A New Year!

May this year bring with it all that you wish for!

May you be blessed with peace and contentment

May you be blessed with forgiveness

May you be surrounded with love

May you be gifted with the capability to give - give away something that is most precious to you

May you learn the pleasure of being humble

May you always have the wonder to appreciate

May you have the re-strain and the sensibility to appreciate what you have..

May you become the person you will be proud of ...when you look back many years later...

This is all I have to give today - and I wish all my readers all of this and beyond...

Here is praying for more peace in this world!

One of Those Days...

Today is one of those days when I feel as if the world is going to come crashing down...one of those days which brings with it a barrage of memories and they seem to tear at my very being...just dumped on me to deal with.

Have you ever felt or even imagined what it is to be not cared for? Will God throw some goodness my way too? In some way, some form?

Feel like I'm captured in a glass bowl - where I can see the free world outside of me...it's cold and windy outside - but, I can't breathe.

Very soon...getting ready to jump out - scared though to imagine a life all by myself...

All by myself!

The Greedy Brahmin [Part III]

I have to come back to the story now ...has been shelved for a few days now...read on..

Sindhu was awakened by Shakara Shastry's yelling at her. "Sindhu, can you arrange for my tumbler of coffee? Do I have to beg for it now? What kind of a woman sleeps till the Sun rises high in the sky?" He yelled at her before she even had the time to stand up on her feet. Sindhu was ashamed that she had slept in late. She hurried past him without a word, towards the kitchen - on the way, she glanced at the clock on the wall. She was stunned! It was a full 2 hours ahead of her usual waking time. Shankara Shastry had woken up earlier than usual and was kicking up such a fuss.If only...

She choked on a sob when she remembered how her mom woke her up as a child - "Sindhu, my little princess...wake up my sunshine" She would rub her soft hands on Sindhu's forehead very gently and prodded her till she was wide awake and smiling!

What did she owe this to? She never knew...

"Sindhu, I'll have 2 more Idlis"..just that sentence from her husband as she served him breakfast made everything else vanish for Sindhu. She watched him lovingly as he ate. Silly her, it was all her fault. He was a great husband wasn't he? That's what everyone in town told her. She chided herself to be more happy - see the good side of him always!

Babu came that afternoon to talk more on the Temple rituals during the Durga Pooja season. Sindhu wished from behind the door that she was asked for an opinion too - her father always had said that she was a smart girl. Her friends always thought that she knew a way out for every problem they had while growing up.

Now as Babu and Shankara Shastry debated on how to adjust the finances to meet the upcoming expenses, Sindhu silently wished she was part of the discussion too - she tried imagining what would happen if she just walked in and sat beside her husband and dived into the conversation. She trembled at just the thought.

Sindu casually moved a little towards the door and stood in the doorway - part visible and part hidden. Just like her thoughts. Neither open nor hidden.Neither here nor there.

As she peeped into the verandha, Sindhu caught sight of the maid as she served coffee to both Shankara Shastry and Babu. She was quick to see that the coffee cup was precariously placed between Shankara Shastry's elbow and the stool on the side. Just a small movement from his elbow would spill the burning hot liquid on him and worse of all lead to a scene she and the maid would remember for a long time to come.

Without thinking any further, Sindhu quickly went in and moved away the cup - just in time. Shankara Shastry's elbow hit her hand - just missing the cup topped with scalding liquid.

What followed next, changed the lives of four people...a change that was never meant to be. A change that didn't have to happen, and a change that was irreversible.

Shankara Shastry went blind with rage, and grabbed Sindhu by her hair as she turned to leave with the cup. He turned her around and spat into her face. Sindhu was shocked!

"You are such a useless woman. I curse the day I married you. Even the maid here has better sense than you. What she had done was right. What is wrong with you? I have forbidden you from coming in front of the visitors in this house - but no, you have to make an exhibition of yourself. It is not that you don't understand - it is your ego. You have to display yourself - don't I know this?" He stormed out of the room - the rage if it had a color would have been white. Blank, vicious, capable of destroying anything that it hit against....

Sindhu stood rock still. What would she do now? Any action didn't seem to fit in with the pain that spilt her heart, the hurt she felt or the way her self was exposed to people around her - strangers who knew the deepest secret about her relationship with her husband. She felt naked at this point.

The shame and insult tagged with being naked doesn't have to be associated with the physical self of a person - it could be in ways that only love, trust and respect could cover and protect like the way clothes do.

Any decent woman, even any decent man would know what this means.She experienced this - at the very moment.

Sindhu silently left the room. Her walk gave away nothing. Her eyes said nothing. Her entire being was calm. A calm before the storm came...a storm that engulfed her very being, a storm that destroyed everything in it's wake...

