Another week gone by...and what a week it has been!!!
A busy weekend for some, a relaxing weeknd for some, a lonely weekend for some, a social weekend for some and a physically taxing weekend for some like me...I have my Yoga classes - so, there is not much sleep in the morning and no looong coffee sessions like I'd love to :-)
Here is the song - it is in Telugu - listen to it, you may even like it. The context is the girl asking the guy why he loves her, and he says I don't know why except that my heart beats for you...I won't spoil it - listen to the song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BO_SAqnryPA&feature=related
Friday, May 29, 2009
The Race
This morning when I was with my little one and she was again throwing her tantrums about why she doesn't like to eat breakfast, I was getting creative with my ideas to convince her why it was important for her.
A little background on this too - she is one of those kids who I cannot bribe if she doesn't want to do something. I even was worried about this and raised it with her pediatrician who spoke at length with me and convinced me that this is a wonderful trait that I should not corrupt - and that if she can stand strong at this age against temptations (including candies or doesn't care for what her peers think) it will help her stand up for herself in her teens and her adult years. She has even strictly told me to not mess with her personality and try to change her :-)
Yesterday I was telling her about how some of the kids won the spelling bee. And she said "why does one have to go to the stage to tell you spellings mama? I can do the same sitting here too" :-)
And last evening she also told me how she answered a question in the class about why the shells make noise. I'm told she was the only one who knew the answer and walked up to the front of the class and said "The air moves into the shell, comes out, and moves into your ear and come out" That creates the crying sound. She also made sure she said that she loved shells :-)
So, back to the breakfast scene. I told her - "If you eat your breakfast you will be able to answer more questions today and run faster than your friends on the play ground" (she is in the running club of her class by the way and is proud of her laps - so was using the carrot there!).
She thought for a minute and said - "In school, why do I need to always race with my friends Mama?"
I had nothing much to say - as I needed to really think the answer through. I was silent for a long time. I did tell her it's okay if she didn't want to...
The part is that she simply doesn't believe in it...at 4 feet tall, she seems to be her own lord and master :-) A little firebrand that is ready to take on our system of competitions, of comparisons and all that goes with it... :-)
I on my part, have some thinking to do - on the best way to handle her strength and still be able to mold her into being a better fit in this society that runs on these values - good or bad, I don't know. But a reality....
A little background on this too - she is one of those kids who I cannot bribe if she doesn't want to do something. I even was worried about this and raised it with her pediatrician who spoke at length with me and convinced me that this is a wonderful trait that I should not corrupt - and that if she can stand strong at this age against temptations (including candies or doesn't care for what her peers think) it will help her stand up for herself in her teens and her adult years. She has even strictly told me to not mess with her personality and try to change her :-)
Yesterday I was telling her about how some of the kids won the spelling bee. And she said "why does one have to go to the stage to tell you spellings mama? I can do the same sitting here too" :-)
And last evening she also told me how she answered a question in the class about why the shells make noise. I'm told she was the only one who knew the answer and walked up to the front of the class and said "The air moves into the shell, comes out, and moves into your ear and come out" That creates the crying sound. She also made sure she said that she loved shells :-)
So, back to the breakfast scene. I told her - "If you eat your breakfast you will be able to answer more questions today and run faster than your friends on the play ground" (she is in the running club of her class by the way and is proud of her laps - so was using the carrot there!).
She thought for a minute and said - "In school, why do I need to always race with my friends Mama?"
I had nothing much to say - as I needed to really think the answer through. I was silent for a long time. I did tell her it's okay if she didn't want to...
The part is that she simply doesn't believe in it...at 4 feet tall, she seems to be her own lord and master :-) A little firebrand that is ready to take on our system of competitions, of comparisons and all that goes with it... :-)
I on my part, have some thinking to do - on the best way to handle her strength and still be able to mold her into being a better fit in this society that runs on these values - good or bad, I don't know. But a reality....
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Is that Me or You?
In those moments
When I see you and nothing but you
I wonder
Is that Me or You
In those moments
When there is no right or wrong
And I seem to be swept up in a flood
I wonder
Is that Me or You
In those moments
When the entire world ceases to be
And I hear nothing but the words you speak
I wonder
Is that Me or You
In those moments
When I wish to give you so much
And I have nothing but love to offer
I wonder
Is that Me or You
In those moments
When I want to stop time
And when I try to hold on to that glimpse
I wonder
Is that Me or You
In those moments
When I'm overwhelmed with joy
When I'm engulfed with emotions that rock me
When from my very being want nothing but your side
It dawns on me that I don't need to
I realize that
You are really Me
I realize that
time and space are helpless
in taking You apart from Me
You really are Me...
When I see you and nothing but you
I wonder
Is that Me or You
In those moments
When there is no right or wrong
And I seem to be swept up in a flood
I wonder
Is that Me or You
In those moments
When the entire world ceases to be
And I hear nothing but the words you speak
I wonder
Is that Me or You
In those moments
When I wish to give you so much
And I have nothing but love to offer
I wonder
Is that Me or You
In those moments
When I want to stop time
And when I try to hold on to that glimpse
I wonder
Is that Me or You
In those moments
When I'm overwhelmed with joy
When I'm engulfed with emotions that rock me
When from my very being want nothing but your side
It dawns on me that I don't need to
I realize that
You are really Me
I realize that
time and space are helpless
in taking You apart from Me
You really are Me...
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Late by only Forty Two Years !
This evening, my parents are leaving to visit Bangalore (India and in Karnataka state)!
I'm happy. And why so happy? And what's special about this visit? Here's the story...
My dad worked in the Karnataka State Government as a Civil Engineer for a many number of years and also in a division of the army that had some connection with the Public Works Department and the Housing Board - it was called the Land Army!
So, for many many years he built dams and bridges his very significant work being that of saving the "Aikya Mantapa" in Koodala Sangama (Karnataka) near a small town called "Bagalkot".
We lived in this small town and enjoyed living a simple, quiet life for a few years.
He would commute in the early hours of dawn and come back very late in the night, covered in red dust! The soil in those regions is red soil. My mother would faithfully wait for him night after night and serve him a hot meal even at the wee hours of the morning at times.
Being a part of constructing the "TungaBhadra dam" across the river of "Thugabhadra" (and also the Moola Brindavana of the Madhwa saint Guru Raghavendra is located on banks of Tungabhadra at Mantralayam), the "Anagwadi dam" near Bagalkot,
the rescue by designing and constructing the Aikya Mantapa at Koodala Sangam (as there was risk of it being submerged), implementing pile foundations and exploring mud architecture for the hundreds of homes he has built across Karnataka, are some of the things he thinks are the highlights of his career as a civil engineer!
We are equally proud of him too!
With that background, I have to also mention that he used to travel to Bangalore every fortnight for various meetings and always by his car - to emphasize that no reservations were involved.He used to leave at about 4:00 PM in the afternoon from Gulbarga (another place we lived) and travel the night to Bangalore. He travelled from various places to Bangalore every 15 days, stayed in Bangalore for a month sometimes, knew the ins and out of the city. He would come back and tell us stories of what he did - like he loves going to the MTR Tiffin Room, staying at the West End Hotel, the movies he watched - like he had seen "ABBA The movie" on one of those trips.
He used to bring back gramophone records for us, dresses for me and sweets that I had never seen before.
