Part II - A Fist Full of Memories

Varun came to spend his vacation at home. It was spring. I did all that I could to make it the best vacation ever for him. Arvind was simply thrilled to have his son at home, and be able to spend his evenings chatting with him. Finally, they seemed to connect - on a vague level.

Those two weeks were the best ever for us a family - well, three strangers in ways unknown, tied in a bond. A bond created by us, and by fate.

The day of his departure arrived. Varun walked upto me as stood at the doorway. Paused, and looked into my eyes. He had said all he had to say. He simply walked away.

I did not hear from him for a few months. He called, and spoke to Arvind, and before I could talk to him, the phone would be disconnected.

Why Varun? Why me? I didn't know how to handle his reaction. Was it anger? Was it running away from me? Was it that he was afraid that he would go weak before me? Was he afraid of...it killed me. I needed him to tell me. I needed to know.

Nothing happened. Time did not wait for any of us...

One year after he was in the city, I got a call from Varun one afternoon. I was about to sip my hot cuppa coffee sitting on the steps, when I heard the ring. A shiver went up my spine...I could feel it...just the ring...I could almost feel his restlessness through the ringing of the phone - that had to be varun :-)

"Chinni Ma, I think I have found her!. I think I have found who I think is perfect for me...I have said YES to her yesterday. She seems to be a good girl chinni Ma. Is from the same profession as me, and I think we have a lot in common. I can't wait for you to meet her!"

I was silent. "Chinni Ma, you there....Chinni...you think I did the right thing?" I cleared my throat and said "Ofcourse, I'm sure you have considered everything, and I'm sure you will be happy with her. I can't wait to meet her". I tried to echo his excitement.

It was May 28th.

After some back and forth with the girls' parents, the wedding date was set to a date in November.

The wedding was done, and Varun with his bride Bindu were sent off to the city to build their nest.

Varun's calls became less frequent. It was understandable. Yes, he never forgot to call on all the special days.

It was my birthday that day, and Varun's call came as expected. "Happy Returns Chinni Ma.." I was sooo happy just to hear his voice. My voice trembled - "Varun, prince, where have you been? Are you okay?" Varun was silent. Just his silence said a million things to me - "Varun, what happened baby?" Silence. "Chinni Ma, things between me and Bindu are not very fine. I don't know what to do. I tried my best to do everything for her, but it seems like we are so different". I could feel the tears in his voice. My baby - he didn't have to say how much it was hurting him - it wrenched my heart to know that my Prince was unhappy. I wish I could turn the world upside down to fix it for him.

Well, things limped along, things were fine, he and Bindu continued to live their life together. But, my heart raced everytime Varun called, and leaped with joy just to know he was doing okay...

I lived my life through his in some vague, inexplainable way...our lives were tied together...

That winter, life chalked out paths for Arvind and me. Arvind set onto his last journey - the final destination that awaits all of us. He went to bed that night, and never woke up. He still had a peaceful smile on his lips when I tried waking him up the next morning. Arvind - just the way he was - never interfered with anyone, never said a bad thing to anyone, in his own world, till the end.

I mourned for sometime - mourned for our non-existent marriage, or for another human I would never see again, I don't know.

Varun came, did all that he had to do as a son, and left. I kept waiting for his calls as usual. Life seemed to be compressed between one call to the other...

One morning, he called and said "Chinni Ma, why don't you come and spend the summer with us?" I was silent.I didn't know what to say. "Chinni Ma, don't think so much about it - just come. Me and Bindu need some company....we get so bored over the weekends...everyone's family is so big and busy..." A million other excuses why I should go there. What he didn't say was - he needed me by his side. His pauses, his silence, his choice of words - everything else spoke for him.He didn't have to say it - I could read his heart and his mind. Sure baby, I'll be there.

I reached his place, and settled in in less than a day.

Bindu was a working woman, and found little time to spend much time on the house. Not her fault. I happily took over the role.

It was 6PM, and I quickly fixed a snack and made some tea that I poured into the thermos. Varun would be home anytime. He liked to have his tea and eat a bite as soon as he entered the house. And, it was my pleasure to do these little things - I did it for my baby, for my Prince.

That was when I saw the mangoes lying on the counter. Varun loved mangoes. I quickly cut a couple and kept them in the fridge - ready for Varun.

