[Part I] - A Fist Full of Memories

"Sorry Chinni Ma" - the card read. Just seeing it and touching the card sent a shiver up my spine.

I found it afterall these years buried in a book that Varun had been reading.

Varun - my son. My step son to be politically correct. My biggest joy from my marriage to Arvind.Varun was Arvind's son from a previous marriage - he was about ten years younger than I was.

Arvind's first wife Charu was diagnosed with Multiple-Sclerosis, and had lost her mind dealing with it. Over time, she drove herself to a point of no return, and enstranged herself from all around her, till she ended her life on a summer morning...the day of her anniversary...it was 25th of May that day.

May 25th - a dark day in Varun's life...

People made their judgements of whether what she did was right or wrong, if she was good or bad, if she cared enough for her family or not. For her, nothing had mattered, she did what her heart had told her was right - she did what she believed was right...

While she was alive, in the process of suffering, Charu had forgotten that she had a baby, and had made Varun crave for maternal love...she did everything she could to drive him away from herself - maybe she thought it was better that way. who knows what she was thinking...

Me, a burden to poor parents, was married off in a rush to Arvind the minute I completed my graduation. Who cared what I had wanted in life? So, before I knew what had hit me, I found myself in a picture frame next to Arvind dressed in fine bridal attire. I looked beautiful, but if someone had paused to see my eyes, they would have seen the pain in my eyes - behind the kohl(kajal) that was used to decorate them.

The first day I landed there, Varun refused to talk to me. He sat next to me at dinner that night, but refused to acknowledge even my presence. As the meal progressed, I noticed that he hated vegetables, and was trying hard to swallow the carrots on his plate and looked like he would throw up - I quietly tugged at his hand under the table, and told him to pass the small pile to me. Quietly the carrots dissappeared into the trash! A secret pact was struck at that instant between me an Varun...

Since then, a million incidents tied us together - I forgot that Varun was not even born to me! We were the best of buddies...we shared little joys, silly secrets, and everything else that could tie two humans in our situation together.

On some nights after our meal, he would say "Chinni Ma, can I put my head on your lap and sleep for a few minutes?" On the terrace, he would bury his head in the pleats of my saree, and lay there looking at the stars - after what would seem like hours, I would feel his tears as they wet my saree. Those would be some days when Varun missed his mother, did not relate to his stranger father, and I really woulnd't know what troubled his little heart. He held on to me like a person drowning in a turbulent river would hold onto a branch of a tree. All I was aware was that this was a person who needed me, was someone who held on to me, and I meant something to him..

I called him my Prince...my baby.


"Chinni Ma, can you make me a cup of coffee please -half a cup only". "Chinni Ma, I want to join the literature club". "Chinni Ma, I've topped in the class again! Are you happy?" "Chinni Ma, I think I like this girl in my music class - what do you think of her?" "Do you think I did a good job Chinni Ma?".....always seeking my approval, my consent, my appreciation...

Right out of college, Varun found his first job in the City and moved out. The phone calls started to pour in - "Chinni Ma, guess what happened today..." I sat there wondering most nights - did my Prince have his dinner, did he like his new office, were people around him being nice to him...I had tranformed into a mom! A mom to my Prince...

[To be Continued....]

Relationships

A quote from Jiddu KrishnaMurthy on what relationships are:

"It is only when we see without any preconception, any image, that we are able to be in direct contact with anything in life. All our relationships are really imaginary – that is, based on an image formed by thought. If I have an image about you and you have an image about me, naturally we don’t see each other at all as we actually are. What we see is the images we have formed about each other which prevent us from being in contact, and that is why our relationships go wrong."

Ten Heads

Further to my previous post on this subject, the pain has really left a scar...we as a family feel it even now...

My little one wants to see this person and keeps asking for him, rather them...and the other weekend, when she said she has to talk to him right now, I had to sit down with her and explain to her that they don't want to talk to us now, because they kind of are not our friends anymore..and that upset her little heart. Mind you, these were friends of the family, and being suddenly in a position where she can't talk to him was very difficult for her to comprehend.

So, she pauses and thinks for a second, and says - "Is he now a bad guy like Ravana(an Indian mythological demon with ten heads who dis-honors Sita in the epic Ramayana) now? " For lack of better answers, I said "Kind of maybe"...