This was done for many many years - and every single time my mother pleaded with him to take her along!
She so badly wanted to see the city of Bangalore. He never took her requests seriously enough. Even the driver used to ask him if he wanted to bring the family along, and my dad always gave him a deaf ear. When all he had to do was ask us/her to pack her bags and sit in the vehicle with him. It never happened. And now after about 42 years of their marriage, he has finally agreed to take her to Bangalore - that happens to be today! And this I also owe to my sister-at-heart! Not possible without her!
Now you see why I'm so excited :-)
To top it all and to make me a little guilty, even I had the opportunity to visit this city a few times. Went to Brigade road with friends, hung out in coffee shops and Archies Gallery in Jaya Nagar, stayed in Basaweshwar Nagar, visited people in Benson Town and did a million things - and believe me, I missed my mom during all those times!
So, today I called her and told her to go all those places, every one of them - sit on the steps of the Vidhana Soudha" (I have a picture from my school days sitting there) and take pictures for me! I'm waiting to see them :-)
I'm happy that she is finally doing what she has dreamt to do with my dad for 42 years! Never too late I guess...
She also has a dream of visiting the Udipi Krishna and Karwar, Mangalore areas.
One day I'll take her there too...
I'm happy. And why so happy? And what's special about this visit? Here's the story...
My dad worked in the Karnataka State Government as a Civil Engineer for a many number of years and also in a division of the army that had some connection with the Public Works Department and the Housing Board - it was called the Land Army!
So, for many many years he built dams and bridges his very significant work being that of saving the "Aikya Mantapa" in Koodala Sangama (Karnataka) near a small town called "Bagalkot".
We lived in this small town and enjoyed living a simple, quiet life for a few years.
He would commute in the early hours of dawn and come back very late in the night, covered in red dust! The soil in those regions is red soil. My mother would faithfully wait for him night after night and serve him a hot meal even at the wee hours of the morning at times.
Being a part of constructing the "TungaBhadra dam" across the river of "Thugabhadra" (and also the Moola Brindavana of the Madhwa saint Guru Raghavendra is located on banks of Tungabhadra at Mantralayam), the "Anagwadi dam" near Bagalkot,
the rescue by designing and constructing the Aikya Mantapa at Koodala Sangam (as there was risk of it being submerged), implementing pile foundations and exploring mud architecture for the hundreds of homes he has built across Karnataka, are some of the things he thinks are the highlights of his career as a civil engineer!
We are equally proud of him too!
With that background, I have to also mention that he used to travel to Bangalore every fortnight for various meetings and always by his car - to emphasize that no reservations were involved.He used to leave at about 4:00 PM in the afternoon from Gulbarga (another place we lived) and travel the night to Bangalore. He travelled from various places to Bangalore every 15 days, stayed in Bangalore for a month sometimes, knew the ins and out of the city. He would come back and tell us stories of what he did - like he loves going to the MTR Tiffin Room, staying at the West End Hotel, the movies he watched - like he had seen "ABBA The movie" on one of those trips.
He used to bring back gramophone records for us, dresses for me and sweets that I had never seen before.
This was done for many many years - and every single time my mother pleaded with him to take her along!
She so badly wanted to see the city of Bangalore. He never took her requests seriously enough. Even the driver used to ask him if he wanted to bring the family along, and my dad always gave him a deaf ear. When all he had to do was ask us/her to pack her bags and sit in the vehicle with him. It never happened. And now after about 42 years of their marriage, he has finally agreed to take her to Bangalore - that happens to be today! And this I also owe to my sister-at-heart! Not possible without her!
Now you see why I'm so excited :-)
To top it all and to make me a little guilty, even I had the opportunity to visit this city a few times. Went to Brigade road with friends, hung out in coffee shops and Archies Gallery in Jaya Nagar, stayed in Basaweshwar Nagar, visited people in Benson Town and did a million things - and believe me, I missed my mom during all those times!
So, today I called her and told her to go all those places, every one of them - sit on the steps of the Vidhana Soudha" (I have a picture from my school days sitting there) and take pictures for me! I'm waiting to see them :-)
I'm happy that she is finally doing what she has dreamt to do with my dad for 42 years! Never too late I guess...
She also has a dream of visiting the Udipi Krishna and Karwar, Mangalore areas.
One day I'll take her there too...
Monday, May 25, 2009
The Anniversary
Sometimes it takes very cliched, very simple, very predictable reasons for two people to drift apart and lose each other forever. When you hear or read about them, you would think - all this for something so elementary? Not so easy - the suffering is colossal no matter what created it and is also unique to the people involved, that is if there was even an atom of honesty and truth ever involved.
Pause for those few seconds to think about the circumstances. You will see the pain and the reasons why they did what they did before you sum them up and write them off.
One such story...
Jaya looked out of the window at the mad swaying of the tall palm trees...the wind was howling and a dust storm was beginning to take form.
She watched nature unleash her fury as she sat by the window in the comfort of her cozy room.
"I envy mother nature. She empties all her feelings without any fear or pressure of hiding them" thought Jaya. The storm inside her threatened to swirl and break free as if to compete with the one outside.
But Jaya stayed composed - at least she seemed to for the outside world..and sipped her coffee. She always did that. The person who was forced to brave the ugly side of life over and over again with a put up face of strength. Circumstances didn't grant her luxury of crumbling down and breaking up in a million pieces like she would have wanted to.
It was exactly this day two years ago - she recalled that day as if it was now and today! She was wearing a red skirt and a white top with her hair lose. The sun was streaming into the room and there was the fragrance of the jasmines that wafted through. Today was the day when she had imagined that she had won the world over!
Ashish told her that she looked beautiful as ever! Just those words made her so happy - not because she cared about her looks, but because Ashish thought she looked beautiful! He made her feel like the prettiest woman ever! That was how much she valued him, his thoughts, his feelings and everything about him...
Ashish had also whispered to her that she was the best thing that had ever happened to him - and she had fallen into his arms at those very utterances. It wasn't the first time that she had heard them, but this was different. This was real. This was forever. She felt alive and consumed. This was what she had lived for - and there could never have been a better day. She with her Ashish...
A week from thereon was the morning she and Ashish would always dread to remember.
As they sat at the table, she had said to Ashish in a firm tone - a tone that reflected the last shred of courage within her being, one which she was afraid would break down if he challenged it even the slightest bit. She was desperately putting it on for him.
The words poured out - "Ashish, I don't think this marriage is going anywhere." She paused to absorb the sound of them and shuddered at how ugly they sounded. She continued; "It's all my fault. It's not you. You deserve someone better Ashish. And, I can't take this anger, tension and fights between us - day after day. I want to live too, in my own way. I want to go away from your life...some place far away where you will not even see me ever. I want you to know that I will always love you"
Ashish was stunned. This was unreal for him. "Jaya, what are you even saying? What is wrong with out marriage? I think you are imagining these problems. These are common issues that happen between every man and wife. Please don't be in a haste and do something that both of us will regret". He pleaded. He wept. He was angry. He did everything he could to stop the unstoppable and his last attempt being "Jaya, no one does this to someone they care about. This is absurd". Nothing worked.
Jaya went ahead with all that she said was the fate of their relationship. She made her worst nightmares come true.She couldn't even imagine this could ever be true.But she did it to them and to herself.
