Chaya - The Shadow

Trrriiing...Trriiiing...the shrill ringing of the phone continued as I came bounding down the stairs. By then, my maid Gauri had beat me to the race and was barking into the receiver "Who is this?". She turned to me and said in a whisper "It is Mr.Yash". She handed the receiver to me with a coy smile on her face, and moved away from the room.

At last, he had called. In a split second, my mind was racing - should I take the call, or should I just hang up on him? I knew why he was calling - to tell me the supposed "good news". He was getting married.
Married to the one chosen by his family. A girl that belonged to a similar background as his, similar financial status and from the same village.So, his family had approved of his bride-to-be!

A part of me celebrated with him, because he was more than a bum-chum to me! I had grown up with him. But, there was the woman in me that wanted to slap him for what he was doing to me.

Well, I guess my good upbringing, my education and my values stopped me from doing anything. Instead, I took the call and held my breadth. Waited for him to break the good news! He said "Chaya, I'm getting married. I've finally found the girl, and I want you to be the best girl!" what an honor! I have always been your best girl Yash- your best friend and best everything for so long. Yash, I don't need a tile now!

I simply replied "Congratulations Yash! ofcourse, I'll be your best girl". Now, who cared how many million pieces my heart had broken into right at that moment? Yash was too excited to notice that I wasn't even speaking anymore. I was told that the arrangements were all made, and it would be one grand wedding!

Sure, I would be there to watch my buddy step into the family mode. I was happy that Yash was going to be a responsible husband.

Who was happy for Yash? Me, or my shadow - as my name suggested? I didn't know anymore.

The rains came early that season. It hadn't stopped pouring down since this morning - and it was past 2:00 PM in the afternoon. I saw on the porch and watched the rain. Gauri was busy making some coffee for me in the kitchen. I had always shared this cup of coffee with Yash for many many years. He had lived across the street and all I had to do was shout his name. And, it would typically be on a weekend, and he would appear out of nowhere and plop himself right beside me- to share my laughter and my coffee! Things were so simple and uncomplicated at that time.

"Chaya, guess what? My wife Sonia found a job! I can't believe it, she managed to do it in such a short time". Really Yash, I had done it too. Just that you had not noticed it.

I only said "Fantastic, you deserve to celebrate!" I was happy for Yash - I always was, when good things happened to him!

I was invited over to their anniversary dinner. Wow! what a spread- I said looking at the table laden with a variety of food. Immediately, I heard Yash pick up "Yes Chaya, Sonia has worked very hard to cook all this food!". Yash, I had always worked equally hard, whenever I cooked for you in all these years I have known you.

But, all I said was "Happy Anniversary Yash!". Yes, and I sincerely was happy that my buddy was so content with her cooking. That was the true me.

Who was happy for Yash? Me, or my shadow - as my name suggested? I didn't know anymore.

The rains had stopped. I was too busy to notice the change of season. Work was the only thing I knew these days.

It was 4:00 PM in the afternoon, and I had just heard the news! I had been promoted! I was now the Vice President of the unit I once worked for. It was a big achievement for me! I had to share this news with Yash.

With all the effort it took when one was too excited, I dialed his number. Yash answered the phone on the first ring. Without even waiting for him to say hello, I said "Yash, guess what? I got what I had been aspiring for - my dream come true!".

Yash sounded a little irritated - "Chaya, can I call you back? I'm with Sonia helping her pick a new outfit for her brother's wedding. She will be mad if she doesn't find me right outside the fitting room. I'm sure you understand being a girl!" and he laughed loudly into the phone. What a joke! I said "Sure Yash, I understand. Bye. I'll catch you later". Oh, so he had noticed I was a girl too. But, the similarities to the gender seemed to end there in his mind.

"Chaya, we are planning to do some gardening this summer. Sonia loves to grow everything on her own." Oh really Yash? I'm sure you forgot the herbs and the tomatoes we had grown together a decade ago. I said "That's a good way to use your time during summer". I was happy that Yash had re-discovered his green thumb.

Who was happy for Yash? Me, or my shadow - as my name suggested? I didn't know anymore.

"Chaya, Sonia got a promotion! Can you believe it. Her boss is impressed with the work she delivered. In such a short time Chaya - she is amazing!" True Yash, Sonia was truly amazing - she had delivered everything you spoon-fed her with, in such a short span of time. Did you happen to forget that I had achieved everything on my own? All that I said was "Please convey my congratulations to Sonia!" I was happy that Yash was thrilled with his wife's progress in her career.

Who was happy for Yash? Me, or my shadow - as my name suggested? I didn't know anymore.

"Yash, I need you to take me to the city this evening. I need to attend my boss' wedding reception, and I have to be there. And you know that I'm scared to drive by myself after dark.I'll get someone to drop me off after it is done". Yash was in a rush to meet Sonia at her parents' house. "Chaya, her brother is going off to study in another city. I have to be at their house. Sonia will be upset if I'm not there". Sure Yash, I understand.

Was expecting your childhood buddy to be there for you when you need him - too much to ask for? Maybe. But I was happy that Yash was always smiling these days!

Who was happy for Yash? Me, or my shadow - as my name suggested? I didn't know anymore.

I decided to take a vacation for a couple of weeks. Go far away, and be with myself.

I reached the sea town after driving for a couple of days. All by myself. Stopping at every little place I took a fancy for! I had thoroughly enjoyed the drive.

As soon as I reached the little inn, the owner came into sight and asked me if I needed help with my bags. I gratefully accepted. He introduced himself as Harsh. I met him again during breakfast and got to chat a little about the sites I could see during the day time. He was very helpful, and gave me all the information and even offered to drive me around. An offer I couldn't refuse coming from a local!