She stops playing with her doll, and with a very serene expression declares -
"Mama, I think God will punish him and he will grow ten heads soon".
I was surprised why she thought he would grow ten heads - and asked her the same. So, her answer was "Mama, that way the other good people will know he is a bad guy by looking at his ten heads, and stay away from him..."

I didn't know what to say...

But like innocence always triumphs...she still wants to see how this person looks now - now that he has turned into a different person we don't know anymore...

That's us - And me?

I'll wait with all my patience in this lifetime to see if this person grows those ten heads! Who knows...

Till then...take care of yourselves and your loved ones...

Of Liars, Cheats and Every day Heroes

We think heroes and villains exist in books and classics right? - No, they are here, amidst us - people who do the greatest sacrifices, the best for the others and still silently suffer all the misery and wounds inflicted by the others - the everyday villians who roam the earth untamed and their monsterous best...

Last week, while in the cafeteria, I met a friend whose little 3 year old was recently diagnosed with leukemia - just the sight of her shook me to the core, wanting to hold her crying for the misery she had to undergo - it felt so unfair...But, she was calm and wanted prayers from everyone - that's all. So calm and composed -I thought to myself that this was a hero - standing rock solid, and unwavering in the storm of bad times...

While people like the above fought valiantly the bigger miseries that life had to offer, an acquaintance recently joked that there should be a competition held countrywide to see who could lie the most...and little did I know that I would be thrown in situation with this person where I could see him lying through his teeth!

I thought I had seen it all - the worst that life had to offer - but I was wrong. I was once again chosen to be witness to the biggest let down, and at the same time be crucified and be called a hero!

I was conveniently made a part of a family melodrama - where I was taken advantage for being a good human and my trust and my belief in everything called a good relationship was torn to shreads with one sweeping gesture. For no fault of mine, I was hung - alive! The whole conversation was full of lies and baseless promises and that too coming from a person who I had thought was a great human and was made to realize was empty inside and had the lowest levels of integrity.

It shocked me, it surprised me, it hurt me, it catapulted me into unknown lands of pain and suffering - all for what? for trusting someone?

And with me, I dragged down my husband who had at all trying times stood rock solid next to me with all his love and with a hand around my shoulder. Never did he question me, or be angry with me - not because he does no love me. But, actually on the contrary because he loves me - that I call as strength of character. The other person whose little world I had rocked for an insensitive human, was my percious daughter - she doesn't know what has rocked the boat. But, she sure came up to me last night and wiped my tears saying " mama, I had so much milk today - I will surely grow strong and punish this bad person who is making you cry so much". This is what I call love - innocent and complete with no expectations whatsoever.

And this was a person who had pestered us to help him with his resume, had stayed in our home till 1AM in the morning to get essays written for him to apply to a business school, borrowed money from us and the list is endless - what a shame!. And, now suddenly they realize that they don't want to share their world with us? who gave them the permission to start when they wanted to and end when they wanted to?

I don't want to be a saint - I want to stand up and tell the world - tell that I was pushed into this, tell that I was used for everything that was meant to be gained, I was taken advantage of, and now when the time to stand by values, and tell the truth had come - this human chose the convenience of a lie...to conveniently continue to lead a life of so called bliss...

And the person has the audacity to stand around and laugh as if nothing happened...one of these days, I will walk up and scream the truth for the world to hear...

The beauty of it continues - when I went to talk to this person after a couple days, to find out what exactly had happened behind the scenes, I saw him again caught in a web of lies, continuing with his false promises while on the phone. He did not have the courtesy nor the courage to sit with me, look me in the eye and take the time to explain his wrong doing, and apologise for what he did to save a situation...he simply cried...for who? for the situation, for himself or for me? I don't know...

what kind of people are these? where do they come from? and where will they go? what are they made up of?

I pity them, I really do - I pity their weaknesses, their greed, their lose characters and their fake relationships - I will continue to forgive them - I will not bear any hatred nor wish them anything wrong. why? because I cannot be them and I do not want to be them - I want to be able to teach my child the good values of life - first hand not just in theory.

But, I hope sincerely that the greater force that rules this world, and we refer to as God is watching this injustice, this deceit and the lies and will surely do justice - will surely make them pay for the tears of blood shed by so many people hurt by them, make them realize that it is not enough to think they are smart to cheat people, and that they need to be human first...