And why? Because one phone call on that fateful evening had changed everything between them. Changed the very dimensions of their relationship.
Yes, two years ago - one evening of that fateful week. Ashish was on a call with his buddy from school days. He was catching up ...and she stood just outside the bedroom door that was left ajar. She didn't mean to overhear their conversation. It was bad manners. But, his sentences tied her down to the spot...Ashish was saying into the phone to his friend Sameer..."No, I have no plans for the long weekend"
"Yeah, you guys have to do so much running around with the kids" Sameer must have steered the conversation to that of the kids. The dreaded topic.
They had been trying to have a baby for sometime with no happy outcome. And both of them were fighting their own battles on that front. The infertility specialist Jaya had seen had told her that the chances of her carrying a baby were pretty remote given her issues. And every time she cried before Sameer about it, he joked and said that having one baby (her) was enough for him. He didn't seem to take it seriously enough. He joked and made it seem like it wasn't a big deal to be unable to have children.
The doctor's visit that morning hadn't gone well at all. There was no hope was the conclusion. She hadn't yet had a chance to talk to Ashish about this yet from that morning's doctor visit.
And then the phone conversation...
Ashish had continued into the phone - "Yeah Sameer, I know we have to have kids and everything. But you know, God isn't fair to everyone. He gives all these kids to the workers and beggars on the street who can't even feed those little ones and here there are people like Jaya and me who would do anything to have that little bundle in our hands. But no, fate has to play it's own cruel jokes...well, it kills me too when I see kids play in that park, and I want my own too...I have no choice Sameer. Jaya can't do it, and it's a reality for our marriage..."
Jaya then had shut the door softly and walked over to the patio with her cup of coffee in hand.
She was numbed - with what she had heard, about how much Sameer really wanted a baby and it killed her to know it this way. Why he hadn't opened up to her? Why? What was she to do? why was it a burden on her to solve everything between her and everyone else she dealt with - she wasn't imagining any of it. It always happened and was real.
That month, Jaya began getting treated for depression - taking those happy pills to make her mood better. Even a smile felt very difficult. Her world crumbled slowly and steadily around her...bit by bit...
Two months from that evening on, in the most unimaginale way, she had moved away from Ashish's life. Forever.
He was broken, he was sad, and devastated. He wondered what had gone wrong suddenly. And the only answer she gave him was that they were different people and had to choose their own paths before they ended up hating each other. Some deep rooted wounds rendered some relationships beyond repair. And he reminded her of her failure as a woman. She said her depression was getting worser because of the unhappiness in the house. And he thought this was an extreme step to take - to resolve fights that occurred in every household. She ignore his opinion with all she left in her.
But, he was helpless too. She was his world and he wanted her happy in the end.He felt he didn't have the strength to support her through her health issues, her depression and everything else...maybe it was just easier for them to go their ways he thought much against his own feelings about how he would have chosen for things to be.
In the days that followed, she turned herself into a rag doll - sleeping pills, happy pills and everything else came and went in a blurr.
She had convinced Ashish that he was better off without her in his life.
She was like this little girl who with her own hands broke her favorite doll into a million pieces and then sobbed at the sight...held those scattered pieces in her hands and cried with tears that ripped her heart open. who could she explain this to? how could she put in words why she had done it?
What could explain her misery night after night when she sobbed into her pillow. Who was there to wipe her tears? Who would sing silly songs to her, crack silly jokes and shout "I love you" in the car to her when it went through tunnels?
Was she a fool to have made a mess for herself? What or who could she explain to about how she felt? She talked to herself, sang to herself, did little things to make herself smile - she tried and tried very hard to build herself - atom by atom...one single painful step at a time.
She felt as though pain had patterns. It was crazy but she could visualize her pain in patterns. There were times she went back and had to start all over again. Why? Because she had to! Some people don't have choices.
Ashish had moved on. He had met Maya at a party, and had married her. They were now expecting their baby!
Did people miss each other in times of grief or of happiness? Which one deserved to be shared? what deserved the dignity and the honor given the bond that was and had been? who knows...maybe it varies with each individual.
She sat in the car outside the park this evening. She went there some days to make her feel sane - their happy, innocent laughter cured it all for her.
Then she saw them. Hand in hand - walking in the park. Ashish looked happy and so did Maya!
It is the feeling that someone is looking at you probably that did it , but at that instant Ashish looked her way. He stopped in his tracks and after a few moments that made time stand still, met her eyes and very slowly turned his head away. A face he had cherished, the sight he adored had been shunned by him. It was as if she were transparent...they walked on...
A few more minutes passed. Jaya started the engine and very slowly turned the car away from the park. As she looked in the rear view mirror and saw Ashish's smiling face in the distance, she knew in her heart that she had made the right decision.
She had hurt him because she loved him in her own way - would he ever understand that? She had done the right thing for him. Maybe one day, someday she thought...
She had reached the hospital and the nurse on duty walked her to her room. That was where Jaya stood and watched nature's dance of fury. She watched the storm brew on the outside, as she waited for the doctor to come check her and pump more medication into her, which would put her to sleep for a few hours - take her to a far away land. She would drift up, up and away on a cloud and enter into another life where she would be smiling, happy...
The television in the room was playing a song and she smiled watching it.
When words fail...she thought...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h64V31hD20M
Had these two years been real? or was she imagining them? She burst out laughing as tears rolled down ...
Pause for those few seconds to think about the circumstances. You will see the pain and the reasons why they did what they did before you sum them up and write them off.
One such story...
Jaya looked out of the window at the mad swaying of the tall palm trees...the wind was howling and a dust storm was beginning to take form.
She watched nature unleash her fury as she sat by the window in the comfort of her cozy room.
"I envy mother nature. She empties all her feelings without any fear or pressure of hiding them" thought Jaya. The storm inside her threatened to swirl and break free as if to compete with the one outside.
But Jaya stayed composed - at least she seemed to for the outside world..and sipped her coffee. She always did that. The person who was forced to brave the ugly side of life over and over again with a put up face of strength. Circumstances didn't grant her luxury of crumbling down and breaking up in a million pieces like she would have wanted to.
It was exactly this day two years ago - she recalled that day as if it was now and today! She was wearing a red skirt and a white top with her hair lose. The sun was streaming into the room and there was the fragrance of the jasmines that wafted through. Today was the day when she had imagined that she had won the world over!
Ashish told her that she looked beautiful as ever! Just those words made her so happy - not because she cared about her looks, but because Ashish thought she looked beautiful! He made her feel like the prettiest woman ever! That was how much she valued him, his thoughts, his feelings and everything about him...
Ashish had also whispered to her that she was the best thing that had ever happened to him - and she had fallen into his arms at those very utterances. It wasn't the first time that she had heard them, but this was different. This was real. This was forever. She felt alive and consumed. This was what she had lived for - and there could never have been a better day. She with her Ashish...
A week from thereon was the morning she and Ashish would always dread to remember.
As they sat at the table, she had said to Ashish in a firm tone - a tone that reflected the last shred of courage within her being, one which she was afraid would break down if he challenged it even the slightest bit. She was desperately putting it on for him.