My Music And Those High Notes!

A small interlude from the story line - had to share this music file from a recent music gathering I enjoyed singing in :-)

I have to tell you - the positive energy that got built at that moment was simply FANTASTIC - and all those high notes did their magic on me !!!

I consider it a blessing to be signing...

Listen to the below link:

http://www.4shared.com/dir/10392782/4ec935fa/myMusic.html

(select the Check box , Double Click on the file name, Click on "Play" and also on the "Play Button" below - bring up the volume! Enjoy!)

Like it?

The Greedy Brahmin [part II]

Some day ...thought Babu and walked towards home as the Sun set behind the faraway mountains.

As soon as he reached home, Saraswati began ranting about all that she needed for the house and her impending trip to her mother's place. They were all the same he thought.

He said nothing. He quietly ate his meal and lay down on the cot, under the stars...

There was something about Sindhu that brought up very strong feelings in him - something that was nostalgic....very familiar..

Voices, faces and screams - all seemed to swim together, as Babu drifted to a state of being half asleep..

"Babu, where are you - you devil! It seems like you were born to bring misery to me, as if all that I had in my life already was not enough.." Shouted his mother. She waited there at the entrance of the house with a stick in her hands. Babu shivered at the very sight, as he looked at her from his hiding place on the neighbour's staircase. He had apparently finished most of the 'payasam' she had made for the guests who were coming to see his sister in the evening. And she was wild at this moment for there was no more money on them to get all the ingredients and do it all over again.

"Babu, you better come out or I will rip the skin off your back when I lay my hands on you". Babu didn't have a choice - he slowly walked towards his mother.

One...two..three..the slaps burnt through his skin..Babu shut his eyes close as tears rolled down his cheeks.

She stormed back into the house throwing curses at him and his father.

Babu wished he had a normal family too. His father was a priest who barely managed to feed his family. But, he was a gentle human being who always helped and served people with no expectations from anyone including his wife. All that she told him was how worthless he was, every single day. He bore the grunt of everything for the love of his children and just so that they had a home to live in.

Every single meal in their home was tension filled. Babu always stayed away, hiding behind a box or a door - praying that their regular arguments didn't reach any new level. His father walking away from his plate of food, his mother sobbing as if someone had died at home - was a very common scene. She screamed at the top of her lungs, and Babu was always embarrassed about what the neighbour's thought of them.

Tonight after such a fight, he heard his mother yell from the kitchen "I don't know what sin I had done in my previous life to beget you and these monster kids. God, why don't I die before I have to see more".

His father lay on the cot under the stairs - he saw the terror in Babu's eyes. He gestured him to come near - he just held him close. Babu's own tears were mixed with those of his father's..

He never forgot his father's agony..

There were a million such incidents that tattered his childhood. If one ever saw it, it would have looked like a cloth with a million holes in it - some big, some small - everyone of them indicating an incident that had ripped his heart out as a child...

He swore on that day that he would avenge all of these tears - all those gentle thoughts and sentiments that would have lived in a happy little child of his age were now replaced with very strong, mature feelings of anger and hatred. The innocence was long gone!

In his little mind - his mother had ruined it all - for every one of them..

He would one day get back. Successful and strong - was it to impress his mother, or was it to prove something else? He never knew, and never cared.

After all this time, as Babu lay there he realized what it was about Sindhu that was familiar. Those were the same eyes - those of his mother's! There was the same haunting look in them, the same controlled anger, the same hunger to be loved, the same hatred for something unknown, the same silent strength, the same something...

Did he love it or hate it? He didn't know. He was most certainly drawn to it - a very powerful pull that he didn't resist...

The Greedy Brahmin [part-I]

Panduranga Sharma the village priest hurried towards his home after a day long ceremony at the village head Shankara Shastry's house. The village head had performed his father's annual ceremony that day without holding back any effort on his part as a son.

Panduranga Sharma's mother fondly called him as "Babu" and half the village elders called him by that name. He had been recently married to Saraswati, a simple, plain village girl who didn't say much and had her head bent at all times. Babu was doing everything he could to make ends meet, and even travelled to nearby villages to offer prayers on behalf of people on various occasions - birth and death meant the same to him. He was gifted with a loud voice and clear speech, making his renderings very impressive. He was shrewd and knew how he could always make a fast buck!

Now as he washed his feet, he couldn't get his mind off of something at the village head's house. The food! There were so many varieties and of such good quality - the pooja in the afternoon had been followed by a discussion of re-birth and some quotes from the hols scriptures. But, Babu's mind was full of thoughts of food - he was obsessed with the idea of getting his fingers into the delicious spread that lay before him. The lines between religion, beliefs, knowledge everything merged for him at his point of obsession.