Harsh seemed to be a very intense person. He said less, and meant more than what he said. He seemed very genuine. Books were our common interest, and life had thrown many surprises at both of us. We seemed to share a lot in common.

It struck me that when I spent time with Harsh, I laughed easily, was very happy and just seemed to come alive! He was so much like Yash - always brought out the best in me!

It was after dinner that Sunday evening. We were sitting on the balcony and chatting up with a mug of coffee. I always felt very secure in Harsh's company. The night air was warm. There was soft music that wafted through the adjacent dining room. The moon shone bright, and the stars seemed to dance with some mystical glee. Harsh broke the conversation, and softly said "Will you marry me Chaya?" My heart stopped. I shivered for a second - the breeze had picked up and the trees swayed.

Was this true? or was I dreaming?

I only said" Can we talk about it in the morning please?" Harsh simply nodded, got out a light coat, draped my shoulders with it and walked me to my room.

I was shaken. I just lay there thinking - what if I said yes? Would I be betraying myself and all that I still felt for Yash? I heard myself laughed at that idea - Yash of all the people? He was happy and busy and had moved on? So, who was I imagining that I was making the sacrifice for? And what if I said no? I could have my life all to myself. No one would disturb me in my own little shell. I laughed at my own humor!

I called Yash the next morning "Yash, I have to share something! I have a surprise! Yash seemed to have just woken up "Chaya, give me a minute. Okay, now tell me - I had to give this cup of coffee to Sonia. She goes mad if I don't wake her up with this first thing. So, what were you telling me?...." I simply mumbled.."I think I found someone I want you to meet...Never mind Yash. I'll call some other time".

I had broken free! It didn't hurt anymore. The expectations had ended. At last! Yash was happy. So, I think all I needed to do was let him go....

Me and Harsh settled down in the sleepy little town. We had two little angels of our own! Harsh was more than I could ever hope for in a husband! Life sailed on. But, every cup of coffee I sipped while it rained brought memories of Yash back to me.

I always wondered who had lost in the end? Did he lose me as a friend or a special someone? Or had I lost him as a friend or a special someone? I could never find out.

After all these years, Yash had sent his latest pictures - He had his arms around his wife....smiling from ear to ear and he looked content! I was happy after all this for Yash.

Who was happy for Yash? Me, or my shadow - as my name suggested? I didn't know anymore. I didn't care anymore...

What I had missed seeing at the back of one of the pictures were the words "Chaya, I miss you...wish you were here, with me!". Smudged with a tear....

The Lost Time

Amit quickly ran up the stairs and shut the door behind him. He stood there panting, trying to catch his breath and trying to focus on things around him in the room. After a few seconds, he ran to the window that overlooked the street and took a peek. He could only catch a glimpse of Mr.Roy's back. The old man was slowly fading away from sight, walking at a very slow pace, with what seemed like a limp in his left leg.

Waves of mixed emotions engulfed Amit - he just stood there shaking. Anger, hatred, sorrow, helplessness, love and loneliness swept him up in their powerful grasp. He simply let himself be taken over.

He had bumped into Mr.Roy after a long long time. Hadn't seen him or even had as much as a glimpse of him for over two decades now. He had been their neighbor for several years at the time Amit was growing up. A very helpful family - Mrs & Mr.Roy. As Amit crossed the street a little while ago, Mr.Roy had come straight into his face. The older man squinted for a minute against the sunlight and tried to place the face that he had seen long ago, which wore a very mature look now. After a minute, he said "Amit, is that you? Where have you been?" His voice choked with emotion.

Amit on his part simply nodded, turned on his heel and ran up the stairs to his house across the street, as if he had seen a ghost from the past.

As he now stood next to the window, Amit remembered that rainy night very clearly from many many years ago. The night that changed his life - forever. He must have been 9 years old at the time. It had been pouring down for almost 3 days. He had just eaten dinner and was lying down with his mother while she was humming some of his favorite songs for him. There was a soft glow in the room, and his mom's voice floated strong and steady. Amit drifted away - into a state that was in between sleep and being awake. She looked so beautiful to him - his precious mother. He was almost afraid to touch her! For Amit, his mother represented everything that was strong, beautiful, soft, tender, and so full of love, all at the same time. Her very name 'Arpita' was music to his ears. He simply adored her.

Few minutes into sleep, and he was jolted awake by the shrill ringing of the telephone - his mother ran to pick it up. She was silently hearing to the person on the phone speak. Her face began to change colors. She simply stood there sobbing into the phone for a few minutes. She did not say much, put the receiver down, switched on the lights and sat at her reading desk, with her head bent low. He came and asked her what had happened. She simply said - "nothing, it was your papa on the phone". Tears flowed down her cheeks. Amit stood there, helpless; wanting to protect her from all that happened in the last 10 minutes. Their world had changed upside down for some vague reason!

Mrs.Roy their neighbor had seen the lights on and had come to ask if everything was okay. At that point Arpita broke down and explained that Amit's papa had called from another city and had said he was busy with his work and would not return for a few weeks. Everyone knew that he was using work to get away from home, from Arpita and their marriage. Arpita was not stunned, but hadn't expected this either. He was getting bolder about making no bones about their non-existent relationship. Mrs.Roy stayed through the night and kept talking and consoling Arpita.

The next night, Amit lay in his bedroom. They had had a terrible day - his mother had refused to touch food or water. For her, all that she had avoided confronting when it came to her marriage, had turned to black and white - the writing was on the wall. She had to do something now.