The words poured out - "Ashish, I don't think this marriage is going anywhere." She paused to absorb the sound of them and shuddered at how ugly they sounded. She continued; "It's all my fault. It's not you. You deserve someone better Ashish. And, I can't take this anger, tension and fights between us - day after day. I want to live too, in my own way. I want to go away from your life...some place far away where you will not even see me ever. I want you to know that I will always love you"
Ashish was stunned. This was unreal for him. "Jaya, what are you even saying? What is wrong with out marriage? I think you are imagining these problems. These are common issues that happen between every man and wife. Please don't be in a haste and do something that both of us will regret". He pleaded. He wept. He was angry. He did everything he could to stop the unstoppable and his last attempt being "Jaya, no one does this to someone they care about. This is absurd". Nothing worked.
Jaya went ahead with all that she said was the fate of their relationship. She made her worst nightmares come true.She couldn't even imagine this could ever be true.But she did it to them and to herself.
And why? Because one phone call on that fateful evening had changed everything between them. Changed the very dimensions of their relationship.
Yes, two years ago - one evening of that fateful week. Ashish was on a call with his buddy from school days. He was catching up ...and she stood just outside the bedroom door that was left ajar. She didn't mean to overhear their conversation. It was bad manners. But, his sentences tied her down to the spot...Ashish was saying into the phone to his friend Sameer..."No, I have no plans for the long weekend"
"Yeah, you guys have to do so much running around with the kids" Sameer must have steered the conversation to that of the kids. The dreaded topic.
They had been trying to have a baby for sometime with no happy outcome. And both of them were fighting their own battles on that front. The infertility specialist Jaya had seen had told her that the chances of her carrying a baby were pretty remote given her issues. And every time she cried before Sameer about it, he joked and said that having one baby (her) was enough for him. He didn't seem to take it seriously enough. He joked and made it seem like it wasn't a big deal to be unable to have children.
The doctor's visit that morning hadn't gone well at all. There was no hope was the conclusion. She hadn't yet had a chance to talk to Ashish about this yet from that morning's doctor visit.
And then the phone conversation...
Ashish had continued into the phone - "Yeah Sameer, I know we have to have kids and everything. But you know, God isn't fair to everyone. He gives all these kids to the workers and beggars on the street who can't even feed those little ones and here there are people like Jaya and me who would do anything to have that little bundle in our hands. But no, fate has to play it's own cruel jokes...well, it kills me too when I see kids play in that park, and I want my own too...I have no choice Sameer. Jaya can't do it, and it's a reality for our marriage..."
Jaya then had shut the door softly and walked over to the patio with her cup of coffee in hand.
She was numbed - with what she had heard, about how much Sameer really wanted a baby and it killed her to know it this way. Why he hadn't opened up to her? Why? What was she to do? why was it a burden on her to solve everything between her and everyone else she dealt with - she wasn't imagining any of it. It always happened and was real.
That month, Jaya began getting treated for depression - taking those happy pills to make her mood better. Even a smile felt very difficult. Her world crumbled slowly and steadily around her...bit by bit...
Two months from that evening on, in the most unimaginale way, she had moved away from Ashish's life. Forever.
He was broken, he was sad, and devastated. He wondered what had gone wrong suddenly. And the only answer she gave him was that they were different people and had to choose their own paths before they ended up hating each other. Some deep rooted wounds rendered some relationships beyond repair. And he reminded her of her failure as a woman. She said her depression was getting worser because of the unhappiness in the house. And he thought this was an extreme step to take - to resolve fights that occurred in every household. She ignore his opinion with all she left in her.
But, he was helpless too. She was his world and he wanted her happy in the end.He felt he didn't have the strength to support her through her health issues, her depression and everything else...maybe it was just easier for them to go their ways he thought much against his own feelings about how he would have chosen for things to be.
In the days that followed, she turned herself into a rag doll - sleeping pills, happy pills and everything else came and went in a blurr.
She had convinced Ashish that he was better off without her in his life.
She was like this little girl who with her own hands broke her favorite doll into a million pieces and then sobbed at the sight...held those scattered pieces in her hands and cried with tears that ripped her heart open. who could she explain this to? how could she put in words why she had done it?
What could explain her misery night after night when she sobbed into her pillow. Who was there to wipe her tears? Who would sing silly songs to her, crack silly jokes and shout "I love you" in the car to her when it went through tunnels?
Was she a fool to have made a mess for herself? What or who could she explain to about how she felt? She talked to herself, sang to herself, did little things to make herself smile - she tried and tried very hard to build herself - atom by atom...one single painful step at a time.
She felt as though pain had patterns. It was crazy but she could visualize her pain in patterns. There were times she went back and had to start all over again. Why? Because she had to! Some people don't have choices.
Ashish had moved on. He had met Maya at a party, and had married her. They were now expecting their baby!
Did people miss each other in times of grief or of happiness? Which one deserved to be shared? what deserved the dignity and the honor given the bond that was and had been? who knows...maybe it varies with each individual.
She sat in the car outside the park this evening. She went there some days to make her feel sane - their happy, innocent laughter cured it all for her.
Then she saw them. Hand in hand - walking in the park. Ashish looked happy and so did Maya!
It is the feeling that someone is looking at you probably that did it , but at that instant Ashish looked her way. He stopped in his tracks and after a few moments that made time stand still, met her eyes and very slowly turned his head away. A face he had cherished, the sight he adored had been shunned by him. It was as if she were transparent...they walked on...
A few more minutes passed. Jaya started the engine and very slowly turned the car away from the park. As she looked in the rear view mirror and saw Ashish's smiling face in the distance, she knew in her heart that she had made the right decision.
She had hurt him because she loved him in her own way - would he ever understand that? She had done the right thing for him. Maybe one day, someday she thought...
She had reached the hospital and the nurse on duty walked her to her room. That was where Jaya stood and watched nature's dance of fury. She watched the storm brew on the outside, as she waited for the doctor to come check her and pump more medication into her, which would put her to sleep for a few hours - take her to a far away land. She would drift up, up and away on a cloud and enter into another life where she would be smiling, happy...
The television in the room was playing a song and she smiled watching it.
When words fail...she thought...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h64V31hD20M
Had these two years been real? or was she imagining them? She burst out laughing as tears rolled down ...
Friday, May 22, 2009
A Song for this weekend
Weekends come and go - lives go on. You are busy, they are busy, she is busy, he is busy - everyone is busy with their lives. But, I'm always here - sharing my songs, my feelings, my stories, my thoughts, my little triumphs, my defeats - my life, like an open book. All by myself, all for myself, all alone...in return for that silence!
No. Don't catch me on any other foot. This doesn't make me unhappy - infact, it makes me happy. I continue to be there, firmly grounded at that spot while all of you weave in and out of your lives.
I only wish for you to rest at this spot for a few seconds when life tires you out - I wish each one of peace, happiness and contentment in all that you do!
And I, on my part will enjoy this silence too - for this silence is the begin and end of all...
And here is my song for the weekend:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A7lHkA-IY0w&feature=related
No. Don't catch me on any other foot. This doesn't make me unhappy - infact, it makes me happy. I continue to be there, firmly grounded at that spot while all of you weave in and out of your lives.
I only wish for you to rest at this spot for a few seconds when life tires you out - I wish each one of peace, happiness and contentment in all that you do!
And I, on my part will enjoy this silence too - for this silence is the begin and end of all...