I want the heroes to be cared for and the villains to be dealth with...for all the right reasons...

I have the faith that goodness will prevail - in all times and at all costs! For nothing else, but simply so that good people don't dissappear from the face of the earth, for the fear of being hurt...

The day will come...

Weaknesses

My little one came out from hiding behind the curtain...and she did not want to look me in the eye..and guess what? Sure enough, she had been eating candy and hated the fact that I had caught her. She immediately fell to the floor, kicked her tiny feet in the air, and screaming at the top of her lungs with her eyes closed shut!

I lost my temper, but immediately stopped myself - I just stood watching her and seeing what she was upto. When there was silence, and she saw that there was no sound in the room, she opened one eye just to check if I was looking at her or not...

I smiled to myself- and thought...wow! what a smart move! So, now instead of me scolding her for eating the candy, I would be pacifying her to keep her from crying and screaming!

In the end, I just held her and calmed her down. Then, she asks me "Mama, do you still love me?" Now, is this innocence or what? A minute ago I was dealing with a strategist, and now with this ball of innocence - I told her "Ofcourse, heartbeat - mama will always love you - no matter what"

She immediately breaks into a giggle and puts her right hand out - "okay mama, since you love me, can I get another candy P-L-E-A-S-E". ouch! I fell for it again! straight into her net :-) Now, I was negiotiating....then, I was blamed that I never gave candies, and that Nandini's mom always took care of her, gave her chips and coke and other junk that "big" people ate - and that it was my fault that everyone in the class called her a baby...She was only trying to grow up and be a "big girl"...

Life was good after the second candy...but, it got me thinking that aren't we all humans the same? We show our own faults to the others as their faults...

Why are we always trying to show the bad side of the other person - where, a situation arises - even a hairline crack appears like a crater!

Life is way too short...forgive, and let go...and then take a look at yourself in the mirror - you will see a beautiful person there - radiant and smiling!!!

Do Disposables Have a Heart too?

When was the last time you used a disposable fork and a knife? today, yesterday or a little while ago?

Next time you use it and are about it to throw it out - stop for a second and think - is it even remotely possible that even these disposables have a heart? How would they feel when they are used and thrown away because you no longer need them?

Funny - right? May not be - stop and think. Maybe that is what you are doing to someone else too. Is it even right?

Point to ponder...

Coup de grâce

I sat on the porch, sipping my coffee and watching my two grandchildren play in the front yard. A perfect summer afternoon. The setting sun was so very synonymous to my own life too. I smiled to myself.

Ravi and Ria were my son's children, and my only excuse to my prolonged existence. Life seemed to bestow upon me, years after years. Though they were 12 and 9 years of age respectively, they fought as if they were pre-schoolers.

"Grandpa...grandpa...Ravi killed the limping grasshopper. Can you believe it grandpa? How cruel can one be.I had only this morning decided to call the grasshopper Rosie, and had planned on how I could be her doctor and make her all well again. Ravi is terrible grandpa..." This was followed by loud sobs and a bigger tantrum.

I put my coffee cup to the side, cleaned my glasses, and put them back on. I got up, and went in to join everyone for dinner. Somehow, tonight I did not have the heart to finish what was on my plate. Without a second helping, and a cursory 'excuse me', I washed my hands and came back out onto the porch and sat on the swing. This had now become my favorite spot in the house.

The moon had risen high, and there was a gentle breeze. It was a typical summer night. I was lost in my thoughts - the past and the present seemed to be getting mixed up, and there was a blurr..

Soft gentle steps woke me from my cat nap, and I saw that Ria had come and sat down next to me with her feet propped in my lap. This was her way of feeling secure. The incident from the evening had visibly disturbed her. I cleared my throat, and said "Ria, aren't you sleepy sweetheart?" She shook her head.

"Grandpa, won't God punish Ravi for killing the grasshopper? Isn't it wrong grandpa? It was such a helpless creature, couldn't even walk. why did he have to do it?"

It seemed to touch me deep down somewhere. I could not stop myself anymore and I said "Ria, maybe he actually helped the little creature by doing so. It would have suffered with that broken leg, and would have died anyway without food and water. Have you thought of that?". She almost jumped in anger "grandpa, there you are - you are taking sides. You think Ravi is always right".

"No Ria, I'am not sweetheart. I'm sharing a lesson from my life with you baby". The pain and the tremble in my voice was palpable. She just sat there looking at me, and waiting for me to continue...