He could see the window next to the dining room where his mother now stood gazing at the moonlight spread on the lawn outside. Mrs and Mr.Roy had come over and had eaten dinner with them, to help keep their spirits up. Mrs.Roy was tired and had gone home early to go to bed, since she had stayed up the previous night. Mr.Roy stayed back and now stood next to Arpita. He could see his mother sob. She was a mess since last night. The next instant he saw Mr.Roy hold his mother in his arms and wipe her tears away - gently. They stood there glued together for what seemed like an eternity.

Amit was stunned. He sat up and stared. The act seemed so innocent, yet there was something about it that he hated. It was so spontaneous - one that any human would do for the other in times of need, yet there was a gentleness to it that said a million things. He did not understand what it was, but he hated it! The very sight and occurrence of it!

He got up and was standing at the doorway to his room.Mr.Roy suddenly saw him through the corner of his eye. He quickly let go of Arpita. There was an awkwardness that was palpable. What would happen next?. Instead, Mr.Roy cleared his throat ; simply said - "Good night Arpita - good night Amit. Take care of yourselves", and left.

Amit went to his room and lay down. His mother of all the people in the world? What had happened to life as he knew it a day ago? Everything seemed to go wrong. His mother slowly came to his room - and sat at the edge of his bed. She touched his head and was about to run her fingers through his hair - as if nothing had happened?. He had always loved it when she did that. But now, Amit just pushed her away and turned to the other side. She tried to turn him to her side, but his push again was packed with all that he currently felt. "Go away - leave" he said between clenched teeth. She left.

When Amit thought back, Mr.Roy had always been a part of every scene in their family - his school, his cricket matches, his swimming, in his absent father's place. Always with them, doing something together. He had always enjoyed his company, up until now.

For the next few days Amit hardly saw her face much less said anything to her at all. Arpita had lost a few pounds and looked like a reflection of herself. Unrecognizable.

Amit stayed away. He felt betrayed. He felt she had stooped low. Fallen in his eyes. She was an epitome of dignity for him, and she turned out to be very common. Just like anyone you would meet any common place. His mother, whom he thought was an embodiment of strength, purity and selflessness had turned out to be so predictable, so weak and so selfish.

On one particular night that winter, Amit lay burning with a high fever. His body ached and he felt the chills rake his body. Arpita sat down next to him and tried to sponge him with some water. Amit felt nauseated. He simply pushed her away. Earlier, all he wanted was his mother when he was sick. He just wanted to cuddle up to her and take care of him. Something had broken inside him now. He blamed her for pushing his father away from their nest - she was in some way responsible for him not to have a father figure. He attributed it to her behavior - what he did not know was what had come first. Her behavior or his father's distancing from the family...The fever kept rising...he didn't care.

Arpita was deeply hurt by his resentment, and all that she could do was sob and pray things would change.

She had lost a husband and a son the same night. What woman would be doomed to such fate she thought...

Years rolled by. Amit completed his under graduate degree from a reputed Institute, and got a job offer overseas. Their relation had not improved in warmth, but they were now talking on day to day things. After all, they lived under the same roof - life had to go on. Arpita tried very hard, but was met with equal and stronger resentment every time. She kept trying, praying and waiting...

It was awkward breaking the news to his mother. But as he sat silently eating his dinner, he pushed the offer letter in front of her. She read it and said "So, are you going?". He said "Yes, by the end of this month". This moment under normal circumstances would have been so different. They would be happy and at the same time so upset to be torn away from each other. But now...

The day he was leaving, Arpita was unwell and had a bad migraine. He stood by her bed and in one mad moment wanted to hold her, tell her he would miss her, ask her why she had ruined it all for him, tell her he still loved her. But, he did none of that. He told her he was leaving, and that she could reach him at a telephone number he had written down in the diary next to the phone.And he left.

Months turned to years, and he still felt raw inside when he thought about his mother. He hated her, he loved her, and she was still a part of him. But, he never understood how to deal with the pain he felt. The bile rose in his throat every single time the incident came in front of his eyes. He could never forgive her.

One summer day that year, he received a call from one of his relatives that his mother was in the hospital. Before he could even react, the same relative called a day later to say she was no more. Everything was over - quietly.

Amit went back to his country and his house to wrap up things, and this morning had bumped into Mr.Roy after all these years...

He stood staring out of the window at the moonlight on the lawn - standing all by himself in a dark room. Amit stood there for hours and tried to find a closure.. maybe what she had done or not done was after all human, why had he gone to these lengths to punish her? And punish her for a lifetime? Did he in the end punish himself? It was really not her problem that he idolized her - all she wanted from him was to be loved!

Silently as tears coursed down his cheeks, he thought I should have probably at least once told her that I still loved her, held her hand and asked her to forgive me for all the times I did not stand by her, in times when she needed my shoulder to cry upon....but, what use was it now?

I Wish...

I wish, I wish , I wish ...

How many times have you heard yourself and people around you say this? How many times have you said it yourself in the past 3 weeks?

I wish I had more number of hours in a day
I wish there was no traffic on my way back home
I wish it was not so cold
I wish my headache vanished
I wish my friends didn't play politics
I wish my children were with me always
I wish my co-workers were more sensible
I wish my friends spent more time with me
I wish my spouse took a moment to throw me a loving glance
I wish there was no hatred in this world
I wish I had done better with my career
I wish people around me smiled a lot more
I wish my life was simpler
I wish the world was a better place ...