And here is my song for the weekend:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A7lHkA-IY0w&feature=related
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Interesting stuff on GMAT
Now that Harvard has opened the gates (per the last sentence in the article) the other B-schools are going to say the same!
So, what with all the hype with the GMAT?
http://www.businessweek.com/bschools/blogs/mba_admissions/archives/2009/05/no_gmat_no_prob.html
So, what with all the hype with the GMAT?
http://www.businessweek.com/bschools/blogs/mba_admissions/archives/2009/05/no_gmat_no_prob.html
Monday, May 18, 2009
The Bump
I have been taking some classes in the recent few weeks and noticed something over the weekend ! A bump on the finger of my right hand :-)
As a child and a student, I always had a big bump on the finger which came in contact with the pen/pencil. I'm sure you did too as a child/student - so did most of my friends :-) We used to compete who gets a bigger one too! Believe that?
I felt very nostalgic and funny to see it swell back up to it's original spot after all these years - I was thinking how old habits die hard - of holding the pen in the exact same way, of keeping it at the same angle :-)
It also brought to me the kind of student I was! How your studying patterns, the way you interpret what is taught to you is embedded deep within was something I noticed.
I have this weird way of spacing out sometimes in between a class - things that the lecturer says links to something else and I wander off for a bit! I did the same very thing even during my school days...and now after all this time!
Try it - when you go back to some rigorous studying or exam taking, you'll notice how you rely on your old techniques and learning patterns to assimilate the information given to you...it is probably very rare that you can change those very techniques totally.
Maybe you could modify or enhance them for an optimal result(s) but you usually base most of it on the old traits.
Yes? No? What?
Tell me when you get that bump on your thumb the next time...
As a child and a student, I always had a big bump on the finger which came in contact with the pen/pencil. I'm sure you did too as a child/student - so did most of my friends :-) We used to compete who gets a bigger one too! Believe that?
I felt very nostalgic and funny to see it swell back up to it's original spot after all these years - I was thinking how old habits die hard - of holding the pen in the exact same way, of keeping it at the same angle :-)
It also brought to me the kind of student I was! How your studying patterns, the way you interpret what is taught to you is embedded deep within was something I noticed.
I have this weird way of spacing out sometimes in between a class - things that the lecturer says links to something else and I wander off for a bit! I did the same very thing even during my school days...and now after all this time!
Try it - when you go back to some rigorous studying or exam taking, you'll notice how you rely on your old techniques and learning patterns to assimilate the information given to you...it is probably very rare that you can change those very techniques totally.
Maybe you could modify or enhance them for an optimal result(s) but you usually base most of it on the old traits.
Yes? No? What?
Tell me when you get that bump on your thumb the next time...
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Another Fav.
I happened to listen to this - another all standing favourite:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMuRRXCuy-4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMuRRXCuy-4
An Abhang
I have a big penchant for 'Abhangs' and have been introduced to them by my dad - who is equally crazy for them!
I want to do a small series on 'Abhangs' - and the first one I present is by the Maestro himself - Pt.Bhisen Joshi:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dbuAB40Gujk
Enjoy! I have quiet a few ones coming up!
I want to do a small series on 'Abhangs' - and the first one I present is by the Maestro himself - Pt.Bhisen Joshi:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dbuAB40Gujk
Enjoy! I have quiet a few ones coming up!
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Nudity
Yes - you read it right :-)
In the month of February, I went to Las Vegas with a bunch of friends to help celebrate a bachelorette party! It was a lot of fun - felt like I was living another life away from my own - devoid of all the stress and pain. It was great in a lot of ways and for those very reasons!
Among some of the group activities, we also went and watched a show that was kind of risque`.
Yes, we did see some men and women with almost close to being nude. And I sat there watching them strip or getting very close to it. Before I write any further, I have to say that I'm perfectly normal and the sight of an almost nude man has it's expected effects on me too.
But as I sat and watched this man (and those topless women too), the thought that came to me was - wow! it must take so much courage to be in that state of undress before such a huge crowd!
How do they see themselves doing this, what are they thinking right now, and what is the image they perceive of themselves were one train.
The other train of though that I carried home with me was - it would take so much humility to be able to do what they do...
We cover ourselves, our egos, and our inner selves with these beautiful clothes - eager to please us, them, they, me, myself - what not. Do we crave to make ourselves look better on the outside when we realize that we are getting the opposite inside? Maybe...I don't know.
I do think about one thing standing before the mirror every morning - why do I do this day after day? Why do I realy on my physical beauty to help boost my self-image? Maybe it is normal and needed - but, one day I want to be able to eliminate it - completely, totally!
There are so many religions in this world that teach this humility. Among all the values taught, this seems to be the most significant one.
Jainism happens to be one of them, where the saints are usually without clothes.I'm sure there are other religions too.
Why is it hard to be in that state before people? Because of the fear of being judged. Once you cross that barrier, for whatever reasons - the right ones or the wrong ones, nothing else maters. It could be because you are confident, you think you are beyond judgement or could simply be that you don't care!
I now have to tell you about this saint from the region of Karnataka in India. She was one of the greatest of her times - Akka MahaDevi.
She was in love with her deity 'Chenna Mallikarjuna' and wrote poetry describing the same and through those very verses, she conveyed to the common man the essence of this very life! In simple words that were easily understood. She roamed from place to place in search of her Lord and in a state of being clotheless - covered by herbs and plants.
Such was her single minded devotion.
Some of her famous 'Vachanas' were:
Mane Mane thappadanthe beduvanthe madayya
Bedidode annavanu ikkadanthe madayya
Ikkidode nelake biluvanthe madayya
Nelake biddode nanettikomba munna shuni ettikombanthe madayya
channamallikarjuna
I'm not a great translator, but the above very roughly talks about how she wants her ego to be crushed. She wants to be turned into a beggar, and go through all the hardships including that of falling to the ground.
Another one is:
beTTada mElondu maneya mADi mrugagaLiganjidoDentayya
samudrada taDiyalli maneya mADi nore teregaLiganjidoDentayya
santeya naDuve maneya mADi shabdakke nAchdoDentayya
chenna mallikArjuna dEva kELayya
Translated, it questions why we are afraid of everything - it questions if a person who has built his house on a hilltop be afraid of wild animals, can he be afraid of the waves when he has built his house on the sea shore, can he be afraid of the noise once he has built it amidst a village fair or a 'bazaar'...she basically questions the intent or the regret of re-visitng a decision once it has been made...
I cannot stop myself from quoting another saint from Karnataka - Lord Basavanna...he emptied the whole meaning of this life into those little verses. He poured out the nectar for a common man to consume - an act as simple as sipping water from one's palms - read one his poems:
"Vachanadalli nAmAmR^ita tumbi
nayanadalli nimma mUruti tumbi
manadalli nimma nenahu tumbi
kiviyalli nimma kIruti tumbi
kUDala saMgama devA
nimma charaNakamaladoLagAnu tumbi "
Meaning: The words spoken (by me) are full of ambrosia of (Your Holy) Name ! The eyes are enriched with the vision of Your Form. The mind is full of Your thoughts. The ears are filled with Your Glory..Oh Lord of kUDala saMgama, in Your Feet lotus, I am there as a bee !
This is love beyond any form or physical boundaries..
Such were some of the great saints and some of their virtues!