I was a neuro-surgeon with a great practice in the big city. Life was good, with a home, a wife, and two beautiful children. God seemed to have nothing else to do except wait for me to wish something, and he grant it immediately :-) Well, that's what it felt like when everything I did translated to riches - they said I had the Midas touch!

When I reached the hospital on that winter morning in January, I was shocked to see Saroja and Dilip. Saroja was on the stretcher and Dilip was on her side. Grim and impersonal as usual. It took me all the strength I had to not scream and cry out louad. My Saroja. I was shivering. Lying there unconscious - seeing her after all these years, and in this state?

I learnt that Dilip and Saroja were involved in an accident that morning on the way to their village and were brought to my hospital. The next few days passed quickly with quiet a few surgeries for Saroja, and one for Dilip. The discouraging part was that Saroja was not responding to anything - neither surgery or medicine. I was doing everything all my degrees had ever taught me, I spoke with all the good doctors I knew, and struggled with every bit of information I could collect which would in some way help her. I wasn't getting lucky. My tears and prayers were in vain too - God seemed to be busy now...

For that matter, I was never lucky - never where Saroja was involved. She was my classmate in school, and my neighbour too. Predictably, we had been in love for a few years even when I was completing my medicine, and she her degree course in literature. Her father who was a doctor too, helped me in all my studies and was greatly responsible for me to pass my exams with flying colors. But, upon bringing up the subject of marriage, our families made it very clear that nothing of that sort would be done - not even in their imagination.

In a few months, Saroja got married to Dilip and moved away to his village. Life seemed empty, useless and not worth living. But, I had to live on - and soon settled down with my responsibilities. But, not a single day passed without thinking of her. My wife knew about her, and forbade all contact with her. I tried telling her that I should keep at least a cordial relationship with them for the sake of gratitude and decency. But, it fell on deaf ears. The more she disliked Saroja, the more I dis-liked her - she did not realize this fact till she lived. Days kept rolling - I heard from one of the neighbours that Saroja was not well cared for by Dilip. I also heard that she was treated very badly by her in-laws too. After a few years learnt that she had two children of her own...and now this.

I sat by her bedside and kept looking at her beautiful face. Soft and gentle. Her lips had a smile hidden behind them even in this unconscious state. As I sat there, I felt that I was responsible for not taking a firmer stand in getting married to her - felt responsible for not being firmer with my wife, and had been in touch with her. Time had flown, and life had silently passed by - and who were the losers? Nobody but Saroja and me. I wish I had realized all this before today - before she was in this state where nothing mattered...I wish I had shared more laughter with her...

The panel of senior doctors gave their final verdict this morning - nothing could save her. It was all over. She could continue to live on a life system, but her brain was not alive anymore - just her body was. She did not have control on anything, and no feelings...nothing mattered anymore...

A week passed, and I clearly saw that Dilip was growing impatient with the circumstances. He seemed to question me every time our eyes met. He wanted to know what would happen now. What would he have to do with his wife now?

My heart seemed to burst with the pain and anxiety I felt just seeing her in that state - forget about thinking into the future. But, as a doctor I knew that I had to give her back to her family - to Dilip.

I could not sleep for the next couple of days. I had to decide. Make a decision for her - for me. For once, I had to stand up for her - at least now.

The Sun shone brighly as it rained. It was about 3PM in the afternoon. The sunshine and the rain-it was a weird sight. Nature seemed as confused as me. I quietly walked into the room where Saroja lay. I gently touched her cheek. I then touched her feet - just like the way I used to play with her toes when we were together, and she used to giggle. I pushed her hair away from her face and kissed her forehead. I whispered into her ear that I loved her and will always love her - and that I would be with her for all lives to come and if there was such a thing as re-birth. I then took a deep breath, and held her hand in mine. With my other hand, and with a determined move, switched off the life system she was on. Everything beeped for a second, and I thought she would just wake up and giggle - but nothing happened. Everything went silent - all I could hear was the ceiling fan. That's all it took. That was the end. In a few seconds, her hands went limp in mine.

My Saroja - I had let her rest in peace.