Could we change any one single thing that you can directly influence, in the endless list above? things that trouble us every single day? Of course, we can. I do strongly believe we can. We can change everything we have a control on, all that pertains to us- one step at a time. In our little world that surrounds us. Think about it - for every trouble that comes our way, there is at least one thing you can do to help yourself to fight it, resolve it. It is all about finding that single thing ! At least we have the power within ourselves to change our own lives - every single day.

While you work on changing what troubles you, there is the other factor of missed opportunities. Factors that will make our tomorrow, while we continue to live them or miss them.

Never deprive yourself an opportunity of grabbing that single thing that can change your life - you blink your eyes and it could very well pass by you. Silently. You will not even be aware of what passed you and what it could have done to you and your life. This is true in our personal and professional lives - every single day.

Change it now while you still have the chance to. While you are still in the moment, and are living it.

Don't lose that moment....for you will never get it back...Have you ever met a person who has lost a beloved - a friend, a brother, a sister, a son, a parent ? Ask them and they will tell you what it means to do what you always wanted to do -right now, without losing a single moment. The hugs they would have given, the fights they would never have had, the bitterness they would never have shown, those special somethings they never shared, all those things undone - just another day, just another minute in their lives would have made all the difference, to tell their special people how truly special they were to them!

Without sounding pessimistic, to put across the reality - we never know what tomorrow holds in store for us. So, maybe we should live our lives doing all those little things today, for which we may not have time tomorrow.

SMILE AND BE HAPPY - IT'S YOUR DAY TODAY!

The Toss of Fate

"Common Rani..catch me if you can..."...Raji kept running through the green pastures by the river. Rani ran as fast as she could- she had the wind in her legs :)

Raji and Rani were the best of friends. Best of friends ever since they had known their own identities. Social status, family situations or the joys and sorrows failed to touch them- their hearts were bound together. More than sisters probably.

Raji's father owned all the villages nearby, and Rani's father served him in his administration.

It was the time in history when industrialization had just begun, and the world was turning upside trying to adjust to the wars, the poverty, and the excitement of the various scientific inventions. The struggle for power and political stability was widespread and seemed to affect the man on the street in every part of the world.

Among all this turmoil, the girls and their friendship remained removed from this time and era.

Panting, they fell to the ground laughing. "Raji, this is not fair. You are too fast for me" complained Rani making a face. "I'am sorry - okay I won't win the next game. Now are you happy? Smile now" said Raji. The sun shone in her golden hair and enhanced her beauty even further. Rani was very simple but very pretty nonetheless.

Just then, they heard a rustle behind the trees, and before they could be up on their feet, were greeted by Sohan. He came out of the clump of trees and immediately stopped in tracks. He muttered an apology and was about to turn - Raji called after him "It's okay Sohan, it is just us. Please join us here". Sohan came by and sat at the edge of the river. The conversation was mellow in the beginning, but they were bonded better by the end of that hour. They split the lunch they had bought with them, and had the greatest time together laughing and joking about everyone around them and the silliest of the things! What a threesome they made :)

Sohan was the new gardener, and took care of the fruit groves. He was tall with very sharp features. Very aristocratic and good looking in his own way, had a royal way of carrying himself. All the girls in the vicinity surely took a second look at him when he passed.

Days rolled by and the time the three spent together increased. But, they had to be careful that the guards did not see them together. If they were caught with a gardener, Raji's dad would slay them on sight. The name and the honor of the aristocratic family mattered more than anything else to him. But, every clandestine meeting was full of fun and frolic yielding the best of times for the three.

That winter, Rani was away visiting her grand parents in another village. As per their routine,Raji and Sohan continued to meet. They met a few times in her absence. What seemed to change now was that there seemed to be a new meaning to their friendship everytime they were together. Raji was complete, confident and self-sufficient in every way. Sohan was reliable, strong and easy going. But, what he may have lacked was knowing what he really wanted in anything he did - Raji more than made up for his weakness.

There was nothing really said - no flowery language, no false promises. But in their hearts they knew that there was something special between them. All they did day after day was to watch the sunset together.

Seasons changed, Rani came back and things were back to normal. The usual running about, the tantrums, and chasing the sheep :)

Raji and Rani were sitting by the fountain one late evening, and Rani suddenly asked -"Raji, do you like Sohan?". Raji simply nodded. They never talked about it again.

They spent their lives together without a care for the world - happiness both self-created and bestowed by fate. Raji was raised by a step mother who hated her to the very core. And Raji on her part did everything she could to pick up every shred of happiness she could lay her hands on ! It was not worth being sad or upset about anything in this lifetime - happiness in every form is to be cherished and celebrated was her philosophy.

On a late Winter evening, when the cattle were returning home with the sun setting in their background, Rani came to Raji and just held her for a brief moment. Raji said "Hey, what is the matter with you - you even have a wonderful mother who loves you. Why are you sad?" She laughed at her own joke. Rani was silent and quietly said "Sohan's father and my father met this morning at the temple. They want us to get married in the summer"

Raji did not move for a split second, then she said "so, why does that have to make you sad - my doll? Can you first smile please?" Rani looked at her perplexed. The she said "Are you okay Raji? You are the one who likes him. How can I take away something that belongs to you?" Raji laughed.

The two friends just sat there crest fallen. They had a problem and no solution. Any solution they came up with would hurt one of them. After what seemed like ages, Raji couldn't take the silence any longer. She suddenly chirped up and said, "how about we toss a coin and decide who gets married to him!" What? Decide your life with a toss? Raji has surely gone crazy with her pain thought Rani.

