The Anniversary

Sometimes it takes very cliched, very simple, very predictable reasons for two people to drift apart and lose each other forever. When you hear or read about them, you would think - all this for something so elementary? Not so easy - the suffering is colossal no matter what created it and is also unique to the people involved, that is if there was even an atom of honesty and truth ever involved.

Pause for those few seconds to think about the circumstances. You will see the pain and the reasons why they did what they did before you sum them up and write them off.

One such story...

Jaya looked out of the window at the mad swaying of the tall palm trees...the wind was howling and a dust storm was beginning to take form.

She watched nature unleash her fury as she sat by the window in the comfort of her cozy room.

"I envy mother nature. She empties all her feelings without any fear or pressure of hiding them" thought Jaya. The storm inside her threatened to swirl and break free as if to compete with the one outside.

But Jaya stayed composed - at least she seemed to for the outside world..and sipped her coffee. She always did that. The person who was forced to brave the ugly side of life over and over again with a put up face of strength. Circumstances didn't grant her luxury of crumbling down and breaking up in a million pieces like she would have wanted to.

It was exactly this day two years ago - she recalled that day as if it was now and today! She was wearing a red skirt and a white top with her hair lose. The sun was streaming into the room and there was the fragrance of the jasmines that wafted through. Today was the day when she had imagined that she had won the world over!

Ashish told her that she looked beautiful as ever! Just those words made her so happy - not because she cared about her looks, but because Ashish thought she looked beautiful! He made her feel like the prettiest woman ever! That was how much she valued him, his thoughts, his feelings and everything about him...

Ashish had also whispered to her that she was the best thing that had ever happened to him - and she had fallen into his arms at those very utterances. It wasn't the first time that she had heard them, but this was different. This was real. This was forever. She felt alive and consumed. This was what she had lived for - and there could never have been a better day. She with her Ashish...

A week from thereon was the morning she and Ashish would always dread to remember.

As they sat at the table, she had said to Ashish in a firm tone - a tone that reflected the last shred of courage within her being, one which she was afraid would break down if he challenged it even the slightest bit. She was desperately putting it on for him.

The words poured out - "Ashish, I don't think this marriage is going anywhere." She paused to absorb the sound of them and shuddered at how ugly they sounded. She continued; "It's all my fault. It's not you. You deserve someone better Ashish. And, I can't take this anger, tension and fights between us - day after day. I want to live too, in my own way. I want to go away from your life...some place far away where you will not even see me ever. I want you to know that I will always love you"

Ashish was stunned. This was unreal for him. "Jaya, what are you even saying? What is wrong with out marriage? I think you are imagining these problems. These are common issues that happen between every man and wife. Please don't be in a haste and do something that both of us will regret". He pleaded. He wept. He was angry. He did everything he could to stop the unstoppable and his last attempt being "Jaya, no one does this to someone they care about. This is absurd". Nothing worked.

Jaya went ahead with all that she said was the fate of their relationship. She made her worst nightmares come true.She couldn't even imagine this could ever be true.But she did it to them and to herself.

And why? Because one phone call on that fateful evening had changed everything between them. Changed the very dimensions of their relationship.

Yes, two years ago - one evening of that fateful week. Ashish was on a call with his buddy from school days. He was catching up ...and she stood just outside the bedroom door that was left ajar. She didn't mean to overhear their conversation. It was bad manners. But, his sentences tied her down to the spot...Ashish was saying into the phone to his friend Sameer..."No, I have no plans for the long weekend"

"Yeah, you guys have to do so much running around with the kids" Sameer must have steered the conversation to that of the kids. The dreaded topic.

They had been trying to have a baby for sometime with no happy outcome. And both of them were fighting their own battles on that front. The infertility specialist Jaya had seen had told her that the chances of her carrying a baby were pretty remote given her issues. And every time she cried before Sameer about it, he joked and said that having one baby (her) was enough for him. He didn't seem to take it seriously enough. He joked and made it seem like it wasn't a big deal to be unable to have children.

The doctor's visit that morning hadn't gone well at all. There was no hope was the conclusion. She hadn't yet had a chance to talk to Ashish about this yet from that morning's doctor visit.

And then the phone conversation...

