Better Late Than Never

This is where I open my heart out to..a blank page that has all the patience to listen to me, my feelings, my outbursts, my anger, my joy and everything else that happens in between. I have no fear of it judging me, of ridiculing me - it simply waits for me to tell to it all that I want to - ever so patiently. I sometimes kid myself that some day soon it will grow hands to cradle my head on it's shoulders :-)

It is on one of these last days of July many many years ago that I lost my little brother to an accident. Life was wonderful, protected and complete up until that point.

It was about 5:30 in the evening - he came home from school and I was in the backyard doing something with the plants. My mom gave him a snack that was his favorite and he was in a rush to run off to play with the other kids nearby. I heard her call after him to come back soon before it got too dark. I peaked in too to shout a bye, but he was off. So, I just kept quiet not making a big deal of it...

I never realized that I'll never ever get a chance again to say that bye...for he never came back home. He was simply gone. That's all.

Life from that point on has never been the same to say the least - and I realize it more and more as my own stress and loneliness in life seems to grow along with me...

I have been told to forget the past, move on, be happy and so many more things - all in good intention I admit. How is it possible when I have never been given a chance to mourn? I haven't even begun to shed my tears in peace - for I always have had to hold onto them just for that one more time and for when I would be done taking care of something or someone who needed me more at that moment...

I have also been accused of trying to fill that void with other people, other relationships - well, what choices does a hungry, homeless, beggar really have? He takes whatever comes his way and lovingly treasures it. Am I any different?

Again who needs sympathy.Expecting a little love from this world was asking way too much for it - so why burden these poor souls is what I learnt. They have nothing to offer in return...but, you know what? The world is still a beautiful place, full of wonderful people - they are like innocent children who take what they want from you with both their hands, not waiting for any formalities. It is the thought that they think that you belong to them that is important and is the beauty of it! That is enough happiness I think..

Among many other emotions that come and go, one related thought is about "Acceptance". It is a simple word that is easy to preach, but extremely difficult to practice. To be able to close your eyes, trust and accept a person, a something and all that comes your way is probably the final truth that goes beyond all religion, all sentiments and everything else that is bigger than life itself.

My litle whisper - love those little moments, those people, honor those sentiments and treasure everything between "now" and "after" - there maybe no tomorrow isn't it?

Each wound has it's own grave and a compartment...one can still be happy. General bliss and happiness can live along with all the pain.
But when it comes to burying it, seems to raise it's head - visible only to the one who wants to go away from it - strange isn't it?

After all these years - a very simple thought crosses my mind. A truth that I should have realized for all these years - When you laugh, you laugh with people who you think are a part of your life in some way...but when you cry, you cry alone....all alone.

This does not belittle those around us, it is also not because there is no one ready to cry with you, but because those tears don't have the same meaning when shed by anyone other than you...the very meaning gets changed...

You and only you can feel it, live it and let it go. It's most dignified thing to do.

This was all there was to it wasn't it? So simple..yet so elusive...took a lifetime to get here and will take another to live it.

Better late than never...