The got out a gold coin and Raji said "Heads you marry Sohan, Tails I marry him". Before Rani could say anything, the coin was tossed high up in the air - and seconds later started it's descent back into Raji's hand. Rani shut her eyes with fear - fear of facing the moment of truth. Slowly Raji opened her palm - Heads ! Heads it was, and the decision made. For the briefest moment there was a shade of something that passed in Raji's eyes - gone the next second. No one could tell what the feeling was or if there had been anyt emotion there at all.

Rani sobbed and said "I'am sorry Raji. Please do not be angry that I'am taking something that is truly yours". "Sorry for what Rani? How can you take away something from me that never was mine anyway. Fate has a very interesting sense of humor- always. Spices up our lives just when you begin to get bored".

And she thought to herself - you always let go of things that were most precious to you! That was the joy of giving anyway !

Sometimes decisions made on a split second are the most painless. The more time we have to debate on the rights and the wrongs, often enough we humans in our greed to obtain and posses the best of everything, end up making the worst mistakes of our lives. Grab what comes your way, and think that fate has tossed the best pick at you ...Raji laughed and shouted - "Common Rani, don't waste time standing there. Catch me if you can..." She ran as fast as she could...

What happened after that was a whirl wind of events..

They said she'd give up
They said this was injustice
They said someone would regret it
In the end they were all wrong

Raji moved on in life - But every sunset brought with it a barrage of memories...

Like they say Love happens only once. The rest is compromise.

Poem for the Day

A pick from a great Poet - Rabindranath Tagore - Enjoy !

JOURNEY HOME

The time that my journey takes is long and the way of it long.

I came out on the chariot of the first gleam of light, and pursued my voyage through the wildernesses of worlds leaving my track on many a star and planet.

It is the most distant course that comes nearest to thyself,
and that training is the most intricate which leads to the utter simplicity of a tune.

The traveler has to knock at every alien door to come to his own,
and one has to wander through all the outer worlds to reach the innermost shrine at the end.

My eyes strayed far and wide before I shut them and said `Here art thou!'

The question and the cry `Oh, where?' melt into tears of a thousand streams and deluge the world with the flood of the assurance `I am!'

Rabindranath Tagore

Of Strengths and Weaknesses

Did you ever encounter a situation when the reality of one of your strengths turning into your weakness, hit you?
That said, even the reverse holds true in some cases - that of one of your weakness turning to a strength.

Things, people or even relationships that you always pride are your very core strength could potentially turn into the dreaded noose around your neck. If we stepped back and thought about it - what is it that turns them from one to the other, the answer is fairly simple. Expectations!

The minute this element enters any effort, process or a relationship, the end or failure of the same, begins to appear on the horizon. But, is it possible for us humans to alleviate much less remove ourselves from this overriding factor? It is definitely easier said than done. This very factor may also present itself as a motivator, based on previous history of success, in some cases.

Think about it - but is Freedom - freedom in all our interactions, or relations, in all that we say or do- really the opposite of Expectations of all sorts?. Maybe in some vague sense, Yes. But, Freedom, comes with it's own baggage - so the Mantra that works here maybe Moderation - moderation of even the best things in Life!

To quote from Jiddu Krishnamurthy's writings:

Freedom is not a reaction; freedom is not a choice. It is man's pretence that because he has choice he is free. Freedom is pure observation without direction, without fear of punishment and reward. Freedom is without motive; freedom is not at the end of the evolution of man but lies in the first step of his existence. In observation one begins to discover the lack of freedom. Freedom is found in the choiceless awareness of our daily existence and activity.

True North

Click! Anu slowly put the phone down. It was all over...looking out at the distant hills out of the window, Anu let the sob escape her...

Raj and Anu had begun their life together 20 years ago, on a bright summer day. The world seemed to belong to them that day! Their lips could not do justice to the happiness they felt in their hearts, their eyes could not capture the love they shared.


"Anu, where is my phone" - Raj was frantically searching for his wallet and his cell phone. "Clumsy as usual" - thought Anu. When will this mamma’s boy grow up, and what would he do without me:). She found both the things buried in the folds of their leather couch, and put it in her hubby's pocket. Raj was out of the door before she could bat an eyelid - late for a meeting as usual!

The first anniversary meant a lot to both of them! Raj ensured he got her the right color of roses. He even remembered to buy her a book from her favorite author. Anu was simply thrilled.

"Anu, where is my laptop now?"- Raj was irritated. The house never looked the same anymore. Anu had begun to work, and did not have much time to make a museum of it like she always had done before.

"Anu, wake up - quick". She was startled. Raj was shaking her to wake her up. She glanced at the clock. It was 2 AM in the morning. "What happened Raj?" . He sheepishly grinned "Nothing Anu, I just had to talk to you - I have so much going on. How about we chat with a cup of coffee on the patio?". At 2 AM ?. Then she grinned - he is such a baby, she thought.

An unplanned vacation, a stolen day off from work, a quick lunch together - they managed to spend their life as much as they could together. Even did laundry together. Had to be together you see :)

"Anu, where is my suitcase. I need to fly out in the next 4 hours to the company head quarters in Singapore". A trip? on the fly? oh well, she knew Raj. Everything was so spontaneous. The next two days flew by with no news from him. Then a call from the airport - "Anu, I'am coming back. There has been a change in plan". She quickly cancelled her plans to eat dinner with a friend. Wanted to be home when he came back, tired from a trip. Her friend was mad, but she couldn't do much.

Years rolled by, Raj was one of the few important people in his company now. Birthdays and anniversaries came by and went, but there was never time to celebrate them anymore. Flowers and mid-night coffee chats had been long forgotten.