Nudity or the state of being clotheless happens to only hold a mirror to the real person in us...are you afraid to face that person? It is something only you can answer.
In the month of February, I went to Las Vegas with a bunch of friends to help celebrate a bachelorette party! It was a lot of fun - felt like I was living another life away from my own - devoid of all the stress and pain. It was great in a lot of ways and for those very reasons!
Among some of the group activities, we also went and watched a show that was kind of risque`.
Yes, we did see some men and women with almost close to being nude. And I sat there watching them strip or getting very close to it. Before I write any further, I have to say that I'm perfectly normal and the sight of an almost nude man has it's expected effects on me too.
But as I sat and watched this man (and those topless women too), the thought that came to me was - wow! it must take so much courage to be in that state of undress before such a huge crowd!
How do they see themselves doing this, what are they thinking right now, and what is the image they perceive of themselves were one train.
The other train of though that I carried home with me was - it would take so much humility to be able to do what they do...
We cover ourselves, our egos, and our inner selves with these beautiful clothes - eager to please us, them, they, me, myself - what not. Do we crave to make ourselves look better on the outside when we realize that we are getting the opposite inside? Maybe...I don't know.
I do think about one thing standing before the mirror every morning - why do I do this day after day? Why do I realy on my physical beauty to help boost my self-image? Maybe it is normal and needed - but, one day I want to be able to eliminate it - completely, totally!
There are so many religions in this world that teach this humility. Among all the values taught, this seems to be the most significant one.
Jainism happens to be one of them, where the saints are usually without clothes.I'm sure there are other religions too.
Why is it hard to be in that state before people? Because of the fear of being judged. Once you cross that barrier, for whatever reasons - the right ones or the wrong ones, nothing else maters. It could be because you are confident, you think you are beyond judgement or could simply be that you don't care!
I now have to tell you about this saint from the region of Karnataka in India. She was one of the greatest of her times - Akka MahaDevi.
She was in love with her deity 'Chenna Mallikarjuna' and wrote poetry describing the same and through those very verses, she conveyed to the common man the essence of this very life! In simple words that were easily understood. She roamed from place to place in search of her Lord and in a state of being clotheless - covered by herbs and plants.
Such was her single minded devotion.
Some of her famous 'Vachanas' were:
Mane Mane thappadanthe beduvanthe madayya
Bedidode annavanu ikkadanthe madayya
Ikkidode nelake biluvanthe madayya
Nelake biddode nanettikomba munna shuni ettikombanthe madayya
channamallikarjuna
I'm not a great translator, but the above very roughly talks about how she wants her ego to be crushed. She wants to be turned into a beggar, and go through all the hardships including that of falling to the ground.
Another one is:
beTTada mElondu maneya mADi mrugagaLiganjidoDentayya
samudrada taDiyalli maneya mADi nore teregaLiganjidoDentayya
santeya naDuve maneya mADi shabdakke nAchdoDentayya
chenna mallikArjuna dEva kELayya
Translated, it questions why we are afraid of everything - it questions if a person who has built his house on a hilltop be afraid of wild animals, can he be afraid of the waves when he has built his house on the sea shore, can he be afraid of the noise once he has built it amidst a village fair or a 'bazaar'...she basically questions the intent or the regret of re-visitng a decision once it has been made...
I cannot stop myself from quoting another saint from Karnataka - Lord Basavanna...he emptied the whole meaning of this life into those little verses. He poured out the nectar for a common man to consume - an act as simple as sipping water from one's palms - read one his poems:
"Vachanadalli nAmAmR^ita tumbi
nayanadalli nimma mUruti tumbi
manadalli nimma nenahu tumbi
kiviyalli nimma kIruti tumbi
kUDala saMgama devA
nimma charaNakamaladoLagAnu tumbi "
Meaning: The words spoken (by me) are full of ambrosia of (Your Holy) Name ! The eyes are enriched with the vision of Your Form. The mind is full of Your thoughts. The ears are filled with Your Glory..Oh Lord of kUDala saMgama, in Your Feet lotus, I am there as a bee !
This is love beyond any form or physical boundaries..
Such were some of the great saints and some of their virtues!
Nudity or the state of being clotheless happens to only hold a mirror to the real person in us...are you afraid to face that person? It is something only you can answer.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
The Law of Dimishing Returns
This law is explained here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diminishing_returns
On the lighter side of it, it struck a familiar chord :-) There are so many things around us that fall into this category (in a twisted philosophical way that is)!
Think about it - what in your life would you attribute to this?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diminishing_returns
On the lighter side of it, it struck a familiar chord :-) There are so many things around us that fall into this category (in a twisted philosophical way that is)!
Think about it - what in your life would you attribute to this?
Monday, May 11, 2009
Song for the day
Wanted to write a lot of things - but I'm numbed with emotions today. The song is the best I have to offer for this day...
This song has always touched my heart and continues to - sharing this with you my reader:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhB92yZ-jLo
This song has always touched my heart and continues to - sharing this with you my reader:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhB92yZ-jLo
Saturday, May 9, 2009
On Mother's Day
Did you read my Friday's (05/08) post yet? It had to be my post for this weekend..but, here I'am!
It's funny - I started blogging just for fun and now it is an extension of me. It is a place I turn to when I need to pour my heart out...
So, maybe you did after all expect me to write here on Mother's Day..or maybe not. It is like I said a place for me to hear my own thoughts, and when I read my older previous posts, I re-live those moments - I can exactly feel my own emotions coming back as I wrote those words. They always come straight from my heart - so there is nothing in between!
Before you read on, I want you to listen to this wonderful song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D3C4sFs9wcQ&feature=related
It is a song sung by a Dyslexic child when his mother leaves him in a hostel to set him straight and to discipline him in the movie "Taare Zameen Par".
I cry every time I listen to this song - it captures a very raw emotion - a something you would do when you are in extreme agony - how you would reach out to your mother...
I believe that there is a child in all of us - a child that comes out in the most un-guarded moments. Those of extreme joy and extreme pain...I, as a person have always have cried for my mother in moments where I though I would break down with the pain.
The weird part is that I can never really show those emotions to her in person - I turn into this very strong person who cannot shed tears. Maybe I don't want to hurt her by my tears? I don't know. That's me.
I sometimes really wonder if every form of love in this world somehow in a vague way, at a very very primary level boils down to being a motherly form of love?
Love of any form consists elements of nurturing (physical, emotional etc.), taking care, being worried, being happy for the other person(s) in that context, and whatever other acts there maybe.
The gender may not even come into play here - at a very very lower level maybe that's what it is....I don't know. It is a weird concept, but, I do wonder about this idea quiet often.
It is on this occasion that I want to say kudos to all those wonderful moms who relentlessly shower their love on their children - in whatever way they can.
A someone who never, ever wishes her child any harm ever. Always is so proud and happy to see her child happy - a someone who would swallow her pain, who will bear anything that you throw her way - insults, harsh words, separation, and whatever else that may have or continues to tear her apart...
For once, tell her that you care for her too...that's all she lives to hear from you...
She waits for you to smile, to tell her that you are happy. That's all that matters!