The years that followed were a nightmare. Guilt ruled my life. Then there was this side of me, which argued that if I had let her go back to Dilip and his family, her state would have been even worse. Maybe / maybe not. I don't know. Maybe her children would have cared for her? I don't know. Why didn't I think of keeping her with me? How could I? I don't know maybe I should have stood up for once and taken a stand. Well, I had taken a stand for her. Then I would think - taken a stand by doing what I did?

I do not know what is right or wrong anymore - but all I know is that I did what I did as someone who loved her, and maybe what a doctor would have done/ should have done.

I did not realize that tears were streaming down my cheeks and Ria had put my head on her little lap. She seemed to understand what I was going through. She rubbed my back and sat there silently. After what seemed hours, she simply said "Don't worry grandpa, you were not wrong".

My little Ria - she had suddenly become my mother, my daughter and my best friend. I had to journey through life with all the pain curdled up inside me to this day and now - open up my heart to my little Ria.

But she understood - as no one would probably ever have. The swing kept rocking gently, and the moon was hidden behind the clouds. The breeze was cooler now...

I don't know for how long I slept that night on my little Ria's lap...but today, I have the courage to look at my own eyes, and I have the courage to smile...I have the courage to live. I have the will to live - I have to live - for my little Ria!

The First Rain

Rain, rain, go away,
Come again another day.
Rain, rain, go away.
Come again some other day.
Little Me wants to play,
In the meadow by the hay.
Rain, rain, go to Spain...

Pitter..Patter..Pitter..Patter..the children's voices ring..and fade away...

The mud puddles everywhere, the school children walking back from the school, squeaking with delight every time one of them takes a jump in the water or a car passes by splashing water over them...

The first raindrops falling onto the parched land, the cool breeze and the smell of the earth! were just enough to bring out the element in me. No wonder I was a girl with the water sign. The sea, the waves, the rain everything transformed me into someone else in those few moments of laying my eyes on them.

I so vividly remember that we were in college, and the rains meant something else to me and my husband - well, not my husband at that time of course! We would sit for hours in the canteen, sipping the most horrendous tea, as if it was unadulterated nectar served and chat as if there would never be another day come by to talk our hearts out.Nostalgia - there is no cure for it!

Getting married, and moving on with our careers, we still continued to make the rainy days very special. Piping cups of coffee, sitting by the window and chatting up on the philosophies of life which by now had changed a little for both of us, somehow made rainy days very welcome.

Somewhere along the line, seasons came and seasons went, and we got busy settling our nest. Little fledgelings came to the focus and stayed there, we forgot what rains or any other seasons meant anymore.

After a decade of being married, we saw the first rain again one Sunday this season and for old times sake thought about taking a ride in the car. Just being alone in the car together felt awkward enough to even start a conversation. Every topic felt it was not worth being discussed after what we had to go through to get this time together again. He cleared his throat a million times making me wonder if he was coming down with a throat infection, which pressed the panic alarm in my mind - his infection would get passed on to the little one, and that meant at least 4 to 5 days of absence from work. So, I initiated the conversation and asked, "Are you okay?". He said "Yeah, just some allergies I guess". I accepted that.

These days, I have gotten used to accepting everything everyone tells me at face value. Either everyone around me has suddenly grown smarter, or I have comprised with life. Don't really know what happened, but the silliest explanation a friend gives about why I never got a call from that person for the longest time was gracefully accepted by me after months of fighting. Little does that person realize that it's not the replies that have gotten convincing, but it the fact that I have begun to realize that you cannot force anyone to do anything for you - and that this feeling may cease one day. The risk seems to be lost to oblivion.

Back in the car- my husband spoke about his work, his co-workers, his marathon and also what he thinks we should be doing next summer. He told me that we never got to talk much these days because he was so busy, how his life was full of tensions, and how people in his life were taking up too much time.

I just smiled and looked out of the window - who's life these days was simple? Mine, yours or anyone you or I know of? Nobody. All of us are a part of the rut - running away from self-created monsters and chasing our self-imagined dreams.But, still somewhere along we had bothered to tell another person that we had cared for each other, and what had suddenly changed? Was it even fair to change priorities without being informed? Even in a Kindergarten classroom, the five year old is warned that she/he will not be the star of the week in the coming months. That puts expectations right - don't you think. What gave the other person the right to change plans for the other just because...

All that I had wanted for him to say was "I miss you when it rains. I miss the time we shared together. Can we share a cup of coffee today?"

I know it will come...till then me and my coffee cup with share a thousand secrets...

