Black...

The color itself signifies a very strong something to me...what when everything swirling around you makes it one big ball of black - where the yesterday, the today and the tomorrow seem to concur and become one! One undecipherable tangle...

Questions, questions and more questions - the more I suppress them, the more they want to surface.I cannot carry on the pretense of ignoring them...and why should I? I'm no saint...well, I was not honored particularly and in a nice way either when I was one...so..why now?

Every night when my head hits the pillow, I take a few hours to fall asleep. Thoughts of the past, the present and the non-existent future pull me in a thousand directions.All competing with one another to drag me into an abyss.

The one tiny blip, and the one big question that kills me is "Why was I chosen to play a role in this game of ...? And, why was I punished in the end?" Why me? Every sentiment of mine was ridiculed, and every good intention was tossed in the air - why me? Was there a dearth of fools on this planet Earth that I was chosen? I have never harmed anyone knowingly - so, why was I chosen for this dastardly act? And all of this just because...

Even hatred, and in-difference are hard to come by - in the end everything gets masked by those very bloody good intentions - good for all.One can't even hate? Am I incapable of even hating someone? Why be rendered so useless, and be nauseated at the very memory of all that was the past, and all that was painted black?

Forgiveness - did you say? Sounds good to hear - have you done it even once yourself?

How do I balance the frustration of being caught in between these strong currents? How do I explain to myself why I was punished for doing what I did and for something I did not...to what do I owe the highs and the lows when I touch the borders of lunacy and when everything inside of me threatens to break free - and threatens to break through those false wisps of...

Was it wrong to be right? Or is it right to be wrong?

Which of them is right? Do you know?

All of those thoughts are mutually exclusive. Nothing follows even a pattern - I envy them! At least they are their own masters! Unlike me - bound and slaved to them! Even time has no cure or effect on them - they fly, swim and race in perfect solitude - unabashed!

When all else fails, I try another trick - a game I play with myself! In some weird corner of my mind, I reign control. I sneak in there to challenge it, pull it out and then toss it at the wall - hard and strong - with all my force. It breaks, shatters and is blown to smithereens, and then reveals itself.You know what color it is? Black - just plain black.A big mass of Black...

The people, their thoughts, their make believe worlds, their fake smiles everything makes me wonder - there is someone up there watching, and laughing his head off. Fools that we are! It is funny that we go back begging for reclamation to the person who punishes us - why? No idea. And, he remains silent - because he is God. He has no answers and will not take any of your questions. And he is associated with the color White - really? Shouldn't it have been Black? why? Ask him not me...

This is not me...but when challenged, when bitten, I want to stand up - stand up to fade the Sun away - turn the White to a Black. And when believed in, I can turn the very same Black to White! I fake it to myself you think - maybe I do? But then, what are my choices? Are my tears not tears? Is my pain not pain?
But, all that I want to do now is swim through the murky waters of my thoughts...I'm gasping for air, and that's all I know...

The whole Black and White - there is no room for it here, because they do not and cannot co-exist in the same time period. They never have - it was us who thought they could.It was us who created a make believe world - and the price for it was paid...paid in unimaginable ways...

In a strange way, I wish God could read what I write for him and what I think about him. He would probably then realize that it is time to wake up from his deep slumber, and do what he is God for...maybe he will cry then...will they be tears of blood? who knows...

Buried deep in the crevices of my mind, my thoughts, my memories, and my questions dance in tandem - then they blip! The night has fallen, and I'm engulfed in another endless dream only to wake up more confused - only to shudder that it is not real.

At that hour of the day (or is it night?) I look outside and see that it is Black...silent and Black...