"Anu, where is my.... forget it , I found it myself". Raj stormed out of the house. Late for a meeting as usual. "Raj, I need to talk to you...". He was gone. They had to talk about selling one of their houses in their hometown, and it was an important decision to make. She couldn't do it alone. Later that afternoon, she called him at work. She suddenly remembered something about one of his relatives, and the way he said hello into the phone, and just to pull Raj's leg, she said it into the phone, and began to laugh. "Anu, I'am busy - tell me quickly - else we could talk later. I do not have time for silly jokes..." The phone went mute. She felt something rip through her. What had all this come to? What was more important in our lives than to share a laugh together?

They also had the battle of infertility to fight together. They had been trying to have a baby for over six years now, and it had turned into her struggle somewhere along the way. The disappointments, the reports, the tests - it was depressing.

That week, she went to their hometown. The beautiful little house amidst the mountains worked their magic on Anu. Two days of taking walks all by herself, listening to the sounds of nature, did it! She felt the calm, and just standing by the monolithic rock by the winding path, she made her decision.

Raj picked up the phone and barked into the receiver "Yes Anu, where on the face of the earth are you? who is going to take care of all these bills, and the house if you go away on your vacation? I don't have the time - I have better things to do" . The world will stop without me - Anu silently added to his sentence inside her mind. All she said into the phone was "Raj, I'am not coming back- ever". There was silence. Absolute pin drop silence. "What? you are kidding right?". She just said "No"

She had done it. Simple and straight. There had been no arguments, no fights, no nothing nasty ever. And, everything they had painfully built together, was over - just like that, in a minute! vanished into thin air! They had nothing to share anymore.

The coffee brewed, and the aroma of it wafted through the house and into the little garden behind the house. She poured herself some, and sat by the staircase. Tried to force herself to drink a sip. No, couldn't. Raj loved coffee. She couldn't get herself to drink even a sip of it in the last month. Since the day they had their little phone conversation.

Every little thing went back to Raj somehow. The walks, the coffee, the food, the TV, the books, the rainbows in the mountains, the rain - everything simply reminded her of him.It was simply unbearable.

If he had meant so much to her, why could she have not compromised a little more? why had she wanted her freedom? To do what? Is it that something or someone just grows on you and finally becomes a part of you and your life unknowingly?

It was funny, she thought. You fight through all the odds till you get what you believed would be the solution for all of your problems, and then once you get it, turn around and again fight till you get rid of it. Will we humans be ever happy? Always running behind something we don't have...

"Anu, where is my coffee.." Raj was stunned by the silence that echoed.He was so used to having Anu mother him, take care of him and anticipate his every need. It had all seemed so unimportant at that time. All that had mattered were the profits of his cost center, his company - the charts and graphs.The food, the home she kept, the very things he so took for granted were all long gone.She had silently stood by him, at all times. And now had as silently retreated away, taking away his world with her. He slumped into the sofa, and thought "What had gone wrong?" The smiles, the laughter, everything - sacrificed for what?

The sunset was amazingly beautiful! Anu stood there watching it for a long long time. Everything in nature seemed to be so calm, so contained and so uninterruptible. Sunsets were especially beautiful when you shared it with someone you cared, she sighed. In a mad moment, she wished Raj was here - right next to her. What was wrong with her, she was the one who ran away from him, their life together. And now this? Maybe she had carried things too far, and expected too much from him? But again, was it wrong to expect him to laugh with her once in a way, was it wrong to expect him to pamper her once in a way? Whatever it was, the painful reality was that her life was destined to be with him, he was a part of it, and was meaningless to her now without him. She felt lost - he was her true North!

Everyone of us have something or someone that are our own pivotal points - it is all about finding it or them - finding our own true North !!

She heard a car park infront of the picket fence. Raj came into the yard, and into the house. He stood hesitantly at the door. She had a question in her eyes. He simply said "I've come to take you back". She thought - Can't you say you missed me? Can't you say I'am everything, instead of being so plain. So, practical in every expression? She laughed ! why was she such a dreamer? why did she expect all this. This was him. Simple, plain and practical. And, she knew he was her destiny - there was no other way to it.

She packed, and she was on her way ...back...headed North..with her true North.

Zugunruhe !

The morning Sun seemed to greet all the sleepy heads a very good morning and shone bright and brilliant !!

Anita stood on her terrace this morning right next to the coconut tree and the jasmine creeper, sipping her coffee and digging up all her memories. Summers spent lying on the cool terrace, soaking up the sweet scents of the jasmine, and hiding here on various occasions - to escape from her brother and her cousins who got the wildest satisfaction playing tricks on her, and tormenting her no end through their summer vacations when they met up.

Two months to this day, she had been married to Neel, and they were about to set off to America. Neel had gotten a job with one of the consulting firms there, and was very excited about pursuing a career abroad! He could not wait to leave here, and start his new life. His excitement was very almost contagious. Anita for one was very excited that she was about to start a new life with her beloved husband, and at the same time was a little skeptical of starting it in an alien land - away from her parents, brother, cousins and the surrounding she had grown up in. She had packed and re-packed everything - except for one last box. She hoped to fill it with her memories - little trivia she had collected over the years. Little things that were a part of her life!

She opened the trunk that was carefully stashed away in the back of the attic, and went "AAcchoooo"! Ah, so much dust had collected on the top since she had last opened it - probably 8 years ago :) In there, lay little pencils, crayons, erasers, beads, feathers, comics and most precious of all the Rhine stones she had painfully collected as a child! And how proud she was of her collection! She put everything she wanted in the last unpacked suitcase and smiled when she thought of Neel's reaction- he would certainly scream!! But well, she needed to carry at least a part of her past with her - the familiarity comforted her. She was she, and needed these to be herself. She would pacify Neel :) She came bounding down the stairs and sat by the sofa. On the floor lay that day's newspaper, and something on the front page caught her attention - it was an article on "Migratory Birds" !! Complete details on how some birds flew very very long distances during particular seasons.