A Beautiful Rainbow

Groucho Marx once said: "The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

A good friend of mine sent this ...dedicated to all the wonderful and all the not-so-wonderful people I know...

The most beautiful rainbow

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.
You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time.
You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.
You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.
You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.
So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because
every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

Loyalty...

I have had various definitions to this word as I was growing up. At one stage of my childhood, it was about having someone as your best friend, then at one point when I was heart-broken with all my friends who didn't turn out to be "loyal" in terms of she didn't play with me today, he didn't lend me this comic to read first etc.,etc.
came in the philosophy - that no humans are worth being trustworthy - I believed in the saying that man's best friend can only be his/her pet etc.

Then came the years of college - and with it the burden of troubled hormones! Every small thing was a big deal! She said this, he said that, Mom frowned, Dad was angry, the neighbor cracked a joke on me, my brother did not think I looked cute in my new skirt and what not. So, everyone who did not make it to my favorites list for the day or even that hour at times, were added to the dis-loyals list :-)simply and brutally...
At time even felt like I had the burden of the whole world on my tiny (well, tiny compared to now :-) shoulders.
Little did I know that I had come hardly any distance in Life, and there was so much more to be seen yet...

The marriage phase set in, and came with it a newer definition of loyalty. Hubby said this, and didn't say that, he loves-me, he loves-me-not, in-laws said something, the sister-in-law was always grumpy, and never was nice to me, and the hubby didn't react to the insults she threw at me - in totality made up the baseline for the favorite people of that week or the month. And, thus evolved the loyals list - yet again. And re-defined!Simply and brutally...

The parenting phase followed. And with it the sleepless nights, and the diaper changes at the oddest places and times, including the teeny toilet of the aircraft, which I bet cannot accommodate beyond a normal sized butt :-) Thank God, I fit in - but changing the baby in that space was a hellish experience. And the chore of coming home from a full day's work and going through the not-so-great experiences with some of the blokes in other teams, only to find the baby in a rotten mood - makes you go with all that you have inside you at least what you have left, and you will want do anything you have to calm things at home. End of the tussle, a happy baby, and a happy husband - things being finally under control, kind of puts your faith back in the bigger force of nature! Yes, there is God, and he is watching and he takes care of you!.
Okay, so when the baby grows, and gives that tight big hug and the cutest smile to the dad - takes his side, after all that was done for her as described above by you, it simply felt like there was no definition what so ever for the term loyalty at all!

Every time I attempted describing it, I thought I had done and had it wrapped up - but had to do it all over again only too quickly..

It sets me thinking - is there anything called loyalty at all? Is it right to expect this in return at all from anyone in this lifetime?

Everyone uses you for something or the other - after all, it is the era of "Use and Throw". But guys, don't let the philosophy that every man's best friend is an animal since it has no expectations etc. bite you - we all are perfectly capable of giving and begetting loyalty in all imaginable forms!.

And also remember, what goes around comes around guys, you don't want to be that piece of Styrofoam... thrown once used, you want to be the piece of China that is preserved in the china cabinet...precious, and forever!

So, ensure that you become that China piece/or the China doll, by making sure not to treat others like Styrofoam. Treat them with utmost care, and lo behold, what do you think you will get in return?

Yes, Loyalty - for life !!!

Life as I see it Today...

I have a Birthday approaching, and I think there is never a better time to share what I'm going through than now...

I went to this music concert last evening, and I came out feeling a million things - happy, soulful, enthusiastic, energetic and most of all Alive!

At this point in my life, I so strongly feel that life is too beautiful to let it slip by - too precious to be wasted, day after day....

Little tiffs, misunderstandings, egos - so totally not worth it, and what a waste of time. Let's move on guys, we have so much to do...

Sorrow? What have you seen till you have lost someone so close to you - there in that moment, and gone forever in the next hour. Ask a mom, a sister, a father, a brother, who has lost someone they loved the most - ask them what sorrow is, and they'll tell you how every song, every book, every piece of clot, a color, a food, a smell, a mood, everything single detail - that reminds them of the person gone.

I sometimes wonder if there exists something like romantasizing death...I don't know - maybe there is....

Happiness? What have seen till you have put a smile on someone's face, or made someone weep out of joy, looked into a child's eyes when you just gave her the most wanted thing, had someone tell you that you are precious to them...

