The Lost Time

Amit quickly ran up the stairs and shut the door behind him. He stood there panting, trying to catch his breath and trying to focus on things around him in the room. After a few seconds, he ran to the window that overlooked the street and took a peek. He could only catch a glimpse of Mr.Roy's back. The old man was slowly fading away from sight, walking at a very slow pace, with what seemed like a limp in his left leg.

Waves of mixed emotions engulfed Amit - he just stood there shaking. Anger, hatred, sorrow, helplessness, love and loneliness swept him up in their powerful grasp. He simply let himself be taken over.

He had bumped into Mr.Roy after a long long time. Hadn't seen him or even had as much as a glimpse of him for over two decades now. He had been their neighbor for several years at the time Amit was growing up. A very helpful family - Mrs & Mr.Roy. As Amit crossed the street a little while ago, Mr.Roy had come straight into his face. The older man squinted for a minute against the sunlight and tried to place the face that he had seen long ago, which wore a very mature look now. After a minute, he said "Amit, is that you? Where have you been?" His voice choked with emotion.

Amit on his part simply nodded, turned on his heel and ran up the stairs to his house across the street, as if he had seen a ghost from the past.

As he now stood next to the window, Amit remembered that rainy night very clearly from many many years ago. The night that changed his life - forever. He must have been 9 years old at the time. It had been pouring down for almost 3 days. He had just eaten dinner and was lying down with his mother while she was humming some of his favorite songs for him. There was a soft glow in the room, and his mom's voice floated strong and steady. Amit drifted away - into a state that was in between sleep and being awake. She looked so beautiful to him - his precious mother. He was almost afraid to touch her! For Amit, his mother represented everything that was strong, beautiful, soft, tender, and so full of love, all at the same time. Her very name 'Arpita' was music to his ears. He simply adored her.

Few minutes into sleep, and he was jolted awake by the shrill ringing of the telephone - his mother ran to pick it up. She was silently hearing to the person on the phone speak. Her face began to change colors. She simply stood there sobbing into the phone for a few minutes. She did not say much, put the receiver down, switched on the lights and sat at her reading desk, with her head bent low. He came and asked her what had happened. She simply said - "nothing, it was your papa on the phone". Tears flowed down her cheeks. Amit stood there, helpless; wanting to protect her from all that happened in the last 10 minutes. Their world had changed upside down for some vague reason!

Mrs.Roy their neighbor had seen the lights on and had come to ask if everything was okay. At that point Arpita broke down and explained that Amit's papa had called from another city and had said he was busy with his work and would not return for a few weeks. Everyone knew that he was using work to get away from home, from Arpita and their marriage. Arpita was not stunned, but hadn't expected this either. He was getting bolder about making no bones about their non-existent relationship. Mrs.Roy stayed through the night and kept talking and consoling Arpita.

The next night, Amit lay in his bedroom. They had had a terrible day - his mother had refused to touch food or water. For her, all that she had avoided confronting when it came to her marriage, had turned to black and white - the writing was on the wall. She had to do something now.

He could see the window next to the dining room where his mother now stood gazing at the moonlight spread on the lawn outside. Mrs and Mr.Roy had come over and had eaten dinner with them, to help keep their spirits up. Mrs.Roy was tired and had gone home early to go to bed, since she had stayed up the previous night. Mr.Roy stayed back and now stood next to Arpita. He could see his mother sob. She was a mess since last night. The next instant he saw Mr.Roy hold his mother in his arms and wipe her tears away - gently. They stood there glued together for what seemed like an eternity.

Amit was stunned. He sat up and stared. The act seemed so innocent, yet there was something about it that he hated. It was so spontaneous - one that any human would do for the other in times of need, yet there was a gentleness to it that said a million things. He did not understand what it was, but he hated it! The very sight and occurrence of it!