Always know that she wants you to go conquer the world, succeed like there is no tomorrow. Paint the world's canvas in a million colors - colors of your success! She wants to know that you did it! That's when her eyes will fill up with tears again...but, this time they will be tears of joy...for you...her baby ...always!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8GBx8NHW5Bw
It's funny - I started blogging just for fun and now it is an extension of me. It is a place I turn to when I need to pour my heart out...
So, maybe you did after all expect me to write here on Mother's Day..or maybe not. It is like I said a place for me to hear my own thoughts, and when I read my older previous posts, I re-live those moments - I can exactly feel my own emotions coming back as I wrote those words. They always come straight from my heart - so there is nothing in between!
Before you read on, I want you to listen to this wonderful song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D3C4sFs9wcQ&feature=related
It is a song sung by a Dyslexic child when his mother leaves him in a hostel to set him straight and to discipline him in the movie "Taare Zameen Par".
I cry every time I listen to this song - it captures a very raw emotion - a something you would do when you are in extreme agony - how you would reach out to your mother...
I believe that there is a child in all of us - a child that comes out in the most un-guarded moments. Those of extreme joy and extreme pain...I, as a person have always have cried for my mother in moments where I though I would break down with the pain.
The weird part is that I can never really show those emotions to her in person - I turn into this very strong person who cannot shed tears. Maybe I don't want to hurt her by my tears? I don't know. That's me.
I sometimes really wonder if every form of love in this world somehow in a vague way, at a very very primary level boils down to being a motherly form of love?
Love of any form consists elements of nurturing (physical, emotional etc.), taking care, being worried, being happy for the other person(s) in that context, and whatever other acts there maybe.
The gender may not even come into play here - at a very very lower level maybe that's what it is....I don't know. It is a weird concept, but, I do wonder about this idea quiet often.
It is on this occasion that I want to say kudos to all those wonderful moms who relentlessly shower their love on their children - in whatever way they can.
A someone who never, ever wishes her child any harm ever. Always is so proud and happy to see her child happy - a someone who would swallow her pain, who will bear anything that you throw her way - insults, harsh words, separation, and whatever else that may have or continues to tear her apart...
For once, tell her that you care for her too...that's all she lives to hear from you...
She waits for you to smile, to tell her that you are happy. That's all that matters!
Always know that she wants you to go conquer the world, succeed like there is no tomorrow. Paint the world's canvas in a million colors - colors of your success! She wants to know that you did it! That's when her eyes will fill up with tears again...but, this time they will be tears of joy...for you...her baby ...always!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8GBx8NHW5Bw
Friday, May 8, 2009
The Friday Sentiment
Ninna putta putta kaalige
putta gejje haaki
kayalli etthi muddu madidaga
manasalli ukki baro aa preetina
yava mathalli helali
nanna kanda?
That was something I could best express in Kannada - a language I associate with my emotions sometimes...
The feeling of seeing the little one dance around the house in those anklets brought to me a song I had long forgotten this morning...rendered so beautifully in Pt.Bhimsen Joshi's voice.
The wordings are amazing...I get lost in lines where he sings "Gejje kalgala Dhvaniya thorutha hejjeya mele hejjeya nittutha...."
and he praises her as "venkataramanana bhinkada rani..." Enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LqypyI0u390
putta gejje haaki
kayalli etthi muddu madidaga
manasalli ukki baro aa preetina
yava mathalli helali
nanna kanda?
That was something I could best express in Kannada - a language I associate with my emotions sometimes...
The feeling of seeing the little one dance around the house in those anklets brought to me a song I had long forgotten this morning...rendered so beautifully in Pt.Bhimsen Joshi's voice.
The wordings are amazing...I get lost in lines where he sings "Gejje kalgala Dhvaniya thorutha hejjeya mele hejjeya nittutha...."
and he praises her as "venkataramanana bhinkada rani..." Enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LqypyI0u390
Thursday, May 7, 2009
My Favourite Song!
This does wonders to me...sharing this with you my dear reader!
"Pibare RamaRasam" by Dr.BalaMurali Krishna:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tvg8rxGdQx4
"Pibare RamaRasam" by Dr.BalaMurali Krishna:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tvg8rxGdQx4
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Silly Riddles :-)
What time is it when you have to go the dentist?
Tooth Hurty!
Who likes to drink cocoa?
A Cocoanut!
What did one eye say to the other eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
Who is the greatest underwater spy?
James POND!
What sickness does a martial artist have?
Kung FLU!
What happens if you take a one hundred foot dive into a glass of gingerale?
Nothing! It's a SOFT drink!
What kind of a storm is always in a rush?
A Hurry Cain!
Why are there gates around graveyards?
Because everybody is DYING to get in!
How did the telephone propose to the lady?
It gave her a ring!
Tooth Hurty!
Who likes to drink cocoa?
A Cocoanut!
What did one eye say to the other eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
Who is the greatest underwater spy?
James POND!
What sickness does a martial artist have?
Kung FLU!
What happens if you take a one hundred foot dive into a glass of gingerale?
Nothing! It's a SOFT drink!
What kind of a storm is always in a rush?
A Hurry Cain!
Why are there gates around graveyards?
Because everybody is DYING to get in!
How did the telephone propose to the lady?
It gave her a ring!
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Relationships
I recently met someone for lunch, and as a matter of conversation this person tells me that her husband doesn't talk to his mother!
I said since when? And she says since our marriage. And why? Because his mother was against the marriage.
And I asked her - so both of them just gave up talking for the last six years? She said that was correct.
Wow! great mother and son I thought!
Another friend of mine doesn't talk to her high school buddy because she hurt her in some way. A co-worker gave up speaking with a cousin because they had a fight. Another friend, another neighbor, another cousin....there are countless cases. You may know someone too.
For me not to speak with someone is a big deal. Even if it is my sworn enemy. It is unthinkable and unimaginable. Why? Because, I have lost people in my life - people who were precious. For me that is the defining truth, which we shouldn't cross unless the forces of nature grab them away and we humans watch helplessly thus remaining our mortal selves.
The rest I feel is in our hands. There is no problem that cannot be solved by handling people, their attitude, and their ego in the right way. Period.
And I also believe that once a relationship has been shared between two individuals it simply cannot be destroyed. What kind of a relationship it was usually does not matter. It's occurrence is all that makes it's existence an event or history. It has been and will continue to be in another space as the people involved at that moment in time lose control over it. Don't get busy trying to define that relationship - there is simply no need to.
This relationship has been, will be, and which is now a reality that simply continues to live in another dimension.
So, don't give up - one small life is not enough to miss out on all of these beautiful relationships no matter what they are. The good ones are desired but, the bad ones are good too. Because they exist and are as real as the good ones. It is only a perspective that they are good or bad. Nothing beyond that frame of definition.
These relationships - they are so easy to lose but take a lifetime to build and re-build.
The lyrics of the Hindi song below echo this sentiment - it talks about how you can break ties but cannot destroy relationships (Haath Chuta bhi To Rishte Nahin Chhuta Karte):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfveoxmvzf8&feature=related
I said since when? And she says since our marriage. And why? Because his mother was against the marriage.
And I asked her - so both of them just gave up talking for the last six years? She said that was correct.
Wow! great mother and son I thought!
Another friend of mine doesn't talk to her high school buddy because she hurt her in some way. A co-worker gave up speaking with a cousin because they had a fight. Another friend, another neighbor, another cousin....there are countless cases. You may know someone too.