Love? What have you seen till you have been in love with someone who doesn't expect anything in return from you, a child's tight hug, someone who takes care to do those little things for you, someone who loves you even when you aren't your best...

Innocence? what have you seen till you haven't seen the face of a sleeping child...

My next year will be great - because, I will fill it with energy, enthusiasm, appreciation and the greatest of all Love!

Like I said Life is too short to waste it not living it up !!! Go get it guys....live it up !!!

Chaya - The Shadow

Trrriiing...Trriiiing...the shrill ringing of the phone continued as I came bounding down the stairs. By then, my maid Gauri had beat me to the race and was barking into the receiver "Who is this?". She turned to me and said in a whisper "It is Mr.Yash". She handed the receiver to me with a coy smile on her face, and moved away from the room.

At last, he had called. In a split second, my mind was racing - should I take the call, or should I just hang up on him? I knew why he was calling - to tell me the supposed "good news". He was getting married.
Married to the one chosen by his family. A girl that belonged to a similar background as his, similar financial status and from the same village.So, his family had approved of his bride-to-be!

A part of me celebrated with him, because he was more than a bum-chum to me! I had grown up with him. But, there was the woman in me that wanted to slap him for what he was doing to me.

Well, I guess my good upbringing, my education and my values stopped me from doing anything. Instead, I took the call and held my breadth. Waited for him to break the good news! He said "Chaya, I'm getting married. I've finally found the girl, and I want you to be the best girl!" what an honor! I have always been your best girl Yash- your best friend and best everything for so long. Yash, I don't need a tile now!

I simply replied "Congratulations Yash! ofcourse, I'll be your best girl". Now, who cared how many million pieces my heart had broken into right at that moment? Yash was too excited to notice that I wasn't even speaking anymore. I was told that the arrangements were all made, and it would be one grand wedding!

Sure, I would be there to watch my buddy step into the family mode. I was happy that Yash was going to be a responsible husband.

Who was happy for Yash? Me, or my shadow - as my name suggested? I didn't know anymore.

The rains came early that season. It hadn't stopped pouring down since this morning - and it was past 2:00 PM in the afternoon. I saw on the porch and watched the rain. Gauri was busy making some coffee for me in the kitchen. I had always shared this cup of coffee with Yash for many many years. He had lived across the street and all I had to do was shout his name. And, it would typically be on a weekend, and he would appear out of nowhere and plop himself right beside me- to share my laughter and my coffee! Things were so simple and uncomplicated at that time.

"Chaya, guess what? My wife Sonia found a job! I can't believe it, she managed to do it in such a short time". Really Yash, I had done it too. Just that you had not noticed it.

I only said "Fantastic, you deserve to celebrate!" I was happy for Yash - I always was, when good things happened to him!

I was invited over to their anniversary dinner. Wow! what a spread- I said looking at the table laden with a variety of food. Immediately, I heard Yash pick up "Yes Chaya, Sonia has worked very hard to cook all this food!". Yash, I had always worked equally hard, whenever I cooked for you in all these years I have known you.

But, all I said was "Happy Anniversary Yash!". Yes, and I sincerely was happy that my buddy was so content with her cooking. That was the true me.

Who was happy for Yash? Me, or my shadow - as my name suggested? I didn't know anymore.

The rains had stopped. I was too busy to notice the change of season. Work was the only thing I knew these days.

It was 4:00 PM in the afternoon, and I had just heard the news! I had been promoted! I was now the Vice President of the unit I once worked for. It was a big achievement for me! I had to share this news with Yash.

With all the effort it took when one was too excited, I dialed his number. Yash answered the phone on the first ring. Without even waiting for him to say hello, I said "Yash, guess what? I got what I had been aspiring for - my dream come true!".

Yash sounded a little irritated - "Chaya, can I call you back? I'm with Sonia helping her pick a new outfit for her brother's wedding. She will be mad if she doesn't find me right outside the fitting room. I'm sure you understand being a girl!" and he laughed loudly into the phone. What a joke! I said "Sure Yash, I understand. Bye. I'll catch you later". Oh, so he had noticed I was a girl too. But, the similarities to the gender seemed to end there in his mind.

"Chaya, we are planning to do some gardening this summer. Sonia loves to grow everything on her own." Oh really Yash? I'm sure you forgot the herbs and the tomatoes we had grown together a decade ago. I said "That's a good way to use your time during summer". I was happy that Yash had re-discovered his green thumb.