His wife Saraswati fed him a sumptuos meal and sat by him to talk about her impending trip to her mather's place for Diwali. She was disgusted about how he remained absent minded most of the times - she got up and lay down in their little bedroom in the corner of the house.

As Babu lay under the stars, in front of him came the image of Sindhu the village head's wife serving his favourite food. She stood tall and beautiful - with eyes that could haunt you and expressions meant only for those who caught them!

He heaved a sigh...he wanted to be places, do things and possess things he had always aspired for...

A few weeks later Babu happened to be back at the house of Shankara Shastry and they were debating the issues at the village temple. Shankara Shastry was a person of very strong principles - unable to compromise with anything that fell short of his expected level from everyone around him. His wife Sindhu unfortunately always happened to be a victim to all of his anger when someone broke his rules, his expectations, and for everything else that went wrong.

The way he punished her was by his silence - he simply said nothing. And she, on her part craved for his attention, his affection and everything else she expected from a man in her life. She loved him and held him with high respect nevertheless. She bloomed at his praise, danced at his smile, the Earth slipped below her feet when he was angry, died when he was unhappy, shivered at his touch - and did everything she could to please him...

She hated the days he was in a foul mood.

Sindu stood at the doorway holding the bowls of sweet 'Payasam' she had so lovingly prepared for Shankara Shastry. But, just the sight of her staning at the doorway where people could see her enraged Shankara Shastry - he bellowed "Sindhu, I would be happy if you left - please ask one of the servants to bring the food here" The house seemed to shake!Sindhu quickly turned and dissappeared...

Shankara Shastry did not think it necessary to throw an explanation at his audience.His arrogance did not let him makke anyone worthy enough to be discussing matters pertaining his family especially his wife...Sindhu. He loved her- but, in his own ways.He did what he thought was good for her, did what his ancestors did with women. He didn't sing her praises, didn't recite poetry for her but loved her in his own strong, steady ways - he respected her in twisted angel and could not bear to think that anyone was even worthy of her sight!

Babu sat on the porch as he ate the delicious 'payasam' - perplexed and slightly shaken with all that happened around him.Sindhu always seemed like a mystery to him.

Later that afternoon, he had an opportunity to talk to her as he waited for a cup of tea at the kitchen door.She casually asked how things were with him and his wife. So, he responded that he was looking for some money so that he could buy a gold chain to please his wife on their first wedding anniversary.Sindhu hesitated for a minute, went to the cupboard in the store room and came out with some cash and gave it to him. She said "take this and make her happy". Before Babu could say anything, she dissappeared....

The Way You Move - Body Language [Series-I]

When I talk to people, the first thing that always reaches me are their gestures, the way they move their hands, their eyes and their body language in general even before I hear what they say..maybe just me?

I don't think so - there are a lot of people that fall into my category.Those of us who notice probably...

Don't you know people who laugh with their hands covering their mouths? haven't you shared a table with people who drum on the dining table? chatted with people who shift from one leg to another, throw their heads back while laughing, smile while they type e-mails, shake hands at every word you say, stand very close to you while talking, interject their conversation with nervous laughter, mask their sentences with false confidence by talking very loudly....so many ways...

Picking up from a wiki - the following caught my attention:

Per formal definition, is a term for communication using body movements or gestures instead of, or in addition to, sounds, verbal language or other communication. It forms part of the category of para language, which describes all forms of human communication that are not verbal language. This includes the most subtle of movements that many people are not aware of, including winking and slight movement of the eyebrows. In addition body language can also incorporate the use of other facial expressions.

-One of the most basic and powerful body-language signals is when a person crosses his or her arms across the chest. This can indicate that a person is putting up an unconscious barrier between themselves and others. It can also indicate that the person's arms are cold which would be clarified by rubbing the arms or huddling. When the overall situation is amicable, it can mean that a person is thinking deeply about what is being discussed. But in a serious or confrontational situation, it can mean that a person is expressing opposition. This is especially so if the person is leaning away from the speaker. A harsh or blank facial expression often indicates outright hostility. Such a person is not an ally, and may be considering contentious tactics.

-Consistent eye contact can indicate that a person is thinking positively of what the speaker is saying. It can also mean that the other person doesn't trust the speaker enough to "take his eyes off" the speaker. Lack of eye contact can indicate negativity. On the other hand, individuals with anxiety disorders are often unable to make eye contact without discomfort. Eye contact is often a secondary and misleading gesture because we are taught from an early age to make eye contact when speaking. If a person is looking at you but is making the arms-across-chest signal, the eye contact could be indicative that something is bothering the person, and that he wants to talk about it. Or if while making direct eye contact a person is fiddling with something, even while directly looking at you, it could indicate the attention is elsewhere.