Ashish had continued into the phone - "Yeah Sameer, I know we have to have kids and everything. But you know, God isn't fair to everyone. He gives all these kids to the workers and beggars on the street who can't even feed those little ones and here there are people like Jaya and me who would do anything to have that little bundle in our hands. But no, fate has to play it's own cruel jokes...well, it kills me too when I see kids play in that park, and I want my own too...I have no choice Sameer. Jaya can't do it, and it's a reality for our marriage..."

Jaya then had shut the door softly and walked over to the patio with her cup of coffee in hand.

She was numbed - with what she had heard, about how much Sameer really wanted a baby and it killed her to know it this way. Why he hadn't opened up to her? Why? What was she to do? why was it a burden on her to solve everything between her and everyone else she dealt with - she wasn't imagining any of it. It always happened and was real.

That month, Jaya began getting treated for depression - taking those happy pills to make her mood better. Even a smile felt very difficult. Her world crumbled slowly and steadily around her...bit by bit...

Two months from that evening on, in the most unimaginale way, she had moved away from Ashish's life. Forever.

He was broken, he was sad, and devastated. He wondered what had gone wrong suddenly. And the only answer she gave him was that they were different people and had to choose their own paths before they ended up hating each other. Some deep rooted wounds rendered some relationships beyond repair. And he reminded her of her failure as a woman. She said her depression was getting worser because of the unhappiness in the house. And he thought this was an extreme step to take - to resolve fights that occurred in every household. She ignore his opinion with all she left in her.

But, he was helpless too. She was his world and he wanted her happy in the end.He felt he didn't have the strength to support her through her health issues, her depression and everything else...maybe it was just easier for them to go their ways he thought much against his own feelings about how he would have chosen for things to be.

In the days that followed, she turned herself into a rag doll - sleeping pills, happy pills and everything else came and went in a blurr.

She had convinced Ashish that he was better off without her in his life.

She was like this little girl who with her own hands broke her favorite doll into a million pieces and then sobbed at the sight...held those scattered pieces in her hands and cried with tears that ripped her heart open. who could she explain this to? how could she put in words why she had done it?

What could explain her misery night after night when she sobbed into her pillow. Who was there to wipe her tears? Who would sing silly songs to her, crack silly jokes and shout "I love you" in the car to her when it went through tunnels?

Was she a fool to have made a mess for herself? What or who could she explain to about how she felt? She talked to herself, sang to herself, did little things to make herself smile - she tried and tried very hard to build herself - atom by atom...one single painful step at a time.

She felt as though pain had patterns. It was crazy but she could visualize her pain in patterns. There were times she went back and had to start all over again. Why? Because she had to! Some people don't have choices.

Ashish had moved on. He had met Maya at a party, and had married her. They were now expecting their baby!

Did people miss each other in times of grief or of happiness? Which one deserved to be shared? what deserved the dignity and the honor given the bond that was and had been? who knows...maybe it varies with each individual.

She sat in the car outside the park this evening. She went there some days to make her feel sane - their happy, innocent laughter cured it all for her.

Then she saw them. Hand in hand - walking in the park. Ashish looked happy and so did Maya!

It is the feeling that someone is looking at you probably that did it , but at that instant Ashish looked her way. He stopped in his tracks and after a few moments that made time stand still, met her eyes and very slowly turned his head away. A face he had cherished, the sight he adored had been shunned by him. It was as if she were transparent...they walked on...

A few more minutes passed. Jaya started the engine and very slowly turned the car away from the park. As she looked in the rear view mirror and saw Ashish's smiling face in the distance, she knew in her heart that she had made the right decision.

She had hurt him because she loved him in her own way - would he ever understand that? She had done the right thing for him. Maybe one day, someday she thought...

She had reached the hospital and the nurse on duty walked her to her room. That was where Jaya stood and watched nature's dance of fury. She watched the storm brew on the outside, as she waited for the doctor to come check her and pump more medication into her, which would put her to sleep for a few hours - take her to a far away land. She would drift up, up and away on a cloud and enter into another life where she would be smiling, happy...

The television in the room was playing a song and she smiled watching it.

When words fail...she thought...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h64V31hD20M

Had these two years been real? or was she imagining them? She burst out laughing as tears rolled down ...