Who was happy for Yash? Me, or my shadow - as my name suggested? I didn't know anymore.

"Chaya, Sonia got a promotion! Can you believe it. Her boss is impressed with the work she delivered. In such a short time Chaya - she is amazing!" True Yash, Sonia was truly amazing - she had delivered everything you spoon-fed her with, in such a short span of time. Did you happen to forget that I had achieved everything on my own? All that I said was "Please convey my congratulations to Sonia!" I was happy that Yash was thrilled with his wife's progress in her career.

Who was happy for Yash? Me, or my shadow - as my name suggested? I didn't know anymore.

"Yash, I need you to take me to the city this evening. I need to attend my boss' wedding reception, and I have to be there. And you know that I'm scared to drive by myself after dark.I'll get someone to drop me off after it is done". Yash was in a rush to meet Sonia at her parents' house. "Chaya, her brother is going off to study in another city. I have to be at their house. Sonia will be upset if I'm not there". Sure Yash, I understand.

Was expecting your childhood buddy to be there for you when you need him - too much to ask for? Maybe. But I was happy that Yash was always smiling these days!

Who was happy for Yash? Me, or my shadow - as my name suggested? I didn't know anymore.

I decided to take a vacation for a couple of weeks. Go far away, and be with myself.

I reached the sea town after driving for a couple of days. All by myself. Stopping at every little place I took a fancy for! I had thoroughly enjoyed the drive.

As soon as I reached the little inn, the owner came into sight and asked me if I needed help with my bags. I gratefully accepted. He introduced himself as Harsh. I met him again during breakfast and got to chat a little about the sites I could see during the day time. He was very helpful, and gave me all the information and even offered to drive me around. An offer I couldn't refuse coming from a local!

Harsh seemed to be a very intense person. He said less, and meant more than what he said. He seemed very genuine. Books were our common interest, and life had thrown many surprises at both of us. We seemed to share a lot in common.

It struck me that when I spent time with Harsh, I laughed easily, was very happy and just seemed to come alive! He was so much like Yash - always brought out the best in me!

It was after dinner that Sunday evening. We were sitting on the balcony and chatting up with a mug of coffee. I always felt very secure in Harsh's company. The night air was warm. There was soft music that wafted through the adjacent dining room. The moon shone bright, and the stars seemed to dance with some mystical glee. Harsh broke the conversation, and softly said "Will you marry me Chaya?" My heart stopped. I shivered for a second - the breeze had picked up and the trees swayed.

Was this true? or was I dreaming?

I only said" Can we talk about it in the morning please?" Harsh simply nodded, got out a light coat, draped my shoulders with it and walked me to my room.

I was shaken. I just lay there thinking - what if I said yes? Would I be betraying myself and all that I still felt for Yash? I heard myself laughed at that idea - Yash of all the people? He was happy and busy and had moved on? So, who was I imagining that I was making the sacrifice for? And what if I said no? I could have my life all to myself. No one would disturb me in my own little shell. I laughed at my own humor!

I called Yash the next morning "Yash, I have to share something! I have a surprise! Yash seemed to have just woken up "Chaya, give me a minute. Okay, now tell me - I had to give this cup of coffee to Sonia. She goes mad if I don't wake her up with this first thing. So, what were you telling me?...." I simply mumbled.."I think I found someone I want you to meet...Never mind Yash. I'll call some other time".

I had broken free! It didn't hurt anymore. The expectations had ended. At last! Yash was happy. So, I think all I needed to do was let him go....

Me and Harsh settled down in the sleepy little town. We had two little angels of our own! Harsh was more than I could ever hope for in a husband! Life sailed on. But, every cup of coffee I sipped while it rained brought memories of Yash back to me.

I always wondered who had lost in the end? Did he lose me as a friend or a special someone? Or had I lost him as a friend or a special someone? I could never find out.

After all these years, Yash had sent his latest pictures - He had his arms around his wife....smiling from ear to ear and he looked content! I was happy after all this for Yash.

Who was happy for Yash? Me, or my shadow - as my name suggested? I didn't know anymore. I didn't care anymore...

What I had missed seeing at the back of one of the pictures were the words "Chaya, I miss you...wish you were here, with me!". Smudged with a tear....