-Disbelief is often indicated by averted gaze, or by touching the ear or scratching the chin. When a person is not being convinced by what someone is saying, the attention invariably wanders, and the eyes will stare away for an extended period.

-Boredom is indicated by the head tilting to one side, or by the eyes looking straight at the speaker but becoming slightly unfocused.

-Interest can be indicated through posture or extended eye contact.

-Deceit or the act of withholding information can sometimes be indicated by constantly touching the face during conversation/ covering the mouth while talking.

There is so much more to this topic - I'll write a series on it probably :-)

So, the next time you meet a person, eat, or talk - observe the various patterns...it is pretty fascinating.

Better still, look within yourself and see what you are conveying to the world!

An Interesting Performance

A performance I enjoyed.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6579876666240016353&hl=en

A Beautiful Song

A song that always gives me the strength to keep going...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ECmvcIiuvVs

The Burn

Last afternoon when I returned, I drove past the very person - the person who threw me and my family off a curve and now walks on the face of this earth with a false face of innocence. A look of contentment drawn from the satisfaction of belittling another human.
I did not even meet his eyes - because I still cannot accept anything else but the fact that at one time what I had seen in those very eyes was innocence and truth. And, I had trusted it...I don't want to believe the image I see today.

He has changed me and my family - changed our sentiments, our relationship and turned us into people who can never trust another human...

He has recently lost his father - we were all very sad on hearing the same. And, I had hoped that somewhere the right values in him would emerge to the forefront, and make him more human...But...

I wish that some day he has the moral courage and the dignity to come up to me and apologize for what he has to done to me and my life.

I hope one day he will realize the damage he has done...and that just by running away, the situation does not correct itself nor will become the right thing...

Till then...I'll burn in that very anger...the anger and the helplessness to do anything I can to hurt him back. I know exactly what I can, and how I can break the whole thing down...but I won't, simply because I don't want to be him...

GPS For Life?

What are people expected to do when they lose their way in Life?

People on the roads use maps
People who hike use a compass
People on the sea are guided by the winds

What do I do?

Why don't they make a GPS for Life?

Maybe there is one already that exists in some form - maybe I just don't see it....

It's All About The Time Frame

As I drove back home today - happy at some things that had crossed my life - I missed those friends I knew last year at this time. I missed sharing that happiness and sharing the laughter...

Those were some innocent moments - I so truly wish that they had stayed innocent before being corrupted by the world!

Time had changed and so had everything else..

People, friends, relationships - seem to swing to the moods of time!

I met a good buddy yesterday to catch up and while we chatted, found out how hollow she had become from the last time I met her! I was shaken up by how time had treated her.. I missed seeing her carefree, happy smile! Her life had changed. So much gone by in just a few months - gone were those dimpled smiles...

The changes brought by time seem to mock in our faces when they are positive...

Just the last week,I talked to a friend who recently lost her dear father...all she wanted was for time to turn back. A time where she could pick up the phone and call her father.A time when he would call to wish on her birthday, on festivals and on any other special occasion...

Does time touch even relationships we perceive can remain untouched? Are these out of bounds? Wrong. It does - it reaches everywhere.

I heard about our friends, a couple who had fought against all odds to get married, and were now going through separation - we went to their anniversary party just the last year around this time...how time had changed everything.

Does it end there? No.

My little one has been pestering me for a game for the last 3 months. And I had held it back so that I could bribe her when I needed to. Since her birthday is round the corner, I told her yesterday that I would be buying it for her as a birthday present. And pat came the reply - "Mumma, I'm too big for her. It's a baby game. I don't want it anymore".She didn't need it anymore. Gone was her need for it. I had held it back and had rendered it useless. Time had changed it's value...

I realized that even the most precious object, the same cause - you thought meant everything to you or the same person who was so important for you, have a limited meaning.

I also realized that they lose their meaning and the very essence of their importance when brought out of that time frame which eventually brings with it a context.

Thinking about it, everything time touches may not be in the negative sense - there's some positive too.A year ago,I didn't have the time to eat my meal peacefully...I was so busy with so many things that took precedence at that time. Music didn't mean much. But, today my world has changed. My music is my life. I live and breathe it! And it puts a smile on my face - and that is not a bad thing!

Again, like I always said - we need to appreciate and enjoy the moment while it lasts. This as I infer is the truth, as the very thing(s) may not mean the same in a different time frame....

Enjoy your time while you live in it.

Sending positive thoughts your way...