Bindu entered the house first, and Varun followed with a frown on his forehead.

We sat sipping our tea at the dining table. Bindu didn't say much. well honestly, I never had the feeling she liked me much. I didn't harbour any great affection for her either. Things were that way since the day we met. It happens sometimes betwen any two individuals. I had tried initially to build a bridge, and then got tired of it, and had silently given up. I did not have to carry this load - it was Varun's, and by his choice. That was the best I could do, and had left it at that.

Movies, city life...we kept talking on everything. Bindu was her silent self as usual. As we spoke, I felt Varun's foot on mine and stopped in the middle of my sentence. Varun liked to do that at the table, and it was something that always tugged at my heart.

Bindu stood up, pushed her cup away and stormed into the bedroom with Varun in persuit. The next thing I heard was her screaming away - "To hell with you Varun. That woman seems to be everything to you. Who am I? and what am I to you? Tell me Varun?"

I didn't hear Varun, and Bindu continued to rage. Shouting and screaming at the top of her lungs...abuses, allegations...it continued...

I debated should I go or stay out...but, I could not bear to see Varun being treated that way...nobody did that to my baby. Not as long as I was around...

I entered the room - very hesitantly. She turned to me - "You know you have entered our lives and taken him away from me. It's all because of you. I had a great marriage, and now all that Varun does is talk about you, think about you, and care for you. All the misery is because of you".

She kept sobbing and banging her head...it threw me oof the curve...

I was confused. Me? Why me? It seemed senseless. Did she even know what she was talking about? How could I snatch Varun away when he belonged to me in the first place? He was my baby - I was his mother. Step Mother. But, so what? I had done everything for him and had loved him just the way a real, biological mother would do for her baby.

And, I had given him to her. I was the one who consented to his marriage to her.So, the whole thing about the snatching part shocked me...did anyone have to snatch their babies from some one else?

Had mankind ever heard of such a thing? What was this mad woman even talking about...I felt my anger rise. I wanted to tell her a lot of things at that moment. Tell her everything she could not have even imagined...forget the snatching part. It would be nothing then in comparison...how dare she treat my baby this way, and talk like this...

I looked out of the window then. It was raining very very hard. I could feel the pulse throb at my temples. For a moment nothing moved in the room. I swallowed hard, asked Varun to get me a glass of water, and cleared my throat.

I was surpised at what came out of my mouth from that moment on for the next 4 hours. I told her everything that would make her feel better. Told her that she was the most important thing in his life...told her she was the perfect fit for him...told her I thought she was simply great, and told her a million things I didn't even mean.

Did I lie? I don't know. I did what I could as my baby's mother, to save his life - his broken relationship with her. My only instinct at that time was that of saving my baby. I had to. If I didn't do it, who would?

Could I ever harm him? No. Never.

Bindu kept screaming..."you do everything for him...you cook his favorite foods, he comes and talks to you about his problems...I'am his wife...I should be the one he should talk to.." and what not..

I thought to myself - well lady, where were you when he was breaking down? where was your love and so called selfless spirit when you broke him bit by bit with your demands, your heartlessness, and your constant nagging?

You cannot demand love girl - it happens between two people. If it doesn't happen the first time, it never will. And, it is not something you buy at the supermarket, or by throwing a tantrum like this one.

Anyway, all that did not matter. He was my baby, and I had a right to love him and protect him. This was beyond any discussion.

Varun sat there - silent and withdrawn. I could see he was shaken. Was he scared? He was in a deep thought - but speechless, while his wife kept throwing the baggage at me. I was blamed for the lack of everything in their relationship. I didn't even understand how - but, she seemed to need a target to bang on. And I was it.

I listened - I had to defend my baby - that was the only thought in my mind. My lips were sealed. My only defence? I did explain and talk and convince...well, I did my best..

My heart screamed - Why don't you speak Varun? why don't you tell her what your Chinni Ma means to you? Can you say something for once please? Tell her, that you will not have your Chinni Ma insulted this way. Can you tell her your priorities?...

He kept his head bent low...not a word...

I had never had anyone stand up for me - ever. So, Varun was no exception. I had thought he would be...but, this was my fate. So, why blame him.

I walked out of the room after what seemed an eternity...onto the terrace..into the darkness...

[To be continued....]