On the other side of the globe in California, Mr.Pai heaved a sigh as he put the folder away and set his glasses on the coffee table. At last, they were almost ready. He and his wife were away from their land of birth for almost 40 years! It was a long time to spend in an alien country when all that they had come for was to see the world for a year or two at the maximum. They did not realize how time had flown and how they gotten deeper and deeper into various commitments, and had almost forgotten their resolve to head back home! Two full time jobs, two beautiful, bubbly daughters to raise, a suburban home to keep and the commute kept their hands overly full. When they got a moment to breathe and thought of home, they always felt something tug - tug in the pits of their stomach. But, they had to wait for all these years for their little princesses to grow up, finish college and settle down.

Well, all that was done now, and they had the time to think of themselves and how they would spend the evening of their lives together. That is when without the slightest disagreement, Mrs & Mr.Pai had agreed that they had to go back - back to their motherland! Go back to where they came from - their very roots. The pull was too strong now - too much to ignore.

The grandfather clock in the hallway struck ten o'clock, and Mr.Pai decided to call it a day. On the way out, he picked up the newspaper of the day. The headlines caught his attention - it was a detailed article on the life of "Migratory Birds"! He stood there in the center of his huge drawing room with a ceiling that seemed to soar towards the sky - he stood there all alone right in front of a family picture, a picture full of smiling, happy people- people from his past, who seemed to be beckoning to him now.

Somehow the life of a migratory bird, and the lives of humans seemed synonymous to him - the restlessness seemed comparable. It was interesting to him to think how humans were so skeptical of changing their own habitat, fearful of a new surrounding. These birds migrated every season, with no fear or inertia. Why are we humans so complacent? And why do we fear change in all forms? Maybe because we have complicated our own lives, and created our own imaginary fears. And we indulge ourselves in breaking these self-created barriers!

The term "Zugunruhe" came to him - something that meant migratory restlessness, as told by his German friend and co-worker Rainer!

A tear coursed down his now crinkled cheek - he had taken so long, so long to go back. His mother had made him promise he would be back within two years - but ... time had just flown. Nothing was stopping him now- he was on his way back, but to an empty home. His mother was not there waiting for him- she had long since passed away. But, he had memories of his land - the scents, the people, the bonds and the familiar surroundings to hold on to, as they together walked hand in hand into the sunset of their lives....

The Story Writer

I just finished writing, and put my pen down. Phew! It always exhausted me writing a story - I lived and re-lived my characters. Played with them, turned them upside down in my mind, and did what I had to do with them - I was in control, it was my world! Entirely my very own.

I suddenly realized that I was late for my dentist appointment. It was noon already, and I hadn't had anything to eat or drink since I had woken up. Writing was a passion for me, and I felt obsessed when I was in the middle of writing one of my stories.I forgot all about food and sleep in the process :)

Looking at the clock, I had a full two hours before I got to the dentist. So, I quickly showered, dressed and ate a light lunch of a salad and a piece of brown bread with it. I washed it down with a glass of lemonade. I decided to stop at the local grocer to pick up the ingredients for my dinner this evening - I was having my best friend Pam over this evening. It was her birthday after all, and I wanted to do something special for her.

I stopped at the store in five minutes, and went straight to the produce section, and picked up asparagus, sweet potatoes and beets. I was grilling all the vegetables just like she liked. Then came Caramel Custard for desert! Yum I loved it too, just like Pam did :) Vanilla beans, whole milk and eggs is all I needed. It was while I was picking up the eggs, I felt a sense of 'deja vu' about the whole thing. I heard a kid run past me vrooming like an airplane, and almost bumped into me! I quickly stepped out of his way, and he was followed by his mom dressed in a pair of jeans and a white shirt. Gosh! their was something so very familiar about this whole scene.

Silly, I thought and brushed aside the whole thing. I landed up at the dentist. While I waited, my mind went back to the same scene,over and over again and the funny feeling I had was that I had seen the whole thing somewhere! It was too familiar. While I looked out of the window, and my mind ticked away - it came to me! Ah! that's it! the mom running after the boy was none other the heroine of my latest novel - Maya! But, why was Maya here? She was busy at a tech conference happening in New York - and that too in my novel. I hadn't written beyond that. How could she be here, and without my permission?

I was called inside the dentist's office. The wisdom tooth hurt. The pain was almost unbearable.I said the same to the doctor.He nodded and gave me something to ease the pain away- at least for sometime.The doctor's assistant casually conversed, and said "so, what are you doing this summer?" I immediately heard myself say "whatever my kids want to - maybe go away to a summer house on the beach". She nodded and left the room. I was shocked! What did I just say? Whatever the kids liked? I never had any kids - so which kids was I talking about? But this was exactly what Maya had said to her friend two chapters ago - in my novel!

I left the dentist's office and almost ran to my car. I was confused. I just decided I needed to take it easy now. The pressure was getting to me. Not worth it. I was just about to pass the mall. Instead, I thought it would do me good to stop by, have fun shopping and in the mean time pick up something for Pam for her birthday.

