouraging her baby to fly..he had not wanted to. Atleast she would have had him if she had not insisted. Was she to blame for the loss?

Tears flowed as she sat perched on a branch right above the window...

Both the mothers had tears in their eyes, and emptiness in the pits of their stomach..it hurt, since their nests were empty now- their existence meaningless now..and the two mothers waited for their babies to come back home with abundant hope in their hearts!

They knew - their nests would be full again ! with laughter...and happiness all around, and forever!!