Of Strengths and Weaknesses

Did you ever encounter a situation when the reality of one of your strengths turning into your weakness, hit you?
That said, even the reverse holds true in some cases - that of one of your weakness turning to a strength.

Things, people or even relationships that you always pride are your very core strength could potentially turn into the dreaded noose around your neck. If we stepped back and thought about it - what is it that turns them from one to the other, the answer is fairly simple. Expectations!

The minute this element enters any effort, process or a relationship, the end or failure of the same, begins to appear on the horizon. But, is it possible for us humans to alleviate much less remove ourselves from this overriding factor? It is definitely easier said than done. This very factor may also present itself as a motivator, based on previous history of success, in some cases.

Think about it - but is Freedom - freedom in all our interactions, or relations, in all that we say or do- really the opposite of Expectations of all sorts?. Maybe in some vague sense, Yes. But, Freedom, comes with it's own baggage - so the Mantra that works here maybe Moderation - moderation of even the best things in Life!

To quote from Jiddu Krishnamurthy's writings:

Freedom is not a reaction; freedom is not a choice. It is man's pretence that because he has choice he is free. Freedom is pure observation without direction, without fear of punishment and reward. Freedom is without motive; freedom is not at the end of the evolution of man but lies in the first step of his existence. In observation one begins to discover the lack of freedom. Freedom is found in the choiceless awareness of our daily existence and activity.

True North

Click! Anu slowly put the phone down. It was all over...looking out at the distant hills out of the window, Anu let the sob escape her...

Raj and Anu had begun their life together 20 years ago, on a bright summer day. The world seemed to belong to them that day! Their lips could not do justice to the happiness they felt in their hearts, their eyes could not capture the love they shared.


"Anu, where is my phone" - Raj was frantically searching for his wallet and his cell phone. "Clumsy as usual" - thought Anu. When will this mamma’s boy grow up, and what would he do without me:). She found both the things buried in the folds of their leather couch, and put it in her hubby's pocket. Raj was out of the door before she could bat an eyelid - late for a meeting as usual!

The first anniversary meant a lot to both of them! Raj ensured he got her the right color of roses. He even remembered to buy her a book from her favorite author. Anu was simply thrilled.

"Anu, where is my laptop now?"- Raj was irritated. The house never looked the same anymore. Anu had begun to work, and did not have much time to make a museum of it like she always had done before.

"Anu, wake up - quick". She was startled. Raj was shaking her to wake her up. She glanced at the clock. It was 2 AM in the morning. "What happened Raj?" . He sheepishly grinned "Nothing Anu, I just had to talk to you - I have so much going on. How about we chat with a cup of coffee on the patio?". At 2 AM ?. Then she grinned - he is such a baby, she thought.

An unplanned vacation, a stolen day off from work, a quick lunch together - they managed to spend their life as much as they could together. Even did laundry together. Had to be together you see :)

"Anu, where is my suitcase. I need to fly out in the next 4 hours to the company head quarters in Singapore". A trip? on the fly? oh well, she knew Raj. Everything was so spontaneous. The next two days flew by with no news from him. Then a call from the airport - "Anu, I'am coming back. There has been a change in plan". She quickly cancelled her plans to eat dinner with a friend. Wanted to be home when he came back, tired from a trip. Her friend was mad, but she couldn't do much.

Years rolled by, Raj was one of the few important people in his company now. Birthdays and anniversaries came by and went, but there was never time to celebrate them anymore. Flowers and mid-night coffee chats had been long forgotten.

"Anu, where is my.... forget it , I found it myself". Raj stormed out of the house. Late for a meeting as usual. "Raj, I need to talk to you...". He was gone. They had to talk about selling one of their houses in their hometown, and it was an important decision to make. She couldn't do it alone. Later that afternoon, she called him at work. She suddenly remembered something about one of his relatives, and the way he said hello into the phone, and just to pull Raj's leg, she said it into the phone, and began to laugh. "Anu, I'am busy - tell me quickly - else we could talk later. I do not have time for silly jokes..." The phone went mute. She felt something rip through her. What had all this come to? What was more important in our lives than to share a laugh together?

They also had the battle of infertility to fight together. They had been trying to have a baby for over six years now, and it had turned into her struggle somewhere along the way. The disappointments, the reports, the tests - it was depressing.