He got up and was standing at the doorway to his room.Mr.Roy suddenly saw him through the corner of his eye. He quickly let go of Arpita. There was an awkwardness that was palpable. What would happen next?. Instead, Mr.Roy cleared his throat ; simply said - "Good night Arpita - good night Amit. Take care of yourselves", and left.

Amit went to his room and lay down. His mother of all the people in the world? What had happened to life as he knew it a day ago? Everything seemed to go wrong. His mother slowly came to his room - and sat at the edge of his bed. She touched his head and was about to run her fingers through his hair - as if nothing had happened?. He had always loved it when she did that. But now, Amit just pushed her away and turned to the other side. She tried to turn him to her side, but his push again was packed with all that he currently felt. "Go away - leave" he said between clenched teeth. She left.

When Amit thought back, Mr.Roy had always been a part of every scene in their family - his school, his cricket matches, his swimming, in his absent father's place. Always with them, doing something together. He had always enjoyed his company, up until now.

For the next few days Amit hardly saw her face much less said anything to her at all. Arpita had lost a few pounds and looked like a reflection of herself. Unrecognizable.

Amit stayed away. He felt betrayed. He felt she had stooped low. Fallen in his eyes. She was an epitome of dignity for him, and she turned out to be very common. Just like anyone you would meet any common place. His mother, whom he thought was an embodiment of strength, purity and selflessness had turned out to be so predictable, so weak and so selfish.

On one particular night that winter, Amit lay burning with a high fever. His body ached and he felt the chills rake his body. Arpita sat down next to him and tried to sponge him with some water. Amit felt nauseated. He simply pushed her away. Earlier, all he wanted was his mother when he was sick. He just wanted to cuddle up to her and take care of him. Something had broken inside him now. He blamed her for pushing his father away from their nest - she was in some way responsible for him not to have a father figure. He attributed it to her behavior - what he did not know was what had come first. Her behavior or his father's distancing from the family...The fever kept rising...he didn't care.

Arpita was deeply hurt by his resentment, and all that she could do was sob and pray things would change.

She had lost a husband and a son the same night. What woman would be doomed to such fate she thought...

Years rolled by. Amit completed his under graduate degree from a reputed Institute, and got a job offer overseas. Their relation had not improved in warmth, but they were now talking on day to day things. After all, they lived under the same roof - life had to go on. Arpita tried very hard, but was met with equal and stronger resentment every time. She kept trying, praying and waiting...

It was awkward breaking the news to his mother. But as he sat silently eating his dinner, he pushed the offer letter in front of her. She read it and said "So, are you going?". He said "Yes, by the end of this month". This moment under normal circumstances would have been so different. They would be happy and at the same time so upset to be torn away from each other. But now...

The day he was leaving, Arpita was unwell and had a bad migraine. He stood by her bed and in one mad moment wanted to hold her, tell her he would miss her, ask her why she had ruined it all for him, tell her he still loved her. But, he did none of that. He told her he was leaving, and that she could reach him at a telephone number he had written down in the diary next to the phone.And he left.

Months turned to years, and he still felt raw inside when he thought about his mother. He hated her, he loved her, and she was still a part of him. But, he never understood how to deal with the pain he felt. The bile rose in his throat every single time the incident came in front of his eyes. He could never forgive her.

One summer day that year, he received a call from one of his relatives that his mother was in the hospital. Before he could even react, the same relative called a day later to say she was no more. Everything was over - quietly.

Amit went back to his country and his house to wrap up things, and this morning had bumped into Mr.Roy after all these years...

He stood staring out of the window at the moonlight on the lawn - standing all by himself in a dark room. Amit stood there for hours and tried to find a closure.. maybe what she had done or not done was after all human, why had he gone to these lengths to punish her? And punish her for a lifetime? Did he in the end punish himself? It was really not her problem that he idolized her - all she wanted from him was to be loved!

Silently as tears coursed down his cheeks, he thought I should have probably at least once told her that I still loved her, held her hand and asked her to forgive me for all the times I did not stand by her, in times when she needed my shoulder to cry upon....but, what use was it now?