I recently met someone for lunch, and as a matter of conversation this person tells me that her husband doesn't talk to his mother!
I said since when? And she says since our marriage. And why? Because his mother was against the marriage.
And I asked her - so both of them just gave up talking for the last six years? She said that was correct.
Wow! great mother and son I thought!
Another friend of mine doesn't talk to her high school buddy because she hurt her in some way. A co-worker gave up speaking with a cousin because they had a fight. Another friend, another neighbor, another cousin....there are countless cases. You may know someone too.
For me not to speak with someone is a big deal. Even if it is my sworn enemy. It is unthinkable and unimaginable. Why? Because, I have lost people in my life - people who were precious. For me that is the defining truth, which we shouldn't cross unless the forces of nature grab them away and we humans watch helplessly thus remaining our mortal selves.
The rest I feel is in our hands. There is no problem that cannot be solved by handling people, their attitude, and their ego in the right way. Period.
And I also believe that once a relationship has been shared between two individuals it simply cannot be destroyed. What kind of a relationship it was usually does not matter. It's occurrence is all that makes it's existence an event or history. It has been and will continue to be in another space as the people involved at that moment in time lose control over it. Don't get busy trying to define that relationship - there is simply no need to.
This relationship has been, will be, and which is now a reality that simply continues to live in another dimension.
So, don't give up - one small life is not enough to miss out on all of these beautiful relationships no matter what they are. The good ones are desired but, the bad ones are good too. Because they exist and are as real as the good ones. It is only a perspective that they are good or bad. Nothing beyond that frame of definition.
These relationships - they are so easy to lose but take a lifetime to build and re-build.
The lyrics of the Hindi song below echo this sentiment - it talks about how you can break ties but cannot destroy relationships (Haath Chuta bhi To Rishte Nahin Chhuta Karte):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfveoxmvzf8&feature=related
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12 comments:
I think we disagree again. There is a limited amount of time and energy everyone has, and if you invest in bad relationships, then you have lesser of it left for good ones.
Unawoken, I agree with you on the limited bandwidth available for all relationships, and that you need to fit in the good and the bad in there. True - realistic.
But, if you go a level higher you will see that there are no good or bad relationships as such - it is all right/wrong in that timeframe. That's the point I was trying to make. I also wanted emphasize also the view of how would you savour the good ones in the absence of the bad ones? The short stick, long stick comparison thing...
Lastly, my thought here is primarily that once any kind of a relationship has been shared, it cannot be destroyed since it has happened and just moves on to live on another plane.
Maybe someday we'll agree :-) In the meanwhile I truly value your inputs/thoughts as I consider them reflective and a learning.
Thank you!
so ture
Thank you!
Here is my take on relationship: You don't create or destroy a relationship; it just happens. You either nurture it by spending more time and energy or you just opt to move away from it. "Talking" is only one aspect of the whole relationship nurturing. I have very dear friends with whom I don't talk for a long duration but think about them quite often. It is sad but true that such so called good relationship also exists. It is your choice of spending your time - thinking, talking or being with the person. But whatever you do, you do have a relationship. In essence, I agree with you that there is no good or bad relationship; it is just a series of events that get tied up with the name "relationship".
Anonymous,
I agree that "talking" is only one side to the way you nurture the relationship. But, it is also a critical one that is visible and falls in the category of a few things you do with people/friends you care for - I guess it is only human.
Thoughts? yes, they exist and are as real, but cannot replace entirely the other acts that form a big part in nurturing a relationship(s).
A series of events cannot form a relationship.
Events that have other dimensions (such as emotions, or any other influence)primarily make relationships.
Thank you for your thoughts though!
rendezvous,
Want to add on ...
Any and every event in your life invokes some kind of feeling. It is part of being a human being! That said, the series of event that makes up the relationship also invokes series of emotions in both sides - happy, sad, good, bad, irritation, angry, pleasure etc. It just depends on how you process the event(s). If you process the event (of interacting with the other person) as good, you categorize it as "good" relationship. If you perceive it or process it as not-so-good, you categorize it as "strained relationship". Still the fact remains that it is just an event that invoked some emotion in you. It is upto you to map the emotion appropriately, sort it, categorize it and store it.
Making "relationship" anything more complex than that is just our way of complicating life.
Anonymous,
Maybe it is a way to complicate life.
But I differ that we need to be so pragmatic and view things in such a robot like cut-and-dry fashion!
Life devoid of those small joys and sorrows doesn't make it complete in my view.Whether you acknowledge their existence or not, they are there - so might as well enjoy them! there is beauty in those tears and laughs too...
well, every man to his own...
Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
Britain's philosopher Peter Cave says "Human beings promote the existence of some things and not of others. We value. We are valuers."
Good is that which we value as better than bad. Relationships (or anything else) are not good or bad. We value some over others making some good for us and others bad.
In the level higher where there are no good or bad relationships, is there good food and bad food? At that level, is it good to preserve the environment for our children, or is it bad?
Candid Unawoken!
We are on the same plain with the fact that there are no good or bad relationships. It is all an experience and a perception that is influenced by some parameters in that time frame.
There is no good food or bad food either. There is nothing good or bad at the absolute level - and like you put it, one has a better value than the other at that moment in time - that's all.
Saving our environment for our children seems more valuable today - so it is a good thing. Tomorrow with other parameters that could change, the same may become a bad thing..
Happy to be thinking - thank you for sharing your thoughts!
Rendezvous,
My point is that, if we should tend to bad relationships, then - should we tend to eating bad food, and should we tend to do things that are bad for the environment too? If not, why not?
Unawoken,
:-) - and mine is that there is nothing that is bad or good!
It is all in the context of that moment in time.
.. and the same could be extended to your question on the environment. Some of the things you do today maybe bad for it - but may turn out to be good for it in some other way at some other point in time.
:-)
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