For me not to speak with someone is a big deal. Even if it is my sworn enemy. It is unthinkable and unimaginable. Why? Because, I have lost people in my life - people who were precious. For me that is the defining truth, which we shouldn't cross unless the forces of nature grab them away and we humans watch helplessly thus remaining our mortal selves.
The rest I feel is in our hands. There is no problem that cannot be solved by handling people, their attitude, and their ego in the right way. Period.
And I also believe that once a relationship has been shared between two individuals it simply cannot be destroyed. What kind of a relationship it was usually does not matter. It's occurrence is all that makes it's existence an event or history. It has been and will continue to be in another space as the people involved at that moment in time lose control over it. Don't get busy trying to define that relationship - there is simply no need to.
This relationship has been, will be, and which is now a reality that simply continues to live in another dimension.
So, don't give up - one small life is not enough to miss out on all of these beautiful relationships no matter what they are. The good ones are desired but, the bad ones are good too. Because they exist and are as real as the good ones. It is only a perspective that they are good or bad. Nothing beyond that frame of definition.
These relationships - they are so easy to lose but take a lifetime to build and re-build.
The lyrics of the Hindi song below echo this sentiment - it talks about how you can break ties but cannot destroy relationships (Haath Chuta bhi To Rishte Nahin Chhuta Karte):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfveoxmvzf8&feature=related
Sunday, May 3, 2009
The Simplest Pleasures!
Over this weekend - which by the way was so very hectic, I found out something. About me, about that little something we all ignore...
The Yoga classes that take up half of each of my Saturday and Sunday, a dance performance, the cooking, doing things with my daughter not add my own studies to finish up, usually leave me pretty exhausted every single weekend - I still do it for a lot of reasons :-)
This weekend was about the same, but there was a difference which has left me smiling!
Let me start with introducing you to this girl in my yoga class, who is usually the last one in the row, rarely speaks up, no questions to ask and usually the non-existent student. I happened to get a spot next to her yesterday, and we partner to do some 'Asanas' during the practice sessions.
I was struggling with a particular 'Asana' that gets your body twisted at all the joints in the body and to top it all in a standing posture :-) I was pretty excited and at the same time was making a lot of hoopla about how I couldn't get it etc. etc. Then this girl, who happened to be my partner said she would help me. At the end of two minutes she gently yet so firmly guided me with ease to the final posture of the 'Asana'.
I was impressed! The last person I thought who could be so firm, so sure of herself and yet so un-assuming....it set me thinking. People who play low usually have a lot to deliver too...and pack it with a punch! This was new awareness...
Later during the afternoon today, I had a dance performance at my little one's dance school. I was in-charge of all the tickets - selling, money, will-calls and also letting people into the show. So I sat at the entrance at around 3:00 PM in the afternoon along with a girl who was helping me.
This girl I shared the table with is a mom of one girl in middle school and a set of twins (a boy and a girl). As we sat there, she kept generally chatting up and said "You look so pretty - with the beautiful dress and everything" I said so why didn't you dress up? She simply said "I don't have any".
Very simply said but with a smile. I was suddenly embarrassed! As I talked with her, I realized how simply she lived her life. Not because she couldn't afford certain things, but because she didn't need them! She is the kind of person who camped in the woods every year with her kids for a whole week to enjoy nature, had given up her job to stay with her children though qualified, did small things to make her children happy.
People around us were swarming, busy running with the little ones dressed in the dance costumes. I sat there amidst them a part of the scene but not really a part. It was a strange I'm there and not there kind of a feeling....
And this afternoon, the breeze, the moment had made me so happy!
With this also came the thought - why am I like this? Why do such small things give me such pleasure? Isn't it fashionable and smarter to be more complicated? I don't know - but maybe this is the real me...or maybe not. Who knows.
I thought to myself that we have so much noise within us that we don't have the bandwidth to notice all these wonderful people around us - be aware of these little details..
It's funny - sitting there in the warm, cloudy afternoon with the slight cool air blowing the curls on my face, I realized something! I found something that was so very critical!
The truth that the greatest treasures are hidden in the simplest pleasures!
Holding your child, a glass of cool water, soothing music, a call, a smile, a gesture, a picture, a thought, a simple sentence you tell people who care for you - you miss them, you love them, whatever small something maybe is all that it takes to change lives - forever! That of yours and of the people around you...
So, indulge in those small little pleasures - be aware - they are yours to enjoy!
The Yoga classes that take up half of each of my Saturday and Sunday, a dance performance, the cooking, doing things with my daughter not add my own studies to finish up, usually leave me pretty exhausted every single weekend - I still do it for a lot of reasons :-)
This weekend was about the same, but there was a difference which has left me smiling!
Let me start with introducing you to this girl in my yoga class, who is usually the last one in the row, rarely speaks up, no questions to ask and usually the non-existent student. I happened to get a spot next to her yesterday, and we partner to do some 'Asanas' during the practice sessions.
I was struggling with a particular 'Asana' that gets your body twisted at all the joints in the body and to top it all in a standing posture :-) I was pretty excited and at the same time was making a lot of hoopla about how I couldn't get it etc. etc. Then this girl, who happened to be my partner said she would help me. At the end of two minutes she gently yet so firmly guided me with ease to the final posture of the 'Asana'.
I was impressed! The last person I thought who could be so firm, so sure of herself and yet so un-assuming....it set me thinking. People who play low usually have a lot to deliver too...and pack it with a punch! This was new awareness...
Later during the afternoon today, I had a dance performance at my little one's dance school. I was in-charge of all the tickets - selling, money, will-calls and also letting people into the show. So I sat at the entrance at around 3:00 PM in the afternoon along with a girl who was helping me.
This girl I shared the table with is a mom of one girl in middle school and a set of twins (a boy and a girl). As we sat there, she kept generally chatting up and said "You look so pretty - with the beautiful dress and everything" I said so why didn't you dress up? She simply said "I don't have any".
Very simply said but with a smile. I was suddenly embarrassed! As I talked with her, I realized how simply she lived her life. Not because she couldn't afford certain things, but because she didn't need them! She is the kind of person who camped in the woods every year with her kids for a whole week to enjoy nature, had given up her job to stay with her children though qualified, did small things to make her children happy.
People around us were swarming, busy running with the little ones dressed in the dance costumes. I sat there amidst them a part of the scene but not really a part. It was a strange I'm there and not there kind of a feeling....
And this afternoon, the breeze, the moment had made me so happy!
With this also came the thought - why am I like this? Why do such small things give me such pleasure? Isn't it fashionable and smarter to be more complicated? I don't know - but maybe this is the real me...or maybe not. Who knows.
I thought to myself that we have so much noise within us that we don't have the bandwidth to notice all these wonderful people around us - be aware of these little details..
It's funny - sitting there in the warm, cloudy afternoon with the slight cool air blowing the curls on my face, I realized something! I found something that was so very critical!
The truth that the greatest treasures are hidden in the simplest pleasures!
Holding your child, a glass of cool water, soothing music, a call, a smile, a gesture, a picture, a thought, a simple sentence you tell people who care for you - you miss them, you love them, whatever small something maybe is all that it takes to change lives - forever! That of yours and of the people around you...
So, indulge in those small little pleasures - be aware - they are yours to enjoy!
Friday, May 1, 2009
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