That week, she went to their hometown. The beautiful little house amidst the mountains worked their magic on Anu. Two days of taking walks all by herself, listening to the sounds of nature, did it! She felt the calm, and just standing by the monolithic rock by the winding path, she made her decision.

Raj picked up the phone and barked into the receiver "Yes Anu, where on the face of the earth are you? who is going to take care of all these bills, and the house if you go away on your vacation? I don't have the time - I have better things to do" . The world will stop without me - Anu silently added to his sentence inside her mind. All she said into the phone was "Raj, I'am not coming back- ever". There was silence. Absolute pin drop silence. "What? you are kidding right?". She just said "No"

She had done it. Simple and straight. There had been no arguments, no fights, no nothing nasty ever. And, everything they had painfully built together, was over - just like that, in a minute! vanished into thin air! They had nothing to share anymore.

The coffee brewed, and the aroma of it wafted through the house and into the little garden behind the house. She poured herself some, and sat by the staircase. Tried to force herself to drink a sip. No, couldn't. Raj loved coffee. She couldn't get herself to drink even a sip of it in the last month. Since the day they had their little phone conversation.

Every little thing went back to Raj somehow. The walks, the coffee, the food, the TV, the books, the rainbows in the mountains, the rain - everything simply reminded her of him.It was simply unbearable.

If he had meant so much to her, why could she have not compromised a little more? why had she wanted her freedom? To do what? Is it that something or someone just grows on you and finally becomes a part of you and your life unknowingly?

It was funny, she thought. You fight through all the odds till you get what you believed would be the solution for all of your problems, and then once you get it, turn around and again fight till you get rid of it. Will we humans be ever happy? Always running behind something we don't have...

"Anu, where is my coffee.." Raj was stunned by the silence that echoed.He was so used to having Anu mother him, take care of him and anticipate his every need. It had all seemed so unimportant at that time. All that had mattered were the profits of his cost center, his company - the charts and graphs.The food, the home she kept, the very things he so took for granted were all long gone.She had silently stood by him, at all times. And now had as silently retreated away, taking away his world with her. He slumped into the sofa, and thought "What had gone wrong?" The smiles, the laughter, everything - sacrificed for what?

The sunset was amazingly beautiful! Anu stood there watching it for a long long time. Everything in nature seemed to be so calm, so contained and so uninterruptible. Sunsets were especially beautiful when you shared it with someone you cared, she sighed. In a mad moment, she wished Raj was here - right next to her. What was wrong with her, she was the one who ran away from him, their life together. And now this? Maybe she had carried things too far, and expected too much from him? But again, was it wrong to expect him to laugh with her once in a way, was it wrong to expect him to pamper her once in a way? Whatever it was, the painful reality was that her life was destined to be with him, he was a part of it, and was meaningless to her now without him. She felt lost - he was her true North!

Everyone of us have something or someone that are our own pivotal points - it is all about finding it or them - finding our own true North !!

She heard a car park infront of the picket fence. Raj came into the yard, and into the house. He stood hesitantly at the door. She had a question in her eyes. He simply said "I've come to take you back". She thought - Can't you say you missed me? Can't you say I'am everything, instead of being so plain. So, practical in every expression? She laughed ! why was she such a dreamer? why did she expect all this. This was him. Simple, plain and practical. And, she knew he was her destiny - there was no other way to it.

She packed, and she was on her way ...back...headed North..with her true North.

Zugunruhe !

The morning Sun seemed to greet all the sleepy heads a very good morning and shone bright and brilliant !!

Anita stood on her terrace this morning right next to the coconut tree and the jasmine creeper, sipping her coffee and digging up all her memories. Summers spent lying on the cool terrace, soaking up the sweet scents of the jasmine, and hiding here on various occasions - to escape from her brother and her cousins who got the wildest satisfaction playing tricks on her, and tormenting her no end through their summer vacations when they met up.

Two months to this day, she had been married to Neel, and they were about to set off to America. Neel had gotten a job with one of the consulting firms there, and was very excited about pursuing a career abroad! He could not wait to leave here, and start his new life. His excitement was very almost contagious. Anita for one was very excited that she was about to start a new life with her beloved husband, and at the same time was a little skeptical of starting it in an alien land - away from her parents, brother, cousins and the surrounding she had grown up in. She had packed and re-packed everything - except for one last box. She hoped to fill it with her memories - little trivia she had collected over the years. Little things that were a part of her life!