As I did some window shopping, I became aware that there was a little boy smiling and staring at me.Then I saw his grandmother trying to take him away from me and in a rush to go into the jacket store. I entered the store too, and thought I should buy a light jacket for myself. I liked a red jacket, and trying it on, I looked into the mirror. I looked stunning! The assistant helping around asked "for what occasion do you need a jacket for?" I quickly without missing a beat, replied "for a conference in New York". I walked out of the store with a daze - conference? what conference? I was a school teacher - just a plain school teacher surviving the summer vacation!
Lonely and bored - with no family and friends to share it with.

I sat there in my car parked under the tree .It had begun to rain- a mid summer shower. I sat there thinking, watching the rain. Wondering what was happening with me, and what had gone wrong. I just sat there for maybe hours and thought that somewhere along the way I had begun to live my characters - they had taken me over. I was not in control anymore - they controlled me now!

After what seemed like ages, I made peace - with myself. I had a smile on my face. I decided to quit writing - I would get my life back. I would not let my characters rule me - never.

I felt happy and light and relieved. I did not have to worry about anything now. No characters, no publishers and no more stories. I had my life back, and I would live it to the fullest, the right way!

The lights on the skyline twinkled...

Bollywood Songs- Uncensored !

This morning on my drive to work, I turned on my CD player in the car - I was on my way to the school to drop off my 4 year old.

The song that came on was from one of the latest Bollywood movies called Dhoom2 - so my 4 year old sings along "S.xy lady on the floor...". It was nauseating to hear such adult language from the mouth of a four year old.

That was what got me thinking - if one has cared to hear some of the latest songs that are belted out in the Bollywood movies - specially the ones in the last 8 years or so, you can see that they use language that is not commonly used.

On my last trip to India and specifically in a marriage, I saw little children dancing away to songs whose lyrics did not quiet suit them. Songs that did not make sense to them , nor looked good when they were gyrating away to wordings that were way above their innocent ages. What is more weird is that parents today are encouraging their children to go this route - this probably includes all of us!

Now who is responsible for writing the lyrics to these songs? Is there some kind of censorship exercised on them at all? Do they have any social responsibility at all, or is it that all they care about is their album being sold?
It may sound hypocritical to say the above, in an era when the counter argument could very well be that information should be widely and freely available to all - unbarred.

This menace of inappropriate lyrics is true specifically for songs originating from Bollywood. When you want to hum the latest song, you may want to watch your audience, because the wordings may not be all that hummable :)Maybe they should start rating (U, PG13 etc.) the songs too like the way they rate movies going forwards!

I must say that the music has definitely gotten better over the years, in terms of various instruments used, the technology used to get the effects and everything, but it has dragged down the lyrics in it's climb. Well, maybe you cannot have the best of both - and like they say good things could corrupt the world too!

Beauty Mantra

Here are some quick beauty tips - I was intending to say these are specially aimed at my female readers, but that is not true anymore in an age where men are getting regular facials and even getting their eye brows threaded ! So, use these tips as you please :)

*Have a party to go to, and don't have time for a facial ? Take a spoon of sugar, and scrub for two full minutes on a wet face. Rinse with cold water, and be ready to face the glow !
*Tomato is a great home made astringent
*Take a spoon of Papaya pulp, a spoon of cold milk, and half a spoon of honey. Mix and apply to face. Leave the mask on for at least half hour. The skin glows right after you rinse away !
*Crushed fenugreek seeds mixed with some yogurt is excellent for dandruff and for general hair health.
*A drop of lemon if used to rinse off your shampooed hair ensures a sheen to the mane :)
*Don't throw away an over ripe banana. It makes an excellent face mask. Mush and apply and rinse after 20 minutes.

try the above for now, and more tips to follow in subsequent articles...

Things that people say !

Today being a Monday morning, was as crazy as any other. I was busy getting my little one down and out of the car seat and at the same time convincing her that all big girls don't have to do everything on their own - that's when I heard a familiar voice behind me.

I was half inside the car, and half outside, struggling with the car seat belt. It was one of the moms I usually ran into every morning, and she was asking, “How are you doing” and breezed past me. Gone before I could bat an eyelid! It was as if she was never there. I had by now, come out of the car and was struggling to get the door shut without hitting the neighbor’s car, as the parking spot had said “Compact, and I still had ventured parking my car into the spot.

Now, I wanted to tell this lady all the hundred reasons why I was having a bad morning. A splitting headache, a sleepless night since the kiddo tossed due to a stuffy nose, a husband on the side who snored away, aching legs, hungry growl in the stomach since there was no time for breakfast, a bad hair day, or the fact that I was cold in a skirt – a bad choice on a rainy day!

I always wonder when people ask each other how the other is doing or Wassup - do they really ask because they care? If they do, they never really stop to find out. But, I assume it’s more for the formality. What use is this formality anyway? Why waste your time saying things you don’t mean and don’t have the time to follow through anyway?

I recently took a class, and the instructor taught things that were obsolete, but had to because it was part of the curriculum. So, every time he taught an obsolete command from the text book, he would say “If you ever use this syntax in real life, send me an e-mail”. Now, it tickled my imagination every time he said it. I sat there thinking, what will he do if everyone of us in the class uses one of these commands every single day, and sends him an e-mail? What’ll he do in the end with all those e-mails? Again, I realize it’s an expression he uses, but why say things you don’t mean? Who’s putting a gun to our heads to do these things?

All of us say and do things we really don’t mean or care about every single day of our lives. I know that there is no way out since we live in a society that is bound by rules – the very rules that were created by us. But, now the rules rule us, humans!

So, the next time you say something you really don’t mean – think of this article you have spent time reading. Look at your self in the mirror and try to be honest at least to yourself – believe me, you will be a happier person!!!