She opened the trunk that was carefully stashed away in the back of the attic, and went "AAcchoooo"! Ah, so much dust had collected on the top since she had last opened it - probably 8 years ago :) In there, lay little pencils, crayons, erasers, beads, feathers, comics and most precious of all the Rhine stones she had painfully collected as a child! And how proud she was of her collection! She put everything she wanted in the last unpacked suitcase and smiled when she thought of Neel's reaction- he would certainly scream!! But well, she needed to carry at least a part of her past with her - the familiarity comforted her. She was she, and needed these to be herself. She would pacify Neel :) She came bounding down the stairs and sat by the sofa. On the floor lay that day's newspaper, and something on the front page caught her attention - it was an article on "Migratory Birds" !! Complete details on how some birds flew very very long distances during particular seasons.

On the other side of the globe in California, Mr.Pai heaved a sigh as he put the folder away and set his glasses on the coffee table. At last, they were almost ready. He and his wife were away from their land of birth for almost 40 years! It was a long time to spend in an alien country when all that they had come for was to see the world for a year or two at the maximum. They did not realize how time had flown and how they gotten deeper and deeper into various commitments, and had almost forgotten their resolve to head back home! Two full time jobs, two beautiful, bubbly daughters to raise, a suburban home to keep and the commute kept their hands overly full. When they got a moment to breathe and thought of home, they always felt something tug - tug in the pits of their stomach. But, they had to wait for all these years for their little princesses to grow up, finish college and settle down.

Well, all that was done now, and they had the time to think of themselves and how they would spend the evening of their lives together. That is when without the slightest disagreement, Mrs & Mr.Pai had agreed that they had to go back - back to their motherland! Go back to where they came from - their very roots. The pull was too strong now - too much to ignore.

The grandfather clock in the hallway struck ten o'clock, and Mr.Pai decided to call it a day. On the way out, he picked up the newspaper of the day. The headlines caught his attention - it was a detailed article on the life of "Migratory Birds"! He stood there in the center of his huge drawing room with a ceiling that seemed to soar towards the sky - he stood there all alone right in front of a family picture, a picture full of smiling, happy people- people from his past, who seemed to be beckoning to him now.

Somehow the life of a migratory bird, and the lives of humans seemed synonymous to him - the restlessness seemed comparable. It was interesting to him to think how humans were so skeptical of changing their own habitat, fearful of a new surrounding. These birds migrated every season, with no fear or inertia. Why are we humans so complacent? And why do we fear change in all forms? Maybe because we have complicated our own lives, and created our own imaginary fears. And we indulge ourselves in breaking these self-created barriers!

The term "Zugunruhe" came to him - something that meant migratory restlessness, as told by his German friend and co-worker Rainer!

A tear coursed down his now crinkled cheek - he had taken so long, so long to go back. His mother had made him promise he would be back within two years - but ... time had just flown. Nothing was stopping him now- he was on his way back, but to an empty home. His mother was not there waiting for him- she had long since passed away. But, he had memories of his land - the scents, the people, the bonds and the familiar surroundings to hold on to, as they together walked hand in hand into the sunset of their lives....

The Story Writer

I just finished writing, and put my pen down. Phew! It always exhausted me writing a story - I lived and re-lived my characters. Played with them, turned them upside down in my mind, and did what I had to do with them - I was in control, it was my world! Entirely my very own.

I suddenly realized that I was late for my dentist appointment. It was noon already, and I hadn't had anything to eat or drink since I had woken up. Writing was a passion for me, and I felt obsessed when I was in the middle of writing one of my stories.I forgot all about food and sleep in the process :)

Looking at the clock, I had a full two hours before I got to the dentist. So, I quickly showered, dressed and ate a light lunch of a salad and a piece of brown bread with it. I washed it down with a glass of lemonade. I decided to stop at the local grocer to pick up the ingredients for my dinner this evening - I was having my best friend Pam over this evening. It was her birthday after all, and I wanted to do something special for her.

I stopped at the store in five minutes, and went straight to the produce section, and picked up asparagus, sweet potatoes and beets. I was grilling all the vegetables just like she liked. Then came Caramel Custard for desert! Yum I loved it too, just like Pam did :) Vanilla beans, whole milk and eggs is all I needed. It was while I was picking up the eggs, I felt a sense of 'deja vu' about the whole thing. I heard a kid run past me vrooming like an airplane, and almost bumped into me! I quickly stepped out of his way, and he was followed by his mom dressed in a pair of jeans and a white shirt. Gosh! their was something so very familiar about this whole scene.

Silly, I thought and brushed aside the whole thing. I landed up at the dentist. While I waited, my mind went back to the same scene,over and over again and the funny feeling I had was that I had seen the whole thing somewhere! It was too familiar. While I looked out of the window, and my mind ticked away - it came to me! Ah! that's it! the mom running after the boy was none other the heroine of my latest novel - Maya! But, why was Maya here? She was busy at a tech conference happening in New York - and that too in my novel. I hadn't written beyond that. How could she be here, and without my permission?

I was called inside the dentist's office. The wisdom tooth hurt. The pain was almost unbearable.I said the same to the doctor.He nodded and gave me something to ease the pain away- at least for sometime.The doctor's assistant casually conversed, and said "so, what are you doing this summer?" I immediately heard myself say "whatever my kids want to - maybe go away to a summer house on the beach". She nodded and left the room. I was shocked! What did I just say? Whatever the kids liked? I never had any kids - so which kids was I talking about? But this was exactly what Maya had said to her friend two chapters ago - in my novel!

I left the dentist's office and almost ran to my car. I was confused. I just decided I needed to take it easy now. The pressure was getting to me. Not worth it. I was just about to pass the mall. Instead, I thought it would do me good to stop by, have fun shopping and in the mean time pick up something for Pam for her birthday.

As I did some window shopping, I became aware that there was a little boy smiling and staring at me.Then I saw his grandmother trying to take him away from me and in a rush to go into the jacket store. I entered the store too, and thought I should buy a light jacket for myself. I liked a red jacket, and trying it on, I looked into the mirror. I looked stunning! The assistant helping around asked "for what occasion do you need a jacket for?" I quickly without missing a beat, replied "for a conference in New York". I walked out of the store with a daze - conference? what conference? I was a school teacher - just a plain school teacher surviving the summer vacation!
Lonely and bored - with no family and friends to share it with.

I sat there in my car parked under the tree .It had begun to rain- a mid summer shower. I sat there thinking, watching the rain. Wondering what was happening with me, and what had gone wrong. I just sat there for maybe hours and thought that somewhere along the way I had begun to live my characters - they had taken me over. I was not in control anymore - they controlled me now!

After what seemed like ages, I made peace - with myself. I had a smile on my face. I decided to quit writing - I would get my life back. I would not let my characters rule me - never.

I felt happy and light and relieved. I did not have to worry about anything now. No characters, no publishers and no more stories. I had my life back, and I would live it to the fullest, the right way!

The lights on the skyline twinkled...

Bollywood Songs- Uncensored !

This morning on my drive to work, I turned on my CD player in the car - I was on my way to the school to drop off my 4 year old.

The song that came on was from one of the latest Bollywood movies called Dhoom2 - so my 4 year old sings along "S.xy lady on the floor...". It was nauseating to hear such adult language from the mouth of a four year old.

That was what got me thinking - if one has cared to hear some of the latest songs that are belted out in the Bollywood movies - specially the ones in the last 8 years or so, you can see that they use language that is not commonly used.

On my last trip to India and specifically in a marriage, I saw little children dancing away to songs whose lyrics did not quiet suit them. Songs that did not make sense to them , nor looked good when they were gyrating away to wordings that were way above their innocent ages. What is more weird is that parents today are encouraging their children to go this route - this probably includes all of us!

Now who is responsible for writing the lyrics to these songs? Is there some kind of censorship exercised on them at all? Do they have any social responsibility at all, or is it that all they care about is their album being sold?
It may sound hypocritical to say the above, in an era when the counter argument could very well be that information should be widely and freely available to all - unbarred.

This menace of inappropriate lyrics is true specifically for songs originating from Bollywood. When you want to hum the latest song, you may want to watch your audience, because the wordings may not be all that hummable :)Maybe they should start rating (U, PG13 etc.) the songs too like the way they rate movies going forwards!

I must say that the music has definitely gotten better over the years, in terms of various instruments used, the technology used to get the effects and everything, but it has dragged down the lyrics in it's climb. Well, maybe you cannot have the best of both - and like they say good things